Not Even Turkey Coma Can Stop the Relentless March of the Muskbox

Posted by Bad Kermit
Posted on November 30, 2009

I ate all the leftovers.I’m back from my little hiatus, and don’t you for one second think the fact that the Muskbox is a week old is going to stop me from fisking it. Because it won’t.

Have the Cubs considered Fuld to play center field next year?

Probably. But this is also a franchise who has considered the following players “able” to play center field:

From what I’ve seen, he’s by far the best outfielder of anyone on the roster…

From what I’ve seen, you should watch more baseball games.

…and he has a great on-base percentage (both in the Majors and Minors). It would seem economically reasonable along with re-signing Reed Johnson. They both generate a lot of energy, something in short supply last year.
– Mike H., Santa Ana, Calif.

SHORT supply. Get it? Because Fuld is short. And “economically reasonable,” because Fuld is Jew- oh, never mind.

CARRIE: Fuld, who batted .299 in 65 games with the Cubs, will get a chance, and could be a perfect option for a fourth outfielder.

No, a “perfect” option for a fourth outfielder is Grady Sizemore or the 1997 version of Ken Griffey, Jr.

CARRIE: Lou Piniella has said he’d like another RBI guy in the mix. Fuld didn’t help his case by totaling two RBIs, and those were in his last game, Oct. 4. Clarence H. of Jackson, Miss., wrote to suggest the Cubs go with youngsters like Nelson Perez, Tyler Colvin or Brad Snyder. I haven’t seen Perez, but was impressed — as was Piniella — with Colvin in center during his brief call-up at the end of the year.

I, too, was impressed by his impressy impressivish .176/.250/.176 line.

CARRIE: Reed Johnson is a free agent, and his return will depend on whether he, his agent, and the Cubs can agree upon a workable contract.

For all you youngsters out there, generally a baseball player won’t just randomly show up at a Major League camp in the spring unless he and what we call his “agent” do what we call “agree” on the “terms” of a “contract.”

I’m sick over this talk of trading for Curtis Granderson.

I’M DRAMATIC OVER THIS MUSKBOX.

The Cubs finally have a future foundation of impact prospects on their way, and we’re talking about trading it away for Granderson?

Oh, dear. You’ve been reading Vine Line again, haven’t you? Aside from Starlin Castro, the only impact you’re going to see from a Cub prospect is that made by said prospect as his career plummets to the earth.

I agree with [ESPN.com's] Keith Law on the idea — no thanks. Imagine in 2011 or ’12 with [Josh] Vitters at third, [Starlin] Castro and Hak-Ju Lee up the middle, Brett Jackson or Colvin in center field and [Geovany] Soto behind the plate. Not to mention [Andrew] Cashner and [Jay] Jackson in the rotation with [Carlos] Marmol at the back end of the bullpen. The Cubs would be so flush with cash and flexibility, it’d be coming out of their ears. Kind of like, oh, I don’t know, the Red Sox?

I[, Bad Kermit,] couldn’t agree more. If [the Cubs] were run more like the [Red] Sox, [the Cubs] would have won more [Major League Baseball World] Pennants. Their [good] success would be an inspiration to us fans [of the Chicago Cubs].

I’m so giddy about the solid foundation of homegrown talent that I would be completely fine with just competing in 2010.

Such a fine line between giddy and retarded.

I’m sick of 100-year talk and every year having to be the year. Let’s slow down once, be patient and build this baby for the long haul.
– Peter O., Chicago

You mean, like, the NEXT hundred years?

CARRIE: Baseball America recently projected the Cubs’ 2013 lineup as: Soto at catcher, Derrek Lee at first, Castro at second, Aramis Ramirez at third, Hak-Ju Lee at short, Vitters in left, Jackson in center, and Kyler Burke in right. According to Baseball America, the rotation four years from now will be Carlos Zambrano, Jackson, Chris Carpenter (not the Cardinals’ ace), Ryan Dempster and Randy Wells, with Cashner as the closer.

Baseball America: eater of all of my hopes and dreams.

CARRIE: Would I like to see that? Yes — or something close to that. Will the Cubs do that despite a fan base and media that seem to demand instant gratification? I don’t know.

Is it hackish to write questions and answer them myself? Yes. Am I starting to get worried about this mole on my wrist? Yes. If I were Ryan Theriot, would the first thing I’d do be to get a haircut? Yes. Can I see through time and space to the 2013 lineup? I don’t know.

I just wanted to say I believe signing Jaramillo will help Milton Bradley. I know Jaramillo does not take a lot of nonsense. It just seems like a great move to bring someone in that Bradley is familiar with (and has had success with) and can hopefully put him back on the right track. Has Bradley mentioned anything about the signing?
– Greg H., Elmhurst, Ill.

Why didn’t Carrie add “[Rudy]“? I don’t know. Was Carrie just being a bitch to that other guy? Possibly. Does this guy seriously think Bradley is going to be on the team next year? Apparently.

