No, not really. It’s just our old pal David Kaplan at it again! Russ Kelly pointed out Kaplan’s latest Cubs fix entitled, “The Cubs Need to Sign the #1 Free Agent This Winter.” Hey, give Kaplan some credit for the headline. There isn’t a single exclamation point in the entire thing. Sorry about the infrequency of posting lately. I’ve been sick and disgruntled, a bad combination for trying to write about this team. Fortunately, Kap often does the heavy lifting for me!

Fresh off of a great weekend in Las Vegas with my wife I am back to working the phones and looking at what the Cubs can or might do this winter to overhaul their very disappointing team.

What were you doing in Vegas? Giving Siegfried and Roy tanning tips?

That means every area of the team and the organization is under review with new ownership taking over after the World Series.

I don’t want to spoil the rest of the article for you, but be advised that this is the most well-written sentence in the entire piece.

There are some solid players available in free agency, but as a whole this year’s crop of free agents is not particularly strong. However, there is one bona-fide superstar available, and if you land him you land a second piece of your puzzle as a bonus.

Mark DeRosa? Bobby Abreu? Jim Essian?

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa’s contract expires after this season and there is speculation throughout Cardinal Nation that he may walk away from St. Louis and look for a new opportunity. What better move could new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts and his family make than to hire one of the greatest managers in baseball history to inject some life into his struggling baseball team?

Oh, I don’t know. Sign Cliff Lee and Jason Bay? Trade Alfonso Soriano for Albert Pujols? Sew Aaron Miles into a canvas bag and toss him into a quarry?

The best first move the Ricketts Family could make would be to hire Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa and pitching coach Dave Duncan for the Cubs. Both men will be free agents this off-season [sic]

That or make some effort to build up the Cubs’ farm system so their best hitting prospects aren’t all designated hitters.

And, if you hire LaRussa you will probably get the game’s best pitching coach in Dave Duncan who is very upset at how his son Chris was treated by the Cardinals and the St. Louis media before his recent trade to the Boston Red Sox.

Wait, I thought as part of your premise above, you were already hiring both of them. And if Dave Duncan is so upset about the treatment of his son, why did he used to drop him on his head when he’d sing, “When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall”? And why does he keep him chained in the basement of his abandoned restaurant? Just give him a fucking Baby Ruth, for God’s sake.

In a rare interview that he granted to St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Joe Strauss last week, Duncan talked about the decision he his [sic] facing this off season when he will have to decide whether or not he wants to return to the Cardinals.

An elusive Dave Duncan interview! However did Joe Strauss manage to coax Duncan out from under his bridge!? You know why interviews with pitching coaches are rare? Because no one gives a fuck what Larry Rothschild has to say.

He has been the pitching coach for LaRussa for the past 14 seasons and he plans on working next season whether it is with the Cardinals or not.

So, if you hear about any managerial openings at IHOP, Dave would really appreciate you passing that info along to him.

“I’m not ready to make that decision right now,” he said. “When I do, it will be a personal decision, not a professional one.”

Do you see now? DO YOU SEE WHY WE DON’T LIKE TALKING TO PITCHING COACHES!?

Let me tell you something.

“…Frankenberry is HANDS-DOWN the number one breakfast cereal which I have ever chosen to eat whether out of a bowl with milk or else dry straight out of my hands.”

After you read that article you have to believe that he is hurt, angry, and looking for the ultimate opportunity to stick it to Cardinals management which he believes has not given him the respect he deserves as the best pitching coach in the game.

Considering he’s currently employed by the Cardinals and probably wants his next paycheