Hire Jim Essian

Did anyone catch the pregame show before World Series Game 5 last night? Jorge Posada was being interviewed, and he said, “It’s been since 2000 since we won the World Series, so I think the fans have waited long enough.” Fuck you. With that, here’s this week’s Muskbox.

How much influence does the Ricketts family have on the Cubs as the new team owners? You seem to have alluded that all the previous businessmen couldn’t bring a World Series title to Chicago, so do these former bleacher bums set a new tone?
– Mason R., Austin, Texas

As owners, they can do anything they want to. That’s right. Anything. If they tell Aramis Ramirez that they want him to strap on a saddle so they can ride him around the outfield like a pony, he’ll ask where they want him to attach the bag of oats.

CARRIE: Absolutely. The biggest difference is that the Cubs now are owned by a family…

…that wants to make money…

CARRIE: …not a corporation.

…that wants to make money.

CARRIE: The Ricketts’ primary focus is…

…money.

CARRIE: …the team and Wrigley Field, and they plan on re-investing any profits back into…

…things that will make them more money.

CARRIE: …the Cubs and the ballpark. On Friday, Tom Ricketts stressed the need to have “world class facilities,” which means upgrading Wrigley Field for the fans and the players. There’s also a face — actually four, counting Tom’s brothers and sister — to relate to.

I think you can safely count that as only one face on four different heads.

CARRIE: Everyone in the organization will be held accountable. Whether their efforts result in a World Series title ultimately will be up to the players.

Of course, what players are here will ultimately be up to the Rickettses.

If the Cubs stay in Mesa, Ariz., for Spring Training, is there any likelihood they will stay in the same area? We recently bought our house and it’s within walking distance from HoHoKam Stadium. The Cubs are the reason we bought it. Who do I need to talk with to keep the club in my neighborhood?
– Phil N., Mesa, Ariz.

You bought a house just to be within walking distance of being able to watch Jason Dubois, Sam Fuld, and So Taguchi battle it out in the outfield for 20 meaningless games a year. Maybe you should talk to the guy who gives you your anti-retard medicine first.

CARRIE: You can send a letter to new owner Tom Ricketts, but it probably won’t do any good. The team is going to move, and the only question now is whether it’s going to Arizona or Florida. The Cubs have outgrown their current site in Mesa, which is why they’re considering other options, including Naples, Fla. The team wants a larger stadium, room for six practice fields, a state-of-the-art training facility, and parking for 4,000 cars. The Florida folks talked about the chance to create a “Wrigley village.” There isn’t room for expansion at Fitch Park or HoHoKam Stadium, and you know that since you now live in the area. Team officials will tour sites in Mesa this week during the Cubs’ organizational meetings. Tom Ricketts was to get a helicopter tour of potential Spring Training sites as well as a sales pitch from the governor of Arizona and other state executives. I’ve heard there are four to 10 different locations to consider in Mesa. The Collier County people in Florida showed Tom Ricketts and team president Crane Kenney three possible sites near Naples.

Hey, this is actually a pretty good answer. So, I guess I’ll just say I hope Crane Kenney gets decapitated on the way to or from the next helicopter.

With Carlos Marmol moving to closer, there seems to be a gaping hole in the setup position. No. 1, will Carlos remain the closer for 2010? No. 2, if he is the closer next year, who is going to be our setup man? It seems like either way, you have a big hole that needs filling.
– Zach B., Woodstock, Ill.

And if there’s anyone who knows anything about big holes that desperately need filling, it’s Carrie!

CARRIE: Yes, Marmol will be the closer. Secondly, I don’t see a gaping hole.

It’s- Oh, never mind.

CARRIE: Some of the candidates for the main setup guy include Esmailin Caridad, Justin Berg, Angel Guzman, Aaron Heilman, Jeff Stevens, David Patton, John Gaub, and, probably the best choice, John Grabow, who is a free agent.

Maybe, maybe, yes, NO, NO, NO, maybe, maybe. Hole gaped.

CARRIE: E-mailers who have suggested the team keep Rich Harden for the setup job should…

…shoot themselves.

CARRIE: …forget that idea. The job requires a durable arm.

KERRY WOODSES!

