Just rub some HGH on it, and you'll be fine.Thank you, Matt Holliday. Thank you so very much for last night. Sure, it may sound like sour grapes to laugh at the misfortunes of the Cardinals. And it most certainly is. There will be Cardinals fans saying things like, “Well, at least our team MADE the playoffs!” And they can go fuck themselves. Because we could have said the same thing the last two years. And, I’m sorry, nothing that happened to us in the past two years was as big a nut punch as giving up a lead with two outs in the bottom of the ninth because your “savior” of a left fielder got racked in the balls by a routine line out. I didn’t think an error could get more hilarious than Mark DeRosa’s error on Wednesday night (image courtesy of Andy Dolan).

But you win, Matt Holliday. You win (thanks again, Dolan).

In honor of your contribution to this lovely day, this Roundup is dedicated to you, Matt Holliday. Roundup tips, as always, are welcome and appreciated. Oh, and don’t forget tomorrow’s Mathematical Elimination Party at Mullen’s in Lisle starting at 8:00 p.m. If you want to get there a bit early, you might get a chance to see the end of the Cardinals’ postseason “run.”

  • Cardinals fans are THE BEST IN BASEBALL.
  • They’re so good, in fact, that they came out in DROVES to support their new, talented left fielder. So much so, that they lost millions of dollars in revenue from last season. (HT: John)
  • I’m sure the Cardinals will be fine in Game Three. After all, they are managed by the smartest man in baseball. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
  • It looks like we’re seeking to swap one outfielder who plays better defense than Holliday for another outfielder who plays better defense than Holliday.
  • A fun little flash game gives you five seconds to do one last thing before the world ends. No, Cardinals fans, you don’t get to shoot Matt Holliday.
  • Can the Cardinals come back from the dead to take the NLDS? Hopefully not.
  • If Holliday finds himself surrounded by Cardinals fans this weekend and needs a quick escape, maybe he should read this.
  • I hear Holliday rode in a similar fashion on the flight from L.A. to St. Louis. (HT: Mike D.)
  • Do you suppose Holliday is staring at his testicles this morning?
  • “Whatever” tops the list of most annoying words. I’ll use it in a sentence. Whatever was Matt Holliday thinking when he allowed that ball to strike him in the gonads?
  • I’m assuming Holliday went home and procrastibated instead of dwelling on his costly error.
  • Guess whose friends and family network got an awful lot smaller last night?
  • Roger Penrose suggests that maybe Holliday DID catch that line drive.
  • Are you having as bad a day at work as Holliday did yesterday? Go to Can’t You See I’m Busy and play some video games IN DISGUISE.
  • Maybe baseball just isn’t Holliday’s sport. Maybe he should try something simpler, like Beirut.
  • At least Holliday can drown his sorrows in an innovative way.
  • Can you name all of the major sports teams whose names don’t end in an “s”? Can you catch a routine line drive? If the answers to both of these questions are “yes,” apply in lovely St. Louis!
  • Which jersey do you think is worth more right now? Holliday’s or Perez’s? (HT: A-Ram Baller)
  • The end of that Cardinals game was almost as crazy as the end of this high school football game. (HT: Luis)
  • My new favorite site of the week is Item Not as Described. For example: “Left fielder. All-Star. Will make all the routine plays.”

Oh, that was fun. Seriously, though, fuck the fucking Cardinals. Go Dodgers!

-Sweet Uncle Lou