You are in for quite a treat, loyal Muskboxers. I am pretty certain that this week’s Muskbox contains the most long-winded narrative answer to ever pour from the bun-based pencil of Carrie herself.

I’ve been reading that the Tigers are putting Curtis Granderson on the trade block. What are the chances the Cubs lure him to Chicago?
– Robert B., Chicago

That all depends on how much Granderson likes peanut butter and how good he is at spotting tripwires.

CARRIE: The Cubs are interested in Granderson, 28, and the two sides did talk last week, but don’t believe reports that GM Jim Hendry is going to deal a top prospect like Starlin Castro for the outfielder. A popular player in Detroit, in 2009 Granderson stole 20 bases, drove in 71 runs, and hit a career-high 30 homers. Last season, Cubs center fielders combined to hit .260 with 14 homers and 62 RBIs.

That’s good!

CARRIE: However, Granderson is also coming off a career-low .249 season in which he struck out 141 times and posted an unimpressive on-base percentage of .327. He also struggled against left-handers, batting .183. The Cubs have used a part-time platoon with Kosuke Fukudome, who batted .164 against lefties last season.

That’s bad.

CARRIE: Granderson would fill the leadoff spot…

That’s good!

CARRIE: …but he’s also still owed a lot on his contract ($5.5 million in 2010, $8.25 million in 2011, $10 million in 2012) and that could hold the Cubs back as long as Milton Bradley is still on the roster.

That’s bad.

CARRIE: The Tigers won’t swap outfielders — Jim Leyland made that clear in July when Bradley was rumored to be going to Detroit. Not true, Leyland said.

…

CARRIE: That’s bad.

Can I go now?

CARRIE: According to reports, Detroit GM Dave Dombrowski also has talked to the Yankees and the Angels about Granderson. There are other young players in the Cubs system besides Castro who could be used as trade bait, and two players — Jake Fox and Micah Hoffpauir — who would definitely benefit by being in the American League.

How would Hoffpauir benefit? Do they not throw curve balls in the American League?

CARRIE: Asked last week about whether he’d be inclined to move prospects in trades, Hendry said there are a lot of guys he doesn’t want to deal.

Unfortunately for us all, every single one of those guys is Ryan Theriot and Ryan Dempster.

CARRIE: “We’re in a situation now, as we all know, we’ll be mixing and matching this winter more than just trading prospects for a high-end salary guy,” Hendry told reporters at the GM meetings in Chicago.

TRANSLATION: “Remember how you were all excited about the Cubs having new ownership, because you thought they were going to spend a bunch of money to bring a championship to Chicago? Well, you just got tea-bagged by the Ricketts family. Yes, including Laura.”

CARRIE: The only downside for Granderson coming to the Cubs could be finding enough tickets for home games.

Yes, tickets are the only downside. Not having yet another lefty outfielder on the roster who hits left-handed pitching approximately as well as I do. Someone needs to teach Reed Johnson to play right-center field so he can platoon for both Kosuke Fukudome and Granderson when there’s a lefty on the mound.

CARRIE: He grew up in suburban Lynwood, prepped at Thornton Fractional South and played three seasons at University of Illinois-Chicago. There are other options. Read on.

I love it when you get bossy. Now, put on a wool skirt, hit me in the knuckles with a ruler, and make me call you “Mother Hubbard.”

I’ve heard rumors about the Cubs possibly signing Marlon Byrd. I think this would be a great idea since Byrd led the Rangers last year in almost every hitting category. What are the chances that Byrd could come to the Cubs to play center and Kosuke Fukudome move to right field?
– Shane G., Woodridge, Ill.

2009 Texas Ranger hitting categories led by Marlon Byrd: Doubles. RBIs. Times hit by pitch. Sacrifice flies.

SOUNDS GRITTY!!!

CARRIE: Hendry was interested in Byrd last offseason, and if the Cubs were to add the free-agent outfielder, he’d be reunited with Rudy Jaramillo, who was his hitting coach in Texas and has now joined the Cubs. Byrd, 32, is coming off his best offensive season, setting personal highs in games played (146), home runs (20) and RBIs (89). A right-handed bat, he only hit .244 against lefties.

If there’s one thing this roster lacks, it’s outfielders who can’t hit lefties.

CARRIE: Byrd has played for the Phillies, Nationals and Rangers. He made $3.06 million this year and apparently wants a multiyear deal. Because the Cubs already have so much money committed to players and are still burdened with Bradley’s contract, I don’t see Hendry with much flexibility. Granderson is younger and better defensively than Byrd, but more expensive. And Reed Johnson, who filed for free agency last week, is still an option.

Can he not hit lefties? Because that appears to be a major offseason goal of Jim Hendry’s.

With Mike Fontenot receiving the “Super Two” status, how does this affect the Cubs plans for him? Does it make him more vulnerable to a trade or release?
– Ross K., Avon, Ind.

Not as long as he keeps not hitting lefthanded pitchers!

CARRIE: It’s a positive for Fontenot, who could make an additional $500,000 by being arbitration-eligible. That said, the second baseman hasn’t priced himself out of the Cubs’ picture as a non-tender candidate.

It will be a sad, sad day indeed when Fontenot is too expensive for the Cubs.

CARRIE: Other arbitration-eligible players on the Cubs include Jeff Baker, Neal Cotts, Tom Gorzelanny, Angel Guzman, Aaron Heilman, Koyie Hill, Carlos Marmol and Sean Marshall.

Am I the only one who gets a stress headache every time he thinks about the Cub roster? I mean, other than Neal Cotts?

Aramis Ramirez had the shoulder problem in 2009. When he returned to action, he said he would definitely have it operated on at the end of the season. When the season ended, he changed his mind. I see him getting hurt next year and spending a lot of time on the disabled list, leaving the Cubs with the same situation they had this year — a big hole in the lineup. What are the Cubs’ and your feelings regarding this situation?
– Bill Z., Sarasota, Fla.

That you’re a witch who sees the future! BURN HIM!!!

CARRIE: When Ramirez returned, he said he was considering surgery, not that he would have it. He’s dealt with a separated shoulder in the past, and recovered without needing surgery. He has an offseason program designed to strengthen his shoulder. To avoid the “big hole,” Hendry has to make sure the Cubs’ roster includes a better backup third baseman.

Perhaps one with a stubbly beard, a New Jersey accent, and the ability to capture the hearts and underpants of the women of Chicago.

Are the Cubs going to stay in Mesa this year? I’ve heard many rumors about Florida and other cities in Arizona. My family and I are planning to go to Spring Training, so we really want to know.
– Sanjay H., Alexandria, Va.

Actually, we’re trying to keep it under raps. We’re hoping Neal Cotts and Aaron Heilman go to the wrong state.

CARRIE: You can go ahead and book a trip to Arizona this year. The spring schedule should be released soon and, yes, the Cubs will play in Mesa in 2010 and 2011. After that, who knows? The Ricketts family was expected to make a decision within the next three-to-six months as to whether the Cubs will stay in Arizona for 2012 and beyond or move to Florida.

That will work out nicely if they move to Florida in 2012. Alfonso Soriano will just be hitting retirement age, Ted Lilly can take up alligator wrestling, and Ryan Theriot can ride the Dumbo ride at Disney World.

Trade Roy Halladay for Bradley. Fukudome to right. Tyler Colvin in center. Wishful thinking?
– Ryan P., Sioux Falls, S.D.

Succinct. Quick. Mentally retarded in every conceivable way.

CARRIE: Not wishful, but very unlikely. The Blue Jays won’t make that deal.

Especially since Halladay KILLS left-handed pitching!