Hire Jim Essian

You know me. I can’t resist a good (or terrible) meme. Thanks, as always, for all the great links. The Roundup took forever because of all of them (which is a good thing). Keep ‘em coming. Lots to get to, so enjoy wasting the rest of your Friday with this week’s Roundup.

• In case you missed the absolutely amazing Richard Dreyfuss Seventh-Inning Stretch interview earlier this week, here is the transcript. Man goes in booth. Booth goes on air. Team’s on the air. Our team. Did anyone catch Dennis Miller during yesterday’s game? He asked Len and Bob why Mark O’Neal gave Dreyfuss the keys to the medicine cabinet. Outstanding.
• Mark Grace must have been hitting well when he…well…hit this. She may be used up, but she’s certainly not a slumpbuster. (HT: A-Ram Baller, Ned Ryerson, and HHR themselves)
• Bud Selig brilliantly takes the most obvious step ever by eliminating the stupid coinflip tiebreakers for the playoff teams. I think they should let us flip a coin to see if we get into the playoffs entirely. It would certainly be better odds than reality and Vegas are giving us.
• Have you missed Fire Joe Morgan as much as I have? Well, they took over for Deadspin for a day this week, and the results were amazing.
• Shockingly, there are Cubs on this list of 10 Overhyped Baseball Players Who Fizzled.
• If you love baseball and Venn diagrams, you’re a fucking nerd. But you’ll enjoy this. (HT: Pre)
• Cubs fans wasting time and money on a lame joke? You don’t say! (HT: level5)
• At least one guy wants to blow up the Cubs in absolutely hilarious fashion. One quick question. If you’re going to trade away Derrick Lee, shouldn’t you first acquire someone named Derrick Lee? (HT: Luis)
• Speaking of Cubs fans, does this guy look familiar? (HT: JerBear50 and Jeffrey)
• One reader, John, wants us to dump whoever they need to dump to get Disco Hayes. Why the name Disco? Because he throws in the 70s. Now THAT’S how you come up with a nickname. Much better than “C-Hay.”
• It’s looking like there is no postseason for us, but, hey. At least we’re still not the Mets. (HT: Pre)
• If Lenny Dykstra asks you to borrow $20, say no. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
• Alex, mastermind behind the redesign of HJE, sends along this new Cubs song created by his friend.
  
• Stupid rowdy teens during “God Bless America.” Sitting there doing…wait, what did they do wrong? (HT: Grow Stubs Grow, with a bonus HT for pointing out the name “James Wankmiller.” DON’T BUY BREAD FROM THAT GUY!)
• I hope I’m not ruining a Christmas surprise for Kermit. (HT: Mrs. Kermit)
• Speaking of Mrs. Kermit, Maddux is now officially in the Cutest Dog Competition. Go vote for her every day.
• Nice advice, Bob Brenly! (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
• Your most awkward moment on Facebook can’t be as awkward as these moments.
• The real mystery of The Da Vinci Code is that people actually like Dan Brown’s shitty writing.
• If you want to own a T-Rex and have the cloning technology, but don’t have the space, I have some good news for you.
• If you’ve been following the lawn chair war on Email from Crazy People (or even if you haven’t), go here and catch up. It might be ending soon.
• This week, the world lost the second-greatest actor of all time. RIP, Patrick Swayze.
• Congratulations to Derek Jeter for almost having as many hits as Harold Baines.
• Most of the funniest commercials are beer commercials, and this might be the funniest of the bunch. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
  
• Enjoy this 1951 trailer for Raiders of the Lost Ark. That’s right. 1951.
  
• Just think. Out there, there could be millions and millions of new species that will never have sex with you.
• The Muppet Show had some weird moments during its run.
• Either Notre Dame had a clerical error, or Charlie Weis was at this buffet. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
• Have you ever wanted to learn to crack a whip? Are you a silly woman who doesn’t understand “football”? Did you need help navigating to this page? Good news!
• Why the Fuck Do You Have a Kid? breaks out the nightmare fuel.
• I have so many questions about this video, but my first one is, “What are you doing later, Anita?”
  
• My new favorite site of the week is the SFW It’s a Cock! (HT: Better or Worse) Enjoy, weirdos.

Well, that’s it for me, folks. I hope it gets you through the rest of your Friday. I have Jack Daniel’s for that reason.

-Sweet Uncle Lou