After a loooooong hiatus, the Muskbox has finally returned to half-answer all of your dumbest questions about the Cubs! The Muskbox is one of the few things that keeps me going during the offseason, so here’s hoping that this is the first in a streak of many successful and hilarious fall and winter Muskboxes.
CARRIE: It’s been tough to fit the Inbox in lately, but it will be a regular feature this offseason. Send your questions to cubsinbox@gmail.com, and please include your name and hometown.
- Who has time to answer questions, when one is busy getting timely interviews with Shawon Dunston?
- Cubs.com seriously couldn’t have given Carrie her own e-mail address for the Muskbox? She’s using Gmail? Really?
What are the chances the Cubs could sign a top-tier leadoff man like Chone Figgins this offseason? It seems as though that’s the thing the Cubs have been missing these past years. Even though the controversy started surrounding Alfonso Soriano as the leadoff man, I’ve always thought that, being a dead fastball hitter, he’d do much better in the No. 2 spot with a speedster like Figgins on the bases in front of him. That would make the opposing pitcher throw more fastballs. I like the fact that Ryan Theriot has increased his patience at the plate, but his stolen-base percentage doesn’t seem to make him a particularly effective baserunner in the No. 1 spot.
– Todd W., Bloomington, Ind.
We grinned and beared the Brian Roberts offseason. We gritted our teeth and muscled through the Jake Peavy offseason. Cubs fans, prepare yourselves. Coming this winter….
“Chone? Chone? Where are you?”
…the fastest thing on two legs…
“Figgins breaks for second!”
…will be stealing bases…
“Figgins is the new Kenny Lofton!”
…and YOUR SOUL!
“Hendry already stole my soul when he traded Mark DeRosa.”
THE CHONE FIGGINS OFFSEASON
Coming to a blog near you this winter.
CARRIE: Lou Piniella has a wish list, and a leadoff man is No. 3.
- Inflatable tits.
- Rum dispenser in the dugout.
- Leadoff man.
- Aaron Miles’ head on a stick.
CARRIE: He’d like more speed, and the openings are at second base and center field. I liked Kosuke Fukudome in the No. 1 spot, but he’d have to cut down on the strikeouts. Theriot is an option, but I think he fits better in the No. 2 spot.
I agree. Theriot fits better in the number two spot…of the Cardinals.
CARRIE: Even though Soriano’s critics want him out of the top spot, he’s definitely not a No. 2 hitter because he strikes out so often.
I was going to write something snarky about Theriot striking out here, but instead I’ll just point out this depressing statistic. Do you know who leads the 2009 Cubs in plate appearances (656) and at-bats (586)?
Derrek Lee.
Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be awesome? In the “biz,” they call that “misdirection.” No, it’s Theriot. For the sake of comparison, here are the guys leading in plate appearances/at-bats on the probable playoff teams:
- Derek Jeter/Robinson Cano
- Dustin Pedroia
- Michael Cuddyer (fuck you, Detroit, where it’s Curtis Granderson)
- Chone Figgins
- Jimmy Rollins
- Albert Pujols
- Rafael Furcal
- Todd Helton/Clint Barmes
CARRIE: The Cubs did get to the postseason two straight years with him as the leadoff man, and batting first was a plus because he is a fastball hitter. To protect his legs and keep him healthy, Soriano will start next season further down in the lineup.
Or, just stick him where a free-swinging power guy is best-suited (5 or 6 in the lineup) and realize that, given time, his numbers in that position will most likely settle near his career averages (not accounting for decline due to age).
I read an article saying Mark DeRosa would be interested in coming back to the Cubs if they were interested in signing him. Do you think there is a chance we could see DeRo in Cubbie blue again next season?
– Joe E., Chicago
In the future, I am going to send a cyborg back through time to August, 2009 on a mission to hunt down and murder every “Joe E.” in the Chicago phone directory.
“Are you Joe E.?”
“Yes.”
BLAMMO!!!
CARRIE: As much as I’d like to have DeRosa back…
Or even BAREback, am I right, Carrie?
CARRIE:…his asking price may end up being too high for the Cubs.
Especially if Jim Hendry manages to drive up DeRosa’s price to the point where even Jim Hendry himself cannot sign him.
CARRIE: Other teams have realized how valuable he is.
Especially the Cardinals, for whom DeRosa has hit a very pedestrian .234/.301/.423. Or the Indians, who treasured DeRosa’s versatility as he committed 8 errors at third base and 1 at first base. But, hey, he has stubble.
CARRIE: The Cardinals were expected to pursue him, too. DeRosa will have surgery on his left wrist this offseason, so teams have to consider how much they want to gamble on that.
And Dave Kaplan will need surgery on his left wrist if they bring DeRosa back. Interpret that as you will.
Has the impending sale of the Cubs this year hampered Jim Hendry in putting a winning team together for the season?
– Sig B., Annapolis, Md.
Not at all. He’s been completely capable of not putting a winning team together for about 8 years now.
CARRIE: It’s hampered the Cubs as far as in-season moves.
I’m going to quibble here for a moment and defend Hendry from both sides of my mouth. The Cardinals could very easily end up winning between 92-95 games this year. Of the guys who were available at the trade deadline, I don’t believe that any single player could have pushed the 2009 Cubs to a 92-95 game winner. That would probably be a 7-9 game swing from one player in two months of baseball. Unless the player was Albert Pujols (and possibly not even then), it wasn’t going to happen this year.
Now, on the one hand, it is Hendry’s fault that the team wasn’t better put-together in the offseason. On the other hand, the additions that Hendry did make have worked out quite well. Assuming Rich Harden won’t be back, I’m rooting for Tom Gorzelanny to win the fifth spot in the rotation next year. John Grabow has been excellent for a team that started the year with Neal F. Cotts as its LOOGY. Hendry should absolutely be held responsible for failing to put together a more competitive team in the offseason. However, I’m actually pretty pleased with the mid-season trade he made with the Pirates, and I think the trade will pay dividends next year.
CARRIE: “The fact that the club has been up for sale, there are things we could do and not do,” Piniella said.
“Sorry, Alfonso. I can’t move you down in the lineup yet, because the club is for sale!”
“I’d love to bat Theriot 8th, but this damn sale is taking forever!”
“I understand, Carlos and Angel, that you’re both far better candidates for closer, but I can’t kick Gregg to the curb until this cursed sale is completed!”
“Sure, it’s possible that Jake Fox would be an adequate replacement at third base for the 50 games Aramis is going to be out, but how can I find that out with this sale going on?”
“I’d love to crack a window in the clubhouse after Dempster threw another stink bomb in the showers, but I can’t because of this sale!”
Shut up, Lou.
Do you think the Cubs will call up pitcher J.R. Mathes from Triple-A Iowa? He pitched well in the Minors.
– Joshua O., Puerto Rico
Yeah, they’d better get him up here to SAVE THE SEASON!
CARRIE: No, the Cubs have enough pitchers for the final stretch. Plus, calling up Minor Leaguers affects their service time down the road, which is one of the reasons the Cubs were hesitant to add Tyler Colvin to the big league roster.
Might as well get the kids up here so they can disappoint us, get booed, have their character assassinated by management, and get traded for peanuts sooner rather than later.
I know this is a stupid question…
Boy, have YOU come to the right place.
…but what is the meaning of “TB” in the box score?
– Barbara L., Melbourne, Fla.
Tuberculosis. Next question.
CARRIE: It stands for “Total Bases.” And, Barbara, there are no stupid questions.
Yes, there are. Fortunately, most of them are confined to this space.
