Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Stupider Like a Fox!” Edition
Oh, dear. In one offseason, we lose Mark DeRosa, and now folk hero Jake Fox is no longer a Cub! (HT: Luis) For whom will ridiculous Cubs fans blindly root? What will they do? I guess they could just celebrate the fact that Aaron Miles is no longer a Cub, either. One midget middle infielder down. Two left to go. Anyhow, it’s been two weeks since we had a Roundup, so there are a lot of items we need to hit. Thanks, as always, for the great tips. Away we go.
- Rudy Jaramillo is apparently preparing for the upcoming season the same way I am. Watching videos. Although mine might be a bit more risque.
- Baseball’s best and worst announcers. (HT: John) I’ll give you nothing if you guess who #1 on the “worst” list is. Come on. It’s not that much of a STRETCH.
- If at first you don’t succeed, FUCKING QUIT.
- The drunken apology text you sent to your girlfriend last weekend for throwing up into her cat’s water bowl probably can’t hold a candle to a drunken apology letter written by none other than Edgar Allen Poe.
- Congratulations, men. Science has proved that every single one of us has looked at porn. IT’S SCIENCE, PEOPLE.
- You’re doing it so very wrong.
- Seriously, David Kaplan? Seriously?
- Wait, did Fehr get another term as head of the MLBPA?
- Like most Onion stories, you probably don’t need to read the whole article, but this headline was definitely chuckle-worthy.
- BECAUSE MOST OF THEM DON’T HAVE TO DATE WOMEN!
- If you haven’t seen this reenactment of the Car Accident Heard ‘Round the World, where have you been? (HT: Paul)
- This is, without a doubt, one of the most fantastically cruel pranks I’ve seen pulled since I convinced Rothschild he had boner cancer.
- xkcd goes to eleven.
- On what hitting leader list can you find Carlos Zambrano lumped in with Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Frank Thomas? Why, this one!
- I finally understand Geovany Soto’s lifestyle. (HT: EnricoPallazzo) I assume he wrote this one.
- I’m pretty sure Mike Royko is kicking Frank Sinatra’s ass in heaven.
- The most adorable seventeen seconds you’ll spend today unless you have a tea party with Zooey Deschanel planned for later today.
- I’m not a big NBA guy, but this interview with Ron Artest had some really choice moments. (HT: Nick)
- Do you really need ANOTHER reason to avoid St. Louis? (HT, coincidentally: Luis)
- And speaking of St. Louis. (HT: morpheus)
Close Encounters of the Redneck Kind from Marc Bullard on Vimeo.
- Who hath released this amazing Joseph Ducreux internet meme, and why hast thou not prior informed me? (HT: Andrew)
- See how long you can stomach reliving some of the best NLCS games of the 2000′s.
- Ten minutes later, I adopted this kid.
- You think you’ve had some awkward Facebook moments? Imagine if you were the cast of the Star Wars trilogy. (HT: Ryan) I particularly like the Stormtrooper/Scout Trooper exchange.
- Why would Marty McFly need a machine gun? What, does he turn into an asshole, or something?
- Oh, no! Is this the end of The Office?
- The customer reviews for the laptop steering wheel desk are priceless.
- Black and WTF is a collection of black and white photos that is occasionally NSFW, but since they’re in black and white, they’re “art,” right? (HT: Daniel) See if you can find Sam Sianis!
- If you’re not watching the Blackhawks, you should be. Because hockey is fun. (HT: Andrew) If that doesn’t slake your bloodlust, you can always page through Hockee Night’s Friday Night Fights.
- That’s it. I’m starting a campaign to add rings to Earth. It’ll drive the Brazilian women WILD.
- Probably Sneezy, or something.
- To be honest, this list of 10 Annoying Phrases That Serve No Purpose is what it is.
- Since it’s been a two-week layoff, you get a favorite site two-fer. First, there’s Stop Making That Duckface! Seriously, womankind. You look like assholes. The second is the absolutely absurd People Talking on Bananas. It’s strangely hypnotic.
Have an unproductive Friday, a restful weekend, and an erect pair of nipples. I hear the wind chill in Chicago is in the teens today. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
-Sweet Uncle Lou
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
Does Kaplan work for People Magazine now? That’s not even Nick Swisher’s girlfriend. But who knew that Chad Gaudin’s wife had largest rack ever? Why does Kaplan even pretend to be a sports writer anymore, maybe if you sent him enough issues of Juggs to occupy his time he would just go away and never be herd from again.
@santo10 – What amazes me is that he had the time to completely exhaust the picture capacity of the first post, take a breath, and write an entirely new post without thinking it was totally ridiculous.
It’s like Andy Dufresne’s prosecutor in The Shawshank Redemption:
A revolver holds six bullets, not eight. I submit to you this was not a hot-blooded crime of passion! That could at least be understood, if not condoned. No, this was revenge of a much more brutal and cold-blooded nature. Consider! Four bullets per victim! Not six shots fired, but eight! That means he fired the gun empty…and then stopped to reload so he could shoot each of them again! An extra bullet per lover…right in the head.
Only instead of premeditated murder, this is premeditated stupidity.
And he gets paid to do it
Kermit, your comment exchange with Kaplan on his hottest wives and girlfriends article is priceless.