The Muskbox Likes Walks on the Beach, Crabs
When last we left the Muskbox, it was pining over Ryan Theriot, praising Rudy Jaramillo, discussing the Unfrozen Caveman Outfielder, and blocking out billboards with her icy gaze. I’m pretty sure this week’s installment, on the other hand, is a subtle personals ad. Read on!
With Ted Lilly having surgery and a question mark on the Cubs’ No. 5 starter, is GM Jim Hendry looking at adding starting pitching or are we hoping someone surprises us in the farm system?
– Matt J., Chicago
The question mark narrowly won the fifth starter job over a photon of light, arachnophobia, the concept of time, and dark matter.
CARRIE: Actually, Lilly’s injury prompted the Cubs to select Michael Parisi in the Rule 5 Draft on Thursday at the Winter Meetings. The right-hander gives them a little more insurance heading into the 2010 season just in case Lilly isn’t ready. The lefty, who had arthroscopic surgery on his left shoulder in early November, could be ready by the middle of April or early May, depending on how his rehab goes.
Ted Lilly doesn’t rehab shoulders. Shoulders rehab Ted Lilly. No, that doesn’t work at all.
CARRIE: The Cubs head into Spring Training with eight pitchers for five spots. The list includes Lilly, Parisi, Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells, Sean Marshall, Jeff Samardzija and Tom Gorzelanny.
*Sweats*
*Chugs Pepto-Bismol*
Why didn’t the Cubs offer arbitration to Rich Harden? In spite of his injury history, he has pitched well with a great strikeout rate. His Type A status would’ve netted the Cubs two Draft picks. If they were concerned he would accept arbitration, they should consider that he’s fairly young and probably looking to sign a multi-year deal. I just don’t see the logic.
– Sean W., Peoria, Ill.
It’s because Jim Hendry prides himself on not letting any of his players get to arbitration. He slept in on the day he was supposed to offer Harden arbitration, missed the deadline, and couldn’t bear to break his streak.
CARRIE: The Cubs knew more about Harden’s arm and health than any other team and opted to let him go. Think about that.
I love it when you give me homework. It adds to the schoolmarm mystique.
CARRIE: And, Harden was classified as a Type B free agent, not Type A (that was Kevin Gregg).
That’s right. We live in a world where Kevin Gregg is considered a more valuable pitcher than Rich Harden. You win, universe.
What do you think the chances are that Kelly Johnson ends up in a Cubs uniform next season? He could be an upgrade at second over Mike Fontenot or Jeff Baker. Johnson had a down year but he has the ability to go 20-20 and would slot nicely in the bottom of the order, and if he finds the swing with the speed, could slot into the No. 2 hole. I know the Cubs aren’t focusing on it this year, but he’s also a lefty.
– Nathan P., Omaha, Neb.
Yeah, Hendry is totally over his “get more left-handed” phase. He’s also over the Wii, the iPhone, learning to play the guitar, and the Twilight series.
CARRIE: Here’s why not: Johnson had the lowest batting average of a left-handed batter against right-handed pitching last season (minimum 200 plate appearances) at .188. He hit .224 overall. The second baseman, who turns 28 in February, also is coming off a right wrist injury.
I love when Carrie drops some nugget of information between a couple of commas. “Milton Bradley, who once played Maria in his all-male high school rendition of West Side Story…” “Ryan Theriot, whose greasy coiffure is actually a wig made of llama hair…” “Ted Lilly, whose trial for triple homicide starts in May…” “Mike Fontenot, who was once chased from an old Italian village by a pitchfork- and torch-wielding mob wielding crying, ‘NOSFERATU!’…”
CARRIE: I’m not sure about his potential to go 20-20 (assuming you mean 20 homers, 20 stolen bases).
Nope. Twenty hits and twenty errors.
CARRIE: He’s never done either 20. Looking at his past, he did hit .282 combined in 2007-08. He also struck out more than 100 times each season.
So what? Do strikeouts count for two outs now?
CARRIE: There is another player who was non-tendered whom the Cubs apparently have interest in, and that’s Pittsburgh closer Matt Capps. His agent, Paul Kinzer, told the Chicago Tribune that Capps is interested in the Cubs. Chicago has Carlos Marmol as its closer, but Capps could be the experienced right-handed setup pitcher the Cubs are looking for. He made $2.4 million last season, and the Pirates did not tender him because they felt Capps would receive a significant pay increase in arbitration.
Jim Hendry just punched $2.4 million into his calculator, called Capps, and offered him a 12-year, $81M contract with a full no-trade clause.
I know the Cubs are looking to the trade market, but they may have a center-field option in the free-agent market. Rick Ankiel is a left-handed-hitting center fielder. Lou Piniella likes left-handers, Ankiel plays center, so Kosuke Fukudome can move to right, and we don’t have to trade away the much-discussed prospects. Wouldn’t this be a fairly safe option and have the Cubs considered it?
– Neven C., Fort Dodge, Iowa
Good reasoning. I’ll help you with another thought problem. Derek Jeter likes women.
Liza Minnelli is a woman.
Derek Jeter should dump Minka Kelly…
…and go out with Liza Minnelli.
Now, I understand that Fukudome is no Minka Kelly, but Ankiel is no Fukudome, and now I’m completely lost in this analogy. Seriously, though, Minka. If this happens, call me.
CARRIE: At the Winter Meetings, Piniella indicated he wasn’t as insistent on finding a left-handed bat but that the Cubs preferred the best player they could get. Ankiel is one of several free-agent center fielders the Cubs are looking at.
Please tell me you’re kidding like you were that one time. Yeah, that one.
CARRIE: Here are their 2009 numbers:
Rick Ankiel: .231, 122 games, 21 doubles, 2 triples, 11 homers, 38 RBIs, .285 OBP
Marlon Byrd: .283, 146 games, 43 doubles, 2 triples, 20 homers, 89 RBIs, .329 OBP
Mike Cameron: .250, 149 games, 32 doubles, 3 triples, 24 homers, 70 RBIs, .342 OBP
Scott Podsednik: .304, 132 games, 25 doubles, 6 triples, 7 homers, 48 RBIs, .353 OBP
Cameron and Piniella were together in Seattle, and Hendry once tried to trade for Byrd.
And Ankiel had a secretary named Podsednik, and Podsednik spends a lot of time grabbing his ankles. WEIRD.
The Cubs still have a problem with no leadoff hitter. Why not put Theriot there and leave him there? He sees a lot of pitches and has a decent batting average.
– Steve B., Phoenix
Look, I hate Theriot just as much as the next guy, but no, he doesn’t see a lot of pitches. In fact, that’s one of the most infuriating things about the supposedly “heady” little spunkduster. He saw 3.68 pitches per plate appearance last year. Geovany Soto had a terrible year, and saw 3.88. So did Jeff Baker while he was with the Cubs (and saw 3.83 in Colorado). Mike Fontenot had a bad year, yet saw 4.03 pitches per appearance. Even the free-swinging Alfonso Soriano saw 3.85. Derrek Lee? 3.95. Walk-hating Aramis Ramirez saw 3.76. White-ball-hating Milton Bradley saw 4.05. And Kosuke Fukudome led the starters with 4.17 pitches seen per plate appearance. That’s right. Every single starter on the team (including Soriano and SOTO) would have been a better option as a leadoff hitter, if you were measuring by pitches seen. Do you see why I fucking hate Ryan Theriot?
CARRIE: Theriot is the leading candidate for the job.
Of course he is.
CARRIE: In his career, he’s batted leadoff in 94 games, has a .300 average, .356 on-base percentage, swiped 12 bases, and scored 59 runs.
Swiped 12 bases, AND GOT THROWN OUT SEVEN TIMES. Call me crazy, but if a guy is only going to have a 63% success rate when he steals, I’d rather have him, you know, NOT STEAL. This is why Theriot is a dumb, dumb baseball player. Getting on base is fine. STAY THERE IF YOU SUCK AT STEALING BASES, THOUGH.
From the information we know, do you think moving Spring Training to Florida would be good? There is a lot established in Arizona with close facilities, three current teams from the Central, the Arizona Fall League and a fan base.
– Steve P., Tempe, Ariz.
This argument from Arizona residents bugs the hell out of me. Why do Arizona residents think they’re any more entitled to have Cubs Spring Training games in their backyard than anyone else? If you want to make an argument against the Cubs moving, say you’re worried that the extra travel they’ll have to do in Florida will unnecessarily tire the team out. Say that the Florida humidity will sap their energy. Say that you’re worried they’ll be eaten by alligators. But Cubs fans will travel wherever the Cubs go. You, Steve P., will fly to Florida to watch them, and you know it. If Wrigley Field moves out to Naperville (please, please, please), 50,000 people (I did drawings of the new stadium if you want to see them, Crane) will bitch as they jump on the Burlington Northern line, commute out to Naperville, pay $50 for a ticket, drink beers at $8 a pop, and watch Cub baseball. It’s a disease.
CARRIE: As much as I like stone crabs and walking on the beach, the travel in Arizona is easier.
Other likes: the smell of old books, cutting coupons, Cat Fancy magazine, the “W” volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.
CARRIE: I think the Cubs are doing what any smart team would do, and that is weighing all the options.
They should try doing what other smart teams do. Win stuff.
I remember watching Thomas Diamond a few years back when he was in the Rangers’ system, and he had some incredible stuff. I was happy to find out he’s with the Cubs and noticed he’s putting up pretty great numbers. Is there any chance he’ll be invited to Spring Training? Or could he make the team, even out of the pen? He’s 2-0 in three starts with a 0.64 ERA in 14 innings and only gave up one earned run on eight hits with three walks and 15 strikeouts. If he’s healthy, he could be amazing.
