We live in an unstable world. Each day, we walk out our front doors not knowing what the day has in store for us. Will our car die on the way to work? We will make it to work without avoiding an accident? If we make it to work safely, will our job still be there? But even in this time of uncertainty, there is one thing that is unquestionable. The Muskbox will always be there for us. Sucking ass in new and amazing ways. And I’ll be here, too. Mocking it.

The Cubs expect Alfonso Soriano and Geovany Soto to have better years in 2010. Why not Mike Fontenot? Did something happen to him that no one is talking about? Even with his horrible year at the plate, he was great on defense. Second base is a defensive position and it would be hard to find a better defender. Cubs fans deserve to see what kind of season Mike would have if he were allowed to play the entire season at second base.
– Gina S., Park Ridge, Ill.

For the sake of Gina S., I have compiled a list of second basemen in MLB history who are better defenders than Mike Fontenot. Just go ahead and click below.

FILE CANNOT BE DISPLAYED, BECAUSE KERMIT LISTED EVERY FUCKING SECOND BASEMAN IN THE HISTORY OF THE MLB.

You could roll Juan Pierre’s balls down the third baseline and hit a better defensive second baseman than Mike Fontenot. You could print out the Muskbox, wad it up, climb into the press box, and fling it randomly, and you’d hit a better defensive second baseman than Mike Fontenot. You could build a time machine, go back to the Cretaceous Period, pick any species, bring them back to this time period, put a #17 jersey on them, and no one would notice the drop off in defense between the creature and Mike Fontenot.

CARRIE: Gina…

An early draft of the Muskbox read, “GINA S. CHRIST!”

CARRIE: Fontenot did get the chance to play. He didn’t produce. His struggles weren’t headline news, mainly because big name players like Soriano, Soto and others faltered. There were high hopes for Fontenot after he hit .305 in 119 games in 2008. This year, he finished with the same number of home runs (9), doubles (22) and three more RBIs than the previous season, played 16 more games, but hit .236. He struck out 51 times in ’08, and 83 times this year. He seemed overmatched. Lou Piniella stuck with him because of his glovework, and to Fontenot’s credit, he never let his problems at the plate affect him on the field.

The “Oh, at least he doesn’t take it into the field” comment bugs the shit out of me. It should be expected that one doesn’t let other aspects of one’s work affect the rest of one’s work. If I lost a big client, I wouldn’t suddenly have no fucking clue how to type, would I? “Yeah, that’s Kermit. He lost the Penske file, so now he shits himself every time he’s trying to pull together a PowerPoint presentation.”

CARRIE: As for next year, Jeff Baker is the current front runner to be the everyday second baseman if the Cubs don’t add someone. Baker batted .305 after being picked up from the Rockies. Both Fontenot and Baker are arbitration eligible. However, the Cubs could have some in-house options. Read on.

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Oh, ALL RIGHT.

If Starlin Castro is doing so well, why not have Ryan Theriot move to second and promote Castro next year? [Cubs general manager Jim] Hendry could trade Fontenot and keep Baker because of his versatility. This potentially solves one of the Cubs’ needs with players they already have. If it doesn’t work out and Castro can’t handle starting every day, Theriot can move back to short and Baker to second and Castro becomes the backup.
– Sean P., Des Moines

Because he’s a Communist.

CARRIE: Castro, 19, is riding the bullet train through the Cubs’ farm system. He was playing in the Rookie League in 2008, and this year went from high Class A Daytona to Double-A Tennessee and competed in the Southern League playoffs. Now, he’s playing in the Arizona Fall League, which is a huge test as he’s competing with some of the top prospects in the game. Castro did start at second base on Monday for the Mesa Solar Sox, the first time he’s played there all year. I know Theriot won’t like hearing this, but I’d move him to second and leave Castro at shortstop. One thing I would disagree with you on is having Castro be a backup on the big league team. He needs to play, and most likely will start the 2010 season in the Minors.

Of course, he is a Cub position prospect, so he might as well save us all a lot of anxiety and bury that bullet train deep into his brain.

I know you’ve gotten a lot of questions like this…

So just go back and read those answers.

…but since Mark DeRosa is a free agent, is there any chance the Cubs will bring him back?

Die.

It seems that since he was traded, we have a big hole at second base…

It hasn’t even been a year since he was traded. This isn’t Ryne Sandberg we’re talking about. Fuck, this isn’t even Mickey Morandini we’re talking about.

…and he was probably the most liked player on the Cubs in ’08…

Kerry Wood says, “Hi.” And now he’s reaching for his gun. You better- You better get out of here.

…and fans were pretty upset after he was traded.
– Nick S., Itasca, Ill.

The day the Cubs didn’t bring back Mark Grace. That was a sad day. When Harry Caray died. That was a sad day. When that stranger came up to the door of Cheers and Sam Malone said, “Sorry. Bar’s closed.” That was a sad day. The day the Cubs traded Mark DeRosa? That was a Wednesday.

CARRIE: If they signed players because they were popular, Mark Grace would still be starting at first.

Christ, woman, STAY OUT OF MY HEAD.

CARRIE: Never say never, but keep in mind, DeRosa will be 35, he’ll be coming off wrist surgery and a .250 season in which he posted a .319 on-base percentage and struck out 121 times. DeRosa would love the chance to work again with new Cubs hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo again.

