Just when I thought the St. Louis Cardinals couldn’t stick anything else in their asses, they surprised me by bringing back amnesiac Mark McGwire as Albert Pujols’ “vitamins” supplier the Cardinals’ hitting coach. It would by hypocritical of me to say too much about McGwire’s past, since Sammy Sosa was going needle-for-needle with him in 1998. Of course, the Cubs didn’t hire Sosa as their hitting coach. It’s going to be fun when the Cardinals come into Wrigley Field next year. McGwire hasn’t been in the public eye since his hilarious “testimony” in front of Congress. The signs and taunts at Wrigley should be terrific. In honor of this day, let’s make fun of Rick Hummel.

Mark McGwire was without a hitting-coach portfolio as yet when he offered his first professional assessment in the spring of 2001, McGwire’s last year with the Cardinals as a player.

Things he was also without: Clearasil, a chance in hell at induction into the Hall of Fame, and normal-sized human testicles.

Approaching manager Tony La Russa, who appears finally to have worn down McGwire to return to the game, this time as the Cardinals’ hitting coach, McGwire all but demanded that La Russa keep a swarthy, 21-year-old Dominican Republic native on his roster for that season. Even though Albert Pujols had played just one season in professional baseball, including only 14 regular-season at-bats in Class AAA.

Yes, McGwire took one look into the *snicker* youngster’s dark eyes and said, “Young man *snort*, you have a chance of being something special in this league. If you can stay healthy (and you can, with Magic McGwire’s Miracle Mixture), you can play until you’re *giggle* ‘forty’!”

blockquote>McGwire had seen enough in a few weeks of spring training to know the real deal when he saw it. He teasingly (we think) threatened to wring La Russa’s neck if McGwire’s manager, both at Oakland and in St. Louis, followed through on his plan to send Pujols to the minors for more seasoning.

Roid rage! Seriously, though, that’s not true. He never threatened Tony LaRussa. McGwire did, however, threaten to systematically murder off all of LaRussa’s pitchers, making each death look more “accidental” than the last.

We’ll never know how that might have turned out, because one of the most famous hamstring injuries in Cardinals history, suffered by veteran outfielder Bobby Bonilla, ensured that Pujols would make the opening-day roster that year and the next eight � and counting.

Other famous Cardinal hamstring injuries in no particular order:

• Fernando Tatis
• Stan Musial
• Bake McBride
• Dick Sisler
• Rogers Hornsby
• Bob Tewksbury

Now that Pujols has won his first National League home-run title � the first Cardinal to do so since McGwire won two years in a row with a record 70 homers and then 65 in 1998-99 � perhaps McGwire’s influence might come into play this offseason.

Some might say it already has. Some might say we hear the name of Mark McGwire in the cheers of the fans every time Pujols hits a home run. Some might say McGwire’s face can be seen in the stagnant swampland that will eventually become Ballpark Village. Some might say McGwire’s influence can be seen in the smile of every fat little batboy. That his pockmarked visage is in the hearts and Mustangs and mullets of everyone in St. Louis. And some might say they’re not here to talk about the past.

Unofficially, McGwire has had an influence on the Cardinals the past several offseasons, having worked extensively at his southern California home with outfielder-turned-second-baseman Skip Schumaker, helping to make Schumaker a .300 hitter.

Mark McGwire’s career batting average: .263.

McGwire appears to have been less successful with outfielder Chris Duncan, another recent Cardinal who studied under McGwire, although Duncan’s recent injury history has had a significant effect on his career.

Sure he may not have had success with Duncan, but there’s money in Skip Schumaker!

But there was one other 2009 Cardinal who has sought and received McGwire’s instruction for the past two offseasons. Matt Holliday, who was with Colorado and then Oakland, has spent considerable time trying to learn how to be a better hitter with McGwire’s help and, as a pending free agent, perhaps might be more influenced to stay with the club, knowing that McGwire would be his hitting instructor all year long.

Holliday had approached McGwire through the auspices of Mike Gallego, then a Rockies coach and former Cardinals and Oakland player before that. Gallego had been a teammate of McGwire’s in Oakland and the Rockies ultimately made McGwire an offer to join them as their hitting coach, but McGwire declined, as he also chose, belatedly, not to come to spring training in 2008 as a hitting instructor for the Cardinals.

Did Dan Brown write the plot of this?

When he spoke exclusively to the Post-Dispatch last September, on the 10th anniversary of his breaking Roger Maris’ home-run record of 61, McGwire had indicated he wasn’t about to return to the game. McGwire virtually had vanished from baseball before and after his now legendary “I’m not here to talk about the past” appearance in March 2005 before a House committee investigating steroids in baseball.

Also vanished: his cystic acne and 80% of his muscle mass.

Last year, McGwire said, “I’ve just moved on with my life. There are other things in my life, my family” � McGwire and wife Stephanie have two sons, 7 and 5 � “that are so much more important. They’re more fulfilling than baseball.”

How so?

But if McGwire, who left a two-year contract worth $30 million on the table when he quit after batting .187 in an injury-plagued 2001, were to return to the game, it seemed obvious that it would be with the Cardinals.

Or the A’s, with whom he spent, like, seventy-five percent of his career. Is this because Oakland doesn’t have the BEST FANS IN BASEBALL^TM?

In September 2008, he had told the Post-Dispatch, “It’s amazing that I was only there for 4 1/2 years and I was with Oakland for 11 years, and they remember me as a Cardinal.

I just- I seriously just mentioned-

“I had a tremendous time there. Best baseball fans in America.”

Oh, Jesus Christ. Why? Because they embraced a roided-up freak for slugging a bunch of home runs? At least when we were rooting for a roided-up Sosa, he hadn’t been a Cub for less time than it takes Tony LaRussa to drunkenly say the alphabet.

Before McGwire can settle into a new position, there will be the inevitable recall to links in his past and to whatever association he had with baseball’s steroids era, the poster child of which stills seems to be Barry Bonds, who broke McGwire’s home-run record in 2001 while with the San Francisco Giants.

And if there isn’t a big recall from the mainstream media, you can rest assured that HJE will never forget.

McGwire told the Post-Dispatch, “On those things, I just keep my opinions to myself. People have their opinions and I have my opinions. People can think what they want.”

That includes you, CONGRESS!

La Russa often has said one of the biggest regrets of his career was pinch-hitting young Kerry Robinson for McGwire in the ninth inning in Game 5 of the National League Division Series in Arizona in 2001. Robinson successfully executed a sacrifice, even though the Cardinals would lose the game and the series in the bottom half of the inning. But La Russa never could forgive himself for depriving McGwire, however badly he was going, of potentially his last big-league at-bat.

Are you suggesting Mark McGwire didn’t have a final big-league at-bat?

Now, at least, La Russa has coaxed McGwire back into uniform, although it’s safe to say that McGwire’s duties will not include the art of the sacrifice bunt. McGwire, who had 583 home runs, had just three sacrifices in his career and none in his last 10 seasons.

Now THAT’S how you end an article. Don’t bother saying something witty like, “Will McGwire’s quiet influence help lead the Cardinals to consecutive NL Central titles? We’ll just have to wait and see what’s in the Cards.” Or perhaps, “If Tony LaRussa and Mark McGwire play their Cards right, this could be a match made in baseball heaven.” Or maybe, “How will McGwire help improve a team that 730 runs last year? By injecting the players with synthetic hormones that will make them monsters…IN THE CARDS.”

Nah, just trail off with something about sacrifice bunting.