CARRIE: The Cubs’ decision to hire Jaramillo was not connected to Bradley. However, if GM Jim Hendry can’t move the switch-hitting outfielder, having Jaramillo on the team will give Bradley someone he is comfortable with.

At least until Jaramillo makes the unforgivable mistake of saying something controversial and overtly racist such as, “Hey, Milton. What’s going on, friend?”

The Cubs had problems last year determining an everyday second baseman.

WINNER: Most Inexplicable Use of the Word “Determining”

There are many candidates such as Dan Uggla, whom the Marlins are trying to unload, and even free agent Chone Figgins. I see the biggest need this offseason is to get an everyday second baseman. What do you think?
– Blair S., Chesterfield, Mo.

The Cubs already have an everyday second baseman. Unfortunately, he’s so busy playing shortstop, I don’t know if he’ll have time to play second.

CARRIE: Figgins is versatile, but he has played more games at third base and outfield than second. Don’t think teams are looking at him for second. Uggla is coming off a season in which he batted a personal-low .243 in 158 games with 31 homers, 27 doubles and 90 RBIs. He also struck out 150 times. He made 16 errors, second most among NL second basemen, and has committed double-digit errors every season. There has been talk that the Marlins want him to change positions. Uggla also is expensive. He was paid $5.35 million in 2009 and is arbitration-eligible.

Plus, just ask Rex Grossman’s dad what the city of Chicago does to athletes with T-Rex arms. Uggla won’t stand a chance.

CARRIE: The Mets are believed to be interested in moving Luis Castillo, 34. A switch-hitter, he batted .264 against lefties and .319 against right-handers, and he made 11 errors. He’s also expensive. Castillo has two years remaining on his four-year deal, and he is owed $12 million ($6 million each year).

He’s also completely terrible, and somehow has less power than Theriot. LESS POWER THAN THERIOT.

CARRIE: Cubs second basemen did struggle in ’09, combining to hit .254 with seven homers and 49 RBIs. I think the in-house option of Jeff Baker is better than Castillo or Uggla. Baker posted a .288 average in 81 games, hit four homers, 15 doubles and drove in 24 runs. He made three errors total last year (two at second, one at third). Both he and Mike Fontenot, who is still on the roster, are arbitration-eligible, and both are better defensively than Uggla or Castillo. People need to stop suggesting Alfonso Soriano move back to second. He was switched to the outfield for a reason.

What that reason is, is hard to define.

CARRIE: And the biggest need on my offseason wish list is moving Bradley.

Where does “one solid, intelligent Muskbox” fall? Second-biggest? Third-biggest?

How did Jackson, DJ LeMahieu, Austin Kirk and Christopher Rusin do in the Minor Leagues this year? Which one is most likely to make it to the Cubs roster or to any MLB roster?
– Dean S., Goshen, Ind.

Seriously? I write a fucking Cubs blog, and I’ve never heard of 75% of those guys. And which Jackson do you mean, Dean? Jay? Brett? NIC?

CARRIE: If I were a betting person, I’d put my money on Jackson and LeMahieu to get to the big leagues before Kirk and Rusin.

“Fortunately, I’m not a betting person. I’m a teetotaling librarian whose biggest gamble was briefly turning off the parental controls on my TV so I could watch a show about chastity. It was FILTHY, by the way.”

CARRIE: Jackson, the Cubs’ No. 1 pick in the 2009 First-Year Player Draft, batted .330 in 24 games at Class A Boise with one homer, one double, one triple and 15 RBIs. He was promoted to Class A Peoria and hit .295 in 26 games with seven homers, five doubles, one triple and 17 RBIs.

So, on a scale from 1 to SAM FULD, how soon should we start building a statue of him outside of Wrigley Field?

CARRIE: In 28 games at Peoria, LeMahieu batted .316 with four doubles, two triples and 30 RBIs. Kirk pitched in five games with the Mesa Rookie League team and two games with Boise, which isn’t enough to gauge.

“I couldn’t find those statistics.”

CARRIE: Rusin pitched in 11 games total. He started eight at Boise and struck out 27 and walked nine over 31 innings.

Rothschild is going to have to work with him to get that total up. The walk total, of course.

Do you think the Ricketts family would approve a “Goat Day” at Wrigley Field? On this day, a goat and its handler (like from a petting zoo) would be allowed onto the field to watch the game and therefore undo the curse of the billy goat. I say do it.
– Scott R., Dixon, Ill.

Fuck you.

CARRIE: The Cubs tried that in 1994, when a goat was led onto the field (and through the bullpen while Steve Trachsel was warming up). It didn’t work. Besides, the Ricketts family doesn’t believe in curses.

What do you mean, “didn’t work”? Thanks to that goat, we didn’t have to watch an entire 162-game season from the shit show that was the 1994 Cubs. Tom Trebelhorn. Yeesh.

Broadcasters & Journalists, Cubs, Muskbox

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