Oh, dear. In one offseason, we lose Mark DeRosa, and now folk hero Jake Fox is no longer a Cub! (HT: Luis) For whom will ridiculous Cubs fans blindly root? What will they do? I guess they could just celebrate the fact that Aaron Miles is no longer a Cub, either. One midget middle infielder down. Two left to go. Anyhow, it’s been two weeks since we had a Roundup, so there are a lot of items we need to hit. Thanks, as always, for the great tips. Away we go.
- Rudy Jaramillo is apparently preparing for the upcoming season the same way I am. Watching videos. Although mine might be a bit more risque.
- Baseball’s best and worst announcers. (HT: John) I’ll give you nothing if you guess who #1 on the “worst” list is. Come on. It’s not that much of a STRETCH.
- If at first you don’t succeed, FUCKING QUIT.
- The drunken apology text you sent to your girlfriend last weekend for throwing up into her cat’s water bowl probably can’t hold a candle to a drunken apology letter written by none other than Edgar Allen Poe.
- Congratulations, men. Science has proved that every single one of us has looked at porn. IT’S SCIENCE, PEOPLE.
- You’re doing it so very wrong.
- Seriously, David Kaplan? Seriously?
- Wait, did Fehr get another term as head of the MLBPA?
- Like most Onion stories, you probably don’t need to read the whole article, but this headline was definitely chuckle-worthy.
- BECAUSE MOST OF THEM DON’T HAVE TO DATE WOMEN!
- If you haven’t seen this reenactment of the Car Accident Heard ‘Round the World, where have you been? (HT: Paul)
- This is, without a doubt, one of the most fantastically cruel pranks I’ve seen pulled since I convinced Rothschild he had boner cancer.
- xkcd goes to eleven.
- On what hitting leader list can you find Carlos Zambrano lumped in with Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Frank Thomas? Why, this one!
- I finally understand Geovany Soto’s lifestyle. (HT: EnricoPallazzo) I assume he wrote this one.
- I’m pretty sure Mike Royko is kicking Frank Sinatra’s ass in heaven.
- The most adorable seventeen seconds you’ll spend today unless you have a tea party with Zooey Deschanel planned for later today.
- I’m not a big NBA guy, but this interview with Ron Artest had some really choice moments. (HT: Nick)
- Do you really need ANOTHER reason to avoid St. Louis? (HT, coincidentally: Luis)
- And speaking of St. Louis. (HT: morpheus)
Close Encounters of the Redneck Kind from Marc Bullard on Vimeo.
- Who hath released this amazing Joseph Ducreux internet meme, and why hast thou not prior informed me? (HT: Andrew)
- See how long you can stomach reliving some of the best NLCS games of the 2000′s.
- Ten minutes later, I adopted this kid.
- You think you’ve had some awkward Facebook moments? Imagine if you were the cast of the Star Wars trilogy. (HT: Ryan) I particularly like the Stormtrooper/Scout Trooper exchange.
- Why would Marty McFly need a machine gun? What, does he turn into an asshole, or something?
- Oh, no! Is this the end of The Office?
- The customer reviews for the laptop steering wheel desk are priceless.
- Black and WTF is a collection of black and white photos that is occasionally NSFW, but since they’re in black and white, they’re “art,” right? (HT: Daniel) See if you can find Sam Sianis!
- If you’re not watching the Blackhawks, you should be. Because hockey is fun. (HT: Andrew) If that doesn’t slake your bloodlust, you can always page through Hockee Night’s Friday Night Fights.
- That’s it. I’m starting a campaign to add rings to Earth. It’ll drive the Brazilian women WILD.
- Probably Sneezy, or something.
- To be honest, this list of 10 Annoying Phrases That Serve No Purpose is what it is.
- Since it’s been a two-week layoff, you get a favorite site two-fer. First, there’s Stop Making That Duckface! Seriously, womankind. You look like assholes. The second is the absolutely absurd People Talking on Bananas. It’s strangely hypnotic.
Have an unproductive Friday, a restful weekend, and an erect pair of nipples. I hear the wind chill in Chicago is in the teens today. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
-Sweet Uncle Lou