– Tom F., Anacortes, Wash.
So could Mark Prior.
CARRIE: Those stats you gave were from Diamond’s three starts in the Mexican Winter League. A first-round pick by Texas in the 2004 First-Year Player Draft, Diamond will get an invite to the Cubs’ camp. The Cubs were a little worried a team might have seen Diamond in Mexico and taken him in the Rule 5 Draft.
Even Jake Taylor was good in the Mexican Winter League.
Why was Chris Robinson overlooked as a catcher to be added to the 40-man roster? He was a Triple-A All-Star, named the Iowa Cubs’ MVP and batted .326. He deserves a shot.
– Tim G., Bolingbrook, Ill.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Chris Robinson, the only person really concerned about whether Chris Robinson is getting a fair shot
CARRIE: He does, and the Cubs thought a team might take Robinson or their other Minor League catching prospect, Robinson Chirinos.
We gotta get these two together, so we have a Robinson Robinson.
CARRIE: Remember, any player taken in the Rule 5 has to stay with the big league team for the entire season or else be returned. As much as teams need catchers, scouts must have felt Robinson wasn’t quite ready for the Major Leagues.
Oh, we remember. I have a sign next to my front door that I see ever time I leave the house:
DAVID PATTON 2009: NEVER FORGET
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
Not only isn’t Kate Hudson Mrs. Chris Robinson anymore, she’s not even Mr. Alex Rodriguez anymore.
Wait, what?
@Andy – Aren’t these relationships hard? I have no idea how TMZ does it. Nor do I care.
Can Minka Kelly do a Rule 5 with David Patton? I’d watch.
@Bad Kermit – I wonder if we could get Kate Hudson to date the entire Cubs team this year. I know it sounds daunting, but they could probably have Cindy Sandberg brought on as a consultant in this area.
wait, wait, i got it. we need a center fielder. the yankees have too many outfielders. the sox just signed juan pierre. we want a guy who can get on base, and like our previous center fielders can grow comical facial hair.
thus, we have to sign nick swisher. i suggest trading the yankees our entire farm system. or, milton. because milton as a yankee? freaking hilarious.
she picks crabs out of her sandy beach? Huh?
She’s a Cubs fan – she probably likes the “L” volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica better. Or at least it’s more familiar.
What farm system?!?
and seriously “The cubs are doing what any smart team would do”. WTF I want to be the the muskat’s secret santa and give her a big bag of realit.
oops…. reality
@paintersix – I liked “realit.” I figured it was some derivation of a bumpit.
@Bad Kermit – The bumpit might not be a bad x-mas gift for Carrie, it might give her some options besides the bun.
could the reason Robinson is not getting a look be that he can’t throw anyone out? Even Theriot could steal a base off him.
If anyone out there is my secret santa I want a bottle of scotch laced with poison so I can drink myself to death and be spared watching the train wreck that will be the 2010 cubs season.
“You win, universe.”
Quit ripping off my lines.
It is one thing to criticize a player for the way he plays, or things he says or does off the field, but it is really nasty to pick on players with albinism. It is a tribute to those guys that they managed to play in the Big Leagues with the poor vision that this condition causes, One of these players is also very tiny, and takes enough heat for that. Shame on the person who actually made those comments!!!
If you’re being sarcastic, that’s awesome.
No, I am not being sarcastic. That was a nasty cheap shot you took against a player who has had to battle tremendous odds to make it to the Major Leagues, as well as the one to the other player known to have albinism. Trying to attribute it to Carrie Muskat was even worse.
@Gina Strobl – What the hell are you talking about?
Maybe young children don’t know any better, and make life miserable for others with albinism, but you are an adult with your own internet blog, and need to be held to a higher standard. I certainly hope you don’t really believe that a person whose body doesn’t produce pigment is a vampire. Besides, he plays better in day games than at night.
The stuff you said about Lilly, Theriot, and Bradley was just far-fetched and entertaining, but what you said about Fontenot was cruel and mean spirited, and you owe him an apology.
@Gina Strobl – I’m going to assume that you’re a brilliant spoof. Interestingly enough, did you know that David Patton actually IS an albino?
Both Patton and Fontenot have albinism. Never call someone an albino.
You were aware of Fontenot’s albinism because you made a remark about it on someone else’s blog 2 years ago. Patton is open about his condition; Fontenot colors his hair. Of course you have noticed that he wears dark glasses most of the time, sometimes at the plate. At the end of Spring Training, when all the other white guys are golden brown, Mike is still white. He grows his facial hair long enough to color it, then cuts it, hence the scruff. Without the facial hair he looks no older than 12. Patton is 6′ 2″, and can be open about being different; Fontenot gets enough grief just for being a shade under 5′ 5″. I am not a brilliant anything, but I don’t like to see an educated adult act like an ignorant child.
