Welcome to the merciful final weekend of the season. I can’t honestly recommend watching us finish up the season against a bad Diamondbacks team, so instead I’ll suggest that you pay attention to the only pennant race left.
Kermit has made no secret of his unabashed love for the Minnesota Twins. I can hardly blame him. All of the things that the Cubs do wrong, the Twins do right. Plus, they own the White Sox, and they make Ozzie Guillen’s brain explode. Which is why, most years, when the calendar turns to September, and we’re out of it, Kermit turns his attention north to his “backup” MLB team. The Twins seem to always find themselves right in the thick of things at the end of the year because of good baserunning, good defense, team speed, a productive farm system, and selling players when their value is high. All concepts that, for the most part, elude us. Oh, and stealing signs. Always the mark of a competitive team.
(HT: Luis) The Twins of course laughed off the accusations of sign-stealing. (HT: Morpheus) Really, what else would they do? Here’s my opinion of the whole thing. If Gerald Laird is too stupid to figure out a way to prevent Joe Mauer from stealing signs, then he shouldn’t be a Major League catcher. Moreover, if Justin Verlander thinks that Mauer is tipping pitches, well, that’s when you fire a warning shot across Jason Kubel’s nose. For the record, I think Mauer is tipping pitches, and I don’t blame him. It’s a goddamn pennant race. One time, I thought Ryan Theriot was tipping pitches at second base. Turns out, he just had a crayon jammed in the earhole of his helmet.
Anyhow, it’s time for the Roundup. Thanks, as always, for the great submissions.
- Oh, shut the fuck up, Dave Duncan. Look, it’s possible that sometimes other teams just beat even the MIGHTY CARDINALS. Seriously, though, Dave. Stick to just looking like Jon Voight. It’s what you’re best at.
- Even Carrie Muskat is at least half-aware that Sam Fuld sucks.
- Who says geeks and jocks can’t get along? As long as the geeks tell the jocks how to run the bases, it’s a perfect match. (HT: Pre)
- Mike Blowers is a soothsayer.
- I cannot stand all things Red Sox, but I have to admit, that this is awesome.
- Jim Rice is Hall-of-Fame-caliber dumb. (HT: Morpheus)
- Finally, a version of Moneyball for fat people.
- Are the high prices of nightmare fuel getting you down? Here you go.
- They failed to mention that the UPS man was wielding a chainsaw.
- Two robots, one cup.
- I know you dorks are fans of video games, so I have two recommendations. Stay the hell out of TDubbs’ way, and read this article about legendary game designer Tim Schafer’s job hunt from 20 years ago. (HT: Pre) Even those of you disinterested in games might enjoy his greatest cover letter ever.
- When life gives you lemons (or a shitload of rainwater), make beer.
- The porn industry is trying to reduce the spread of HIV. The penultimate one is the best. Yes, I know the word “penultimate.” No need to raise your eyebrows about it.
- I had to change my shorts just from looking at PICTURES of these platforms.
- It’s football season, meaning it’s about damn time you learned to cook a beer brat the right way. (Hint: You don’t just poke a hole in it with a pencil and pour High Life into it. Trust me.)
- Seven takes. Seven clips. All of them awesome.
- And if those seven don’t satiate your thirst for internet videos, how about a montage of the 100 greatest viral videos in a mere 4 minutes?
- William Safire’s finest speech was ruined by Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong not dying. Selfish jerks.
- The internet can be a dangerous place.
- You know, Florida, just because you look like a penis doesn’t mean you have to be filled with idiots. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
- I wonder if this guy will get off? (HT: Tom Trebelhorn)
- Walgreens knows that Cubs fans will take our mathematical elimination in stride.
- I take no responsibility for what you do with these instructions on how to create your own office weapons. Seriously, though, don’t you wish the lady in the cubicle next to you would shut up for five minutes?
- Great. Yet another seven reasons you’re worse than a dog. (HT: CT)
- Do you have any pictures of your mom running around the pool smoking a joint in a tiny bikini? No? You want some? Because that’s the basic theme of my new favorite site of the week, My Parents Were Awesome. Seriously, your mom is a hot, naughty minx.
Well, that’s your final Roundup of the 2009 season. It feels like only yesterday we were desperately trying to acquire Joey Gathright. So many memories.
-Sweet Uncle Lou