Hire Jim Essian

In the 90’s, many of you probably spent hours staring at a white Bronco leading the lowest-speed chase in California history. In the 00’s, the captivating chase was even slower. You probably spent some time yesterday watching an empty helium balloon floating through the Colorado sky. A balloon. You’re a grown person. Even toddlers lose interest in balloons withing minutes of being introduced to them. Anyhow, they found little balloon boy Falcon hiding up in the attic. This morning, the Heene family is doing the talk show circuit while Falcon vomits on everything he sees. Terrific parenting, you dirty hippies. Thanks, as always, for all the tips. Send more here.

• One of the readers of The Cub Reporter created this nifty quiz on our Opening Day lineups from 1990 through 2009. You only have to type in last names (I found out the hard way). I also discovered that my 2007 Opening Day lineup was astonishingly bad. Why did I take this job again?
• Even in victory, Alex Rodriguez finds a way to screw up in the postseason.
• But at least he’s having a better postseason than Miguel Cabrera.
• Planning on having a productive Friday? Really? Well, the internet is a game now. Consider your workday fucked.
• Where did the term “bullpen” come from? No one really knows, but here are six theories. I don’t even use “bullpen.” I just call it my “series of unfortunate events.”
• Where were you thirty years ago? I’ll tell you where you should have been. Reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (or having it read to you, if you’re a young, snot-nosed punk). So long, Douglas Adams. And thanks for all the fish laughs.
• Here’s your weekly supply of nightmare fuel. Quite literally this time.
• I don’t really understand what the story here is. There are billions of them walking around right now.
• And since I’m feeling misogynistic, enjoy. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
• I’m sure it’s some nerdy “math” thing, but this is still pretty fun. Try not to smudge up your monitor.
• Presenting the 100 Funniest Sports Photos of All Time. With a special appearance by Scotty Pods!
• This article about a guy who took a picture every day until he died is old, but I just found it, so deal with it.
• Remember our old pal Daniel Kamen? He’s back (I think), and he’s looking to fuck up your dog’s spine. (HT: EnricoPallazzo)
• You’ve seen bizarre family photos in the Roundup before, but some of these are new to me. (HT: Psychoch)
• Not even Kermit has heard of the bachelor frog meme, but here it is in all its glory. (HT: Randy)
• Thrillho posted these videos over at Desipio, and I don’t even know how to describe them. Just watch.

  Seriously, Japan. What the fuck?

• You know how much I love lists about recent baseball history, so how about this list of the most forgettable uniforms of the last 30 years. Yes, the terrible mid-90’s Cubs away jersey made the list.
• I have a couple of new, great sites this week. My favorite is Letters of Note which is, in their words, “an attempt to gather and sort fascinating letters, postcards, telegrams, faxes, and memos.” (See if you can find the Hugh Johnson on the site!) The next two are a wee bit NSFW, but you might also enjoy Awkward Boners (not having them, but seeing other people have them). (HT: Tinker to Evers to Chance) You might also like Regretsy, which highlights the worst of the handmade crap on Etsy. (HT: morpheus) If you’re looking for something a bit more offensive, you’ll find it at Ugliest Tattoos. Specifically, here. (Regretful HT: Steve)

That’s it for me, gang. Here’s hoping the NLCS goes seven games so we don’t miss out on a single moment of Chip Caray.
-Sweet Uncle Lou