Weis, Caray Fired; Carrie Survives Another Day
Yesterday was a glorious day if you’re a Cubs fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a fan of Chip Caray getting leprosy. I am all three of those. Charlie Weis’ removal as the head football coach at Notre Dame was expected, but Chip Caray’s dismissal from TBS was a pleasant surprise (thanks to all who alerted me to Chip’s fisting). That is two open jobs for a certain Armenian manager who may or may not know more about football than Charlie Weis, but certainly knows more about personal hygiene. And Jim Essian has scratched various body parts that know more about baseball than Chip Caray. I’m just saying, TBS. THINK ABOUT IT. Anyhow, it’s back-to-back Muskbox time, wherein we discuss some guy getting a tattoo of Kevin Gregg on his junk. The guy’s junk. Not Kevin Gregg’s. Or something. I didn’t read it that carefully.
Have you heard if Ryan Theriot has been working on his footwork at second base? I believe Jeff Baker has more value off the bench with Aramis Ramirez having his shoulder issues and such.
– Aaron L., Chicago
If there’s one thing Dance Fever doesn’t need to work on, it’s his footwork. If there’s one thing he DOES need to work on, it’s keeping Merv Griffin’s hands off his penis.
CARRIE: Theriot has been told to dust off his second baseman’s glove because he could be switching to second base if the Cubs decide top prospect Starlin Castro is ready for the big leagues.
Great. Now every Trixie in America has an image of Ryan Theriot in a French maid outfit with a feather duster seared into her brain. No? Just me? Anyone know any good therapists?
CARRIE: Theriot has played second before in the Major Leagues, last doing so in 2007 (37 games). I agree about Baker being a valuable player to have on the bench.
You know who would also be a valuable player to have on the bench? Ryan Theriot. I don’t doubt that Theriot can play a better defensive second base than Baker, but is there any reason any rational person would rather have Theriot’s bat in the lineup than Baker’s? Castro and Baker for Cubs middle infield 2010!
Will Mike Fontenot return with the Cubs next year? I know he had a bad season at the plate, but he was great defensively.
If Fontenot can’t hit, what exactly does he bring to the table that Andres Blanco doesn’t? I mean, other than a booster seat?
Do you think they’ll let him redeem himself next year and during Spring Training? Rudy Jaramillo will help him, and I’d like to see Mike back with the club.
– Allie J., Demotte, Ind.
Does anyone else get the feeling that Rudy Jaramillo is going to be the greatest disappointment since Milton Bradley, who was the greatest disappointment since Kosuke Fukudome, who was the greatest disappointment since Alfonso Soriano? Jaramillo’s 2009 Rangers had a .320 OBP last year, better than only two American League teams, the Royals and the Mariners. Even with their pitchers batting, the Cubs managed a .332 OBP.
Yes, Rudy’s team were third in the AL with their .445 SLG, behind only the Yankees and Red Sox. But considering they play in a very hitter-friendly park, shouldn’t Rudy have been stressing on-base percentage in front of all those extra-base hits? Michael Young was the only Texas starter last year to post a better than .350 OBP (his was .374). The Cubs had four. Five, if you pretend Jeff Baker was the starting second baseman.
I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’. I think Rudy is going to suck, is all.
CARRIE: As of now, Fontenot is under the Cubs’ control and will be back. He is arbitration-eligible for the first time. Fontenot is solid defensively…
Solid like a statue. Hey-o!
CARRIE: …and hopefully he can play more like the guy who batted .317 in September, not the June version who batted .211.
Screw the batting average. Where the hell did Fontenot’s power go? After slugging .514 in 2008, Fontenot slugged a positively Theriotesque .377 this year. Don’t give me that, “He was tired” nonsense. He only had roughly 130 more plate appearances than he did in 2008, and he sucked pretty consistently from March through October. Moreover, he hit just fine against lefties in 2008, so the fact that he faced more lefties last year shouldn’t have been that big a factor. Is it possible that there is witchcraftery afoot with our Cajun players, and that they’re given one “good” year before the Devil gets their soul-oul-oul-oul (extended fiddle solo)?
A name that has come up lately and should be a hot topic is Marlon Byrd.
No, it shouldn’t.
He exploded in Texas under Jaramillo…
In Texas, and ONLY in Texas. His numbers on the road last year were a “meh” .285/.322/.419, while at home he was .300/.344/.491. His home and away splits were even more drastic in 2007 and 2008. You want an outfielder who can put up a .750ish OPS and play good defense? Re-sign Reed Johnson.
…his average is solid, he has a decent amount of power and can drive in runners. He only committed three errors in the outfield the whole year and has played all three outfield slots. He is a versatile player, which is the type of player the Cubs are looking for. He is cheap compared to other big names on the market, and this year’s free-agent class is nothing to be drooling about. Byrd can help solidify the middle-bottom of the order for the Cubs and is very consistent. He is a piece we should really look at, and having Jaramillo with him again is a huge plus. Why aren’t the Cubs pushing for him?
– Steve V., Wilmette, Ill.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Consistent? Byrd is about as consistent as Jim Hendry’s stool.
CARRIE: Maybe because the Rangers are. If you ask Byrd, he will tell you his first choice “is and has always been the Rangers,” and Texas general manager Jon Daniels has made it clear they want Byrd back.
Even Byrd realizes his best chance at getting paid is to play in that ridiculous hitters’ park in Arlington.
