Hire Jim Essian

If you watched the press conference announcing the new Cub family ownership this afternoon, you might have noticed something a little strange about the Ricketts family. That something is that THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE. So, let's put two of them into the Fukudome. VS. Pete Ricketts Tom Ricketts ... Read More

Happy Halloween, guys and ghouls. Ha ha ha! Seriously though, ghouls, do us all a favor and dress like sluts tomorrow. There's nothing scarier than Mark McGwire's pockmarks, so I assume you've had your fill of terror for this week. But I hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween. Thanks, as always, for ... Read More

Congratulations to Tom Ricketts for finally getting control of the Cubs. In honor of his new Cub ownership, I have prepared a trailer for the program I expect him to institute prior to the 2010 season. So, without further ado... Coming soon to a theater near you... Lou Piniella is... THE MAN WHO SCREAMS AT GOATS ... Read More

I don't have too much interest in the World Series this year. The Phillies were just in it last year, and it feels like the Yankees are always in it, even when they aren't. But I will be tuning in to Game Two of the World Series tonight. Long time Yankee nemesis Pedro Martinez is taking the ... Read More

We live in an unstable world. Each day, we walk out our front doors not knowing what the day has in store for us. Will our car die on the way to work? We will make it to work without avoiding an accident? If we make it to work safely, will our job still be there? ... Read More

Just when I thought the St. Louis Cardinals couldn't stick anything else in their asses, they surprised me by bringing back amnesiac Mark McGwire as Albert Pujols' "vitamins" supplier the Cardinals' hitting coach. It would by hypocritical of me to say too much about McGwire's past, since Sammy Sosa was going needle-for-needle with him in 1998. Of course, ... Read More

Ooo! A late-night Friday Night Fukudome! Why? Because we're discussing the issues of hitting coaches who just so happened to be around when their pupils turned into roided-up freaks. CONTROVERSIAL! Put the kids to bed, then come back and satisfy your bloodlust as our two competitors fight to the death in the Fukudome. VS. Rudy Jaramillo Jeff Pentland ... Read More

It's looking pretty inevitable that the Yankees are going to be the American League representative in this year's World Series. That means it would be a Phillies-Yankees matchup. Could it be any more boring than that? We just saw Philly win the World Series, and I'm sick of Derek Jeter's face. An Angels-Dodgers matchup would have ... Read More

Yesterday, FORMER GENERAL MANAGER OF THE NEW YORK METS Steve Phillips was suspended for a week (HT: Ethan) from the Brett Favre fellatatorium ESPN because he went hogging with a bat-shit-criminally-insane cave troll. In Steve's defense, he's always had a thing for people built like mistress Brooke Hundley. The not-really-shocking-because-Phillips-apparently-fucks-everything-that-can't-crawl-away-fast-enough revelation yesterday got me thinking. "Is THAT all it ... Read More

What's all that buzz around Wrigley Field today? Why, that is the crowd of people gathering in anticipation of the announcement that the Cubs have hired Rudy Jaramillo to be their new scapegoat hitting coach. Rudy had been the hitting coach for the Texas Rangers since the time before Kurt Cobain found out what buckshot tasted like and ... Read More