When there’s no Cubs baseball about which I can obsess, my mind tends to wander. The other day, I got to wondering what the hell managers actually say when they go out to argue a call. How can an umpire and a manager carry on a conversation that lasts more than thirty seconds?
It seems to me, that every single baseball argument should go something like this:
LOU: He was out!
UMP: No, he was safe. I saw it, and there is no instant replay.
LOU: Oh, okay.
Really, what is there left to say? How does this conversation go on for another five minutes? Does Lou start reciting scripture? Does he speak in tongues? Does he do the Braveheart speech? I’m legitimately asking this. It seems to me that if the conversation goes any longer than about fifteen seconds, well of course Lou is going to start talking about how the ump’s wife and dog rape each other, and that’s why the ump has retard babies. Insulting an ump’s family is certainly more satisfying than yelling, “Nuh-uh!” at him for five minutes. Has anyone ever been close enough to hear a lengthy argument between Lou (or, hell, any manager) and an ump? I’d love to know what was said.
My understanding is that, like any good argument about politics or religion or Joel vs Mike in MST3K, the argument tends to spiral out from the particular to the general. From “You blew that call” to “You’ve blown every call this game” to “You’ve blown every call this season” to “The best part of you ran down Dave Kingman’s leg when he fucked your mom while your dad was in the other room making him a sandwich and thus conceived you.” The key in really drawing out any argument is to move from specific, targeted criticism to spraying saliva and vitriol as quickly as possible.
Good question, and a subject I’ve pondered about as well.
Earlier this year I read “As They See ‘Em” by Bruce Weber which is a book about Umpires, and the book goes into detail about these kinds of ump-manager arguments.
Basically, it’s a lot of swearing and insulting with tons of repetition, kinda like this:
(Lou runs out of the dugout after a close call by an Ump)
Lou: What the f*** was that? (This is apparently what managers say most of the time when they storm out of the dugout)
Ump: He was out.
Lou: You’re f***ing kidding me, he was safe.
Ump: He was out, I had the best look at the play.
Lou: You’re f***ing blind, he was safe.
Ump: The ball beat the runner, he was out.
Lou: You’re just trying to f*** us over. I know it.
Ump: He was out.
Lou: You’re f***ing blind and you’re f***ing up our entire season.
Ump: Are you done?
Lou: No I’m not f***ing done. You’re f***ing us over. He was safe. You’re f***ing up our entire season.
And it goes on and on in circles.
Apparently, there’s one word a manager (or anyone else arguing with an ump) can say that 100% guarantees he’ll be ejected. Any guesses?
@xolager – I’ve heard “cocksucker” is the magic word. Is that it?
Hmmm… that could be one too. The magic word, from what I’ve read, is “motherfucker.”
@xolager – You’re probably right. It definitely has to have something to do with some act of depravity.
Reminds me of this classic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl-4FSRYagc
@Bad Kermit –
One man’s act of depravity is another man’s weekend at Sox fantasy camp.
I’m a fan of this one myself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggy6WGUFaYs&feature=related
I have never seen an instance where the manager goes out there and says “hey you were wrong on that call” and the umpire says “you know lou, you were absolutely correct, thanks for bringing it to my attention”. Maybe Lou just wants a nap, so he goes out there, insults the umps’ mother/wife/sister and then takes a nice siesta in the clubhouse.
I bet at some point Lou has gone out there and just yelled about meaningless shit. Most likely in his first year, like that one with Pagan at 3rd that lit the fire under us.
“did you see the fucking office a few weeks back? How fucking dare they give Ryan the job? That is horseshit right there!”
“I saw he was out.”
“I dont fucking care, its Angel Pagan. Do you really think i care if that asshole gets on base? How do you feel about Jim and Pam?”
“Lou, go back to your dugout.”
“I hate those damn unproductive bastards! I watch the office as escapism because no one on this team gives a shit! And I can’t talk to anyone else about this because they dont watch the show! Fuck them! And fuck Creed, too, that guy is more fucking useless than Corey Patterson!”
“Hey, fuck you Lou, the Grass Roots were awesome!”
“The Grass Roots were a horseshit band that couldnt hold a fucking candle to the Beatles!”
“that’s it, nobody insults the grass roots. You’re gone!”
and with that, we went on to win the divison.
I wonder what Angel Hernandez says when he tosses players and managers. I can’t think of any other ump who pisses players and managers off more.
Of course that may be due to the fact that he doesn’t wait long before (emphatically) tossing them out. Or that he’s anything but passive when players scream at him.
That’s tremendous. I used to love Earl Weaver. He never quit. He just kept coming. Somebody should have decked him, though.
/I would make a lousy ump. I would have decked him.
That one is too over the top. That guy was acting. Earl Weaver really MEANT it.
I’d like to have an argument please.
In truth, managers and umpires rarely really argue. It’s all just for show. What they really say varies from manager to manager, but Lou usually likes to do a duet with the ump of this timeless classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM0sTNtWDiI
@Monty Python –
Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke, you vaucous, stuffy-nosed malodorous pervert!