@Gina Strobl – You’ve been following me around for two years waiting for me to slip up on albinism? Holy shit, that’s commitment.
Don’t flatter yourself.
@Gina Strobl – Are you an albino? Or albina? Or vampire? Because I cannot fathom why else you’d be going nuts over this.
Gina,
So it is okay to call someone a “dumb, dumb baseball player”, another the “Unfrozen Caveman Outfielder”, say another “spends a lot of time grabbing his ankles” and state “whose greasy coiffure is actually a wig made of llama hair” about another. BUT it isnt okay to imply a group of people (in this case, the residents of an old Italian village) could judge a person solely because of their skin tone and stereotypes? Seems to me youre trolling here.
This statement
“Mike Fontenot, who was once chased from an old Italian village by a pitchfork- and torch-wielding mob wielding crying, ‘NOSFERATU!’…”
would not be much different then saying “Bradely, who was once chased from an Alabama town by a group of people screaming “run you watermelon eating coon”. See, it is the people reacting that are the issue there, not Bradley (well, Bradley probably would have instigated the situation to that point, but for arguments sake…)
That statement is also infinitely less offensive then your own statement of
“Besides, he plays better in day games than at night.”.
Kermit didnt say he was a vampire, he just implied people might stupidly consider him as such based off stereotypes. You apparently thought on the side of the stupid people, and actually took the stereotype 20 steps forward by looking into his play during day and night games. And somehow you did this with a straight face, showing you might not have a strong grasp on what you are arguing here.
So I would ask you this. Do you think all pale skin people are vampires until you look into how they perform in the daytime verses at night, or find out they have Amelanism? Or how about this, which is worse – a person saying “I can see how some illogical people could claim vampire based off stereotypes” or a person saying “he cant be a vampire because I looked at his play in the day time and he is better”?
See, I say you are either are a troll (my thinking) or you are really just transferring your own issues here.
@Sman – Well said. I was just going to continue being mean about it, but I like your strategy better.
Gina,
You oughta click that little Shoutbox button
I do not have albinism. I have blue eyes, and used to have light blonde hair, which is now white. I am 66. I used to have a glorious golden tan in swimsuit weather, and on my face all year. I was first a member of the Italian, and later, the American ski teams in the 60′s. I won a medal. My connection to albinism is that I taught visually impaired children before I retired, and hated the way other children treated albinos. This was in the U.S. In the small Italian village where I was born, that would not have happened. It could have happened in Romania, Bulgaria, Albania, Turkey, Serbia, Georgia, and Armenia, where the people are very superstitious. That said, a person should not be harassed because of his skin color, or lack of same. In a sports blog, a guy can be criticized for striking out with the bases loaded, or even wearing a bizarre hair style, but not because of something he was born with. If he is, this indicates that the writer has issues, not with the way a guy plays, but with he and others who share his physical characteristics. So, the guy who called Mike a “pigment challenged midget” in 2008, and later wrote the above blog, has issues with people with albinism, and with short stature. I have issues with ignorant bigots.
@Gina Strobl – Listen, ma’am. I didn’t know that either Fontenot OR Patton actually had albinism until you showed up. I’ve called Jim Hendry fat, Matt Murton a ginger, Ryan Theriot retarded, and Milton Bradley a sociopath. No fat, red-headed, retarded sociopaths have ever called me a bigot, because it’s a ridiculous statement. I have no idea how you’ve read my stuff for so long without being offended if making a vampire joke about Fontenot sets you off, but I really think you should take it down a notch.
It’s admirable the work you’ve done for kids with visual disabilities, and congratulations on the medal (though what that has to do with anything is beyond me). But this is a sports blog AND a humor blog (in theory). I have no issues with albino midgets, but if you think you’re going to shame me to stop making jokes by throwing around wild accusations of bigotry, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
“I’ve called Jim Hendry fat, Matt Murton a ginger, Ryan Theriot retarded, and Milton Bradley a sociopath…”
…Antonio Alfonseca a mutant, Aaron Miles a Hobbit, Jose Macias a Gremlin, Randy Johnson a gimp septuagenarian, David Eckstein an Elf, Juan Pierre impotent, Sergio Mitre an enormous pussy, and countless others if you would like me to continue :)
Anyway, like I mentioned before, this person likely isnt for real. Someone seriously concerned over this wouldnt say “Besides, he plays better in day games than at night.”. And the stats actually do kind of support this, so they really looked it up! But someone concerned over the topic most certainly wouldnt ever look it up; they would never even think it.
Just ignore them.
…Well, either that or make a point of putting a Vampire reference in each topic for the next month or so :D