CARRIE: If there’s a catch, it’s that Byrd wants a multi-year deal and apparently won’t settle for a one-year contract.
Fortunately for Marlon, Jim Hendry has never heard of a contract that isn’t at least three years, $30M, with a full no-trade clause.
CARRIE: The Cubs do have some young outfielders in the system — Tyler Colvin, Brett Jackson, Kyler Burke — and have been handcuffed because of some of their long-term deals.
If there’s one thing the Cub organization is good at doing, it’s developing Major-League-ready outfielders. If there are two things the Cub organization is good at doing, first is developing Major-League-ready outfielders, and second is making me hate sports.
The Cubs released Kevin Gregg which, in my perspective, was good.
I feel like when you’re writing down your own opinion you don’t need to, from my perspective, clarify that you are the one who actually feels that way about the writing, in my own humble opinion.
*This message has been approved by Bad Kermit.
Are there any good closers out there that the Cubs are looking into, like Rafael Soriano?
– Dan G., Harwood Heights, Ill.
Yes. And I can assure you that Rafael Soriano is VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE WHOLE PROCESS.
CARRIE: Actually, Dan, the Cubs didn’t release Gregg; he’s a free agent.
MEE-YEOW!!! It must be hard to type with those CLAWS out!
CARRIE: And they have a closer in Carlos Marmol. He went 11-for-11 in save opportunities after he got the job. He was tied for second in the National League in holds (27) and ranked second in batting average allowed (.170), but he also walked 65 over 74 innings.
So, they’re NOT looking into the bowels of Rafael Soriano?
Do you see the Cubs possibly going after Johnny Damon? Damon could play right field and Kosuke Fukudome could play center. This also gives the Cubs a lefty leadoff hitter with power and speed.
– Jordan B., San Jose, Calif.
An outfield defense of Soriano, Fukudome, and Damon? Be still, my fibrillating heart. Seriously, I can’t feel my entire right side just from thinking about that outfield. Can I get a glass of water and 4,000 volts of electricity passed directly through my heart?
CARRIE: Damon turned 36 this month. He’s coming off a four-year, $52 million contract that paid him $13 million this season. Right field is the toughest field to play at Wrigley.
Maybe you’ve never been in the bleachers. Some of those ladies are UPTIGHT. At least the ones who aren’t flashing their breasts.
CARRIE: The Cubs want to add a center fielder and move Fukudome back to right, where he seems more comfortable. The answer regarding Damon is no.
Holy hell, an actual answer! CRANK IT UP TO 8,000 VOLTS, BOYS! MY GRANDMA AND MY FIRST DOG ARE CALLING TO ME!
I heard a rumor that the Cubs are building a billboard in left-center field because some of the rooftop people don’t want to pay a tax to the Cubs. I guess this would block their view to the field. Any truth to this?
– Paul D., Fort Wayne, Ind.
Sometimes “rumors” are “investigated” by “reporters” and when the “facts” are “confirmed,” the reporters “write” “stories” about said facts. Lo, and behold, through the magic of the internet, these stories can often be found with even basic rudimentary knowledge of the working of the internet. In fact, if you were to open up an internet browser window, spread birdseed on your keyboard, and release a hundred sparrows into your office, I suspect that given enough time, even the sparrows could conceivably find the answer to your question.
CARRIE: The Cubs have constructed a billboard that blocks the view of a building on Waveland and Kenmore Avenues so they can control what ad is seen in left field. The team wasn’t too happy with an ad on top of the building for a casino. There are no bleachers or seating on top of the building. This was not done to add a video scoreboard, as some have suggested.
Good. Fuck the rooftop owners and their we-don’t-have-enough-cookies-for-everyone asses.
With the new ownership, do the Ricketts plan on changing the Cubs’ uniform? I’d hate to get a tattoo of the crawling Cub and then, bam!
– Robert R., Charlotte, N.C.
The “bam” was the sound of me hitting him in the face with Mjöllnir.
CARRIE: Maybe you should wait until the Cubs win a World Series to get that tattoo.
And hold your breath while you’re waiting!
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
Don’t make Kaplan get on here and insist that Jaramillo is THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS! Everybody says so! Jaramillo can’t go anywhere without some person who works in baseball getting on his knees in front of him and clumsily fumbling at his belt. They can’t help it. He is THAT good.
“Jaramillo will fix the offense” is the new “Rex is our quarterback.”
Rudy Jaramillo won’t be good and he won’t be bad. He’ll be a major league hitting coach and they usually have as much impact on the game as the blue haired usher in section 104.
Just because he looks like Edward James Olmos doesn’t mean he’s going to be the Jaime Escalante of hitting.
God of Thunder – Mighty Bad Kermit
Is a 2B glove really different from a SS glove?
I believe the devil only fiddles for residents of Georgia, although the alternative is that he fiddles while in Georgia itself.
A cajun soul sale would probably be transacted via zydeco, or whatever the hell goes with voodoo.
@StPatrick – I told you once, you son of a bitch, that’s the best joke that I had. BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!
Bdyr? Haven’t seen him play that much but he’s consistantly consistant. Sign him. Where am I? What am I doing here? I am trying to buy some socks online do you sell them here?
WOOHOO! We are now down Aaron # 2! Hey that rhymes, shit I am way to excited about this but it seems like they are actually getting rid of some of the terribleness that plagued the team this year.