You think the Cubs can work a trade of Jaramillo to the Cardinals? It’s a little unorthodox, but I like it.

What’s the status of the Cubs’ future in Mesa for Spring Training? I’ve heard the state of Florida is making a pitch to move the Cubs there. I also understand the new Cubs owners are due to visit Mesa soon.
– Andy H., Las Vegas

Don’t worry about it. Florida is using the same crew that prepared the Chicago 2016 pitch.

CARRIE: The state of Florida would be foolish not to try to lure the Cubs away.

And the good people of the State of Florida would NEVER do ANYTHING foolish. Especially not while I was in the middle of typing this sentence.

CARRIE: A recent study showed the Cubs bring in about $52 million to the state of Arizona during the six, seven weeks of Spring Training.

And that’s just on Lou’s liquor runs.

CARRIE: I’ve heard rumors that there are at least four sites being considered in Mesa, and new Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts was expected to check them out when he attends the organizational meetings in early November.

I would like to submit, as a dark horse candidate, my backyard. Sure, there’s probably not even room for a simple 90-foot basepath, not to mention a field. But what I lack in space, I make up for in an unbelievable amount of dog shit.

Why doesn’t this site keep us updated on the Arizona Fall League and all the Cubs prospects? Right now, is there anything more important?
– Bruce H., Chicago

The World Series. The war in Afghanistan. Going outside every once in a while.

CARRIE: Actually, I have been posting daily updates on my blog. You can also check out MiLB.com for more info and stats.

SICK BURN! Seriously, though, you should get some sun.

I keep hearing about Carlos Marmol’s “great numbers” but he seems to hit and walk an inordinate number of hitters. How does he stack up against other pitchers in that respect?
– Karen H., Port St. Lucie, Fla.

Since I’ve already proven that your state is one gigantic Crazytown, we have already quarantined your question and are currently administering shock therapy to it and singing it soothing songs.

CARRIE: The bad news is that Marmol ranked third in the National League in hit batsmen (12) behind Milwaukee’s Dave Bush (15) and Cincinnati’s Johnny Cueto (14), and they are both starters. Marmol walked 65 (he walked 41 in ’08). That’s obscene for a closer. Marmol finished tied for 17th among NL closers in saves with 15, yet the next highest number of walks among the ninth-inning specialists was 38 by the Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez and the Nationals’ Mike MacDougal.

I WANTED THE GOOD NEWS FIRST!

CARRIE: On the “great” side, Marmol led the National League in batting average with runners on, holding hitters to .131 average, and was second in batting average overall, limiting hitters to .170. The Dodgers’ Jonathan Broxton was first in the latter category at .165. Marmol also finished tied for second with Milwaukee’s Todd Coffey and San Diego’s Luke Gregorson in the NL in holds with 27.

Wait, that actually does sound pretty great. So, why is “great” in “quotes”? “What” is happening “here”?

Why won’t Piniella let Soriano bat leadoff next year if he’s not battling injury. He might be as good as he was. We did go to the playoffs two years in a row with him there so why not give it a shot and see if he can break the record for most leadoff home runs in a career.
– Dan H., Vinton, Ia.

Because (1) it’s not 2002, and (2) no one except you and Ricky Henderson cares about such a wholly meaningless statistic.

CARRIE: Soriano has 54 career leadoff blasts, while Rickey Henderson finished his Hall of Fame career with 81. I don’t think that is Soriano’s — or the Cubs’ — goal. In 41 games in the sixth spot in the order this season, Soriano hit .268. He batted .228 when he led off. The main reason to drop Soriano in the order is to protect his legs. If he’s leading off, he would be expected to run more, and batting sixth, the emphasis is more on driving on runners (that is, if there are runners on base ahead of him).

What’s the emphasis if there aren’t runners on base ahead of him? Perfect white, straight teeth? Mission accomplished, good sir! Mission accomplished!

CARRIE: A note to emailers who suggest Soriano should move back to second base: The answer is no. Just look at the number of errors he made in the infield.

Oh, good. We’re drawing the line at THAT question. Yes, indeed, THAT query is too dumb for the Muskbox. You have asked things like, “Why don’t the Cubs get rid of the blue jerseys? They STINK in the blue jerseys!” And, “Can Mark DeRosa’s tears cure cancer?” But that’s not the question that’s over the line. It’s asking about Soriano playing second base. THAT’S too dumb for the Muskbox.

Who will be the next Cubs legend “bronzed” outside of Wrigley Field? What about Ron Santo?
– Paul A., Chicago

David Kaplan. No, wait. TOO LATE!

CARRIE: What about Billy Williams? When the new ownership takes over, one issue to be addressed is the area west of Wrigley Field that was designated for the so-called “Triangle Building.” It’d be nice to see some statues there to honor great players the way other ballparks like St. Louis and Pittsburgh have done.

You know what would be even nicer to see? Pennants designating World Championships.

Who was the last Cubs player to wear No. 42?
– Eric W., Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

You’re not fooling me, Crazytown. You’re plugging that number into a computer at the bottom of a hatch that prevents the world from exploding, aren’t you?

CARRIE: Not counting the ones who wear it in honor of Jackie Robinson, the last Cubs player was pitcher Dave Smith in 1992. The last person to wear No. 42 for the Cubs was coach Dan Radison in 1997.

The last Cub to wear Jackie Robinson’s number was the first base coach of a team that started the season 0-14? WHAT AN HONOR!