What happened to hitting coach Von Joshua?
– Pete C., Forest Park, Ill.

He got deported back to Germany.

CARRIE: Joshua, who took over for Gerald Perry in June, was offered the chance to return to Triple-A Iowa, and accepted.

Clearly, he is hoping he’ll get the chance to work with the incomparable SAM FULD. It’s too bad he didn’t ask what happened to Gerald Perry, who is currently working as a carnival barker somewhere in parts unknown.

Everyone is saying Mike Fontenot or Jeff Baker should play second base next year. Where’s Andres Blanco in all of this? He’s great defensively, a switch-hitter, and picked it up later in the season, taking his batting average from near .200 and finishing at .252 with a push. Why is no one talking about him?
– Bob S., LaPorte, Ind.

Because Jeff Baker is a much better hitter. Come back when you’ve made a case for Blanco starting instead of Theriot.

CARRIE: Lou Piniella likes Blanco’s glovework, but the infielder has to show he can handle big league pitching. He’s doing well in Venezuela with Magallanes, and he’ll get a good look this spring. Check out MiLB.com or my blog for Winter League updates.

No thanks.

Which free agent outfielders are going to be available to replace Milton Bradley in right or center field? How about second basemen?
– Ken F., Huntley, Ill.

Hurray! A listing question!

CARRIE: In a perfect world, Kosuke Fukudome moves back to right field for the Cubs…

No, in a perfect world the Cubs sign a hot girl with huge boobs and loose morals who hits .800 with 60 HRs and 200 RBIs to play right field for them. Your perfect world sucks, Carrie.

CARRIE: …which means the team needs to figure out center. Here’s a list of potential free agent center fielders and their 2009 stats:

Rick Ankiel, .231/11 HR/38 RBIs
Rocco Baldelli, .253/7 HR/23 RBIs
Marlon Byrd, .283/20 HR/89 RBIs
Mike Cameron, .250/24 HR/70 RBIs
Endy Chavez, .273/2 HR/13 RBIs
Coco Crisp, .228/3 HR/14 RBIs
Darin Erstad, .194/2 HR/11 RBIs
Ryan Freel, .193/0 HR/5 RBIs
Jerry Hairston Jr., .251/10 HR/39 RBIs
Reed Johnson, .255/4 HR/22 RBIs
Andruw Jones, .214/17 HR/43 RBIs
Mark Kotsay, .278/4 HR/23 RBIs
Corey Patterson, .103/0 HR/0 RBIs
Scott Podsednik, .304/7 HR/48 RBIs
Dewayne Wise, .225/2 HR/11 RBIs

Holy God, Corey Patterson really did hit only .103, with a .207 OPS. Amazing.

CARRIE: As for second base options, the Cubs most likely will stick with their in-house guys, Baker, Fontenot and Blanco. Here are the free-agents-to-be at second:

Ronnie Belliard, .277/10 HR/39 RBIs
Jamey Carroll, .276/2 HR/26 RBIs
Alex Cora, .251/1 HR/18 RBIs
Craig Counsell, .285/4 HR/39 RBIs
Mark DeRosa, .250/23 HR/78 RBIs
Jerry Hairston Jr., .251/10 HR/39 RBIs
Orlando Hudson .283/9 HR/62 RBIs
Akinori Iwamura, .290/1 HR/22 RBIs
Adam Kennedy, .289/11 HR/63 RBIs
Felipe Lopez, .310/9 HR/57 RBIs
Mark Loretta, .232/0 HR/25 RBIs
Pablo Ozuna, .282/3 HR/45 RBIs (career)
Placido Polanco, .285/10 HR/72 RBIs
Luis Rodriguez, .202/2 HR/16 RBIs
Juan Uribe, .289/16 HR/55 RBIs

Can they just play with eight fielders?

CARRIE: Speaking of free agents, nobody asked…

So, why bother?

…but you can cross the Cubs off the list of teams interested in Cuban left-handed pitcher Aroldis Chapman.

/crosses the Cubs off his “list of shit I don’t need to keep track of, because the internet does it for me”

CARRIE: He has met with several big league teams and the Cubs did talk to his agent, but Chapman doesn’t fit in their budget.

Chapman will cost them money instead of making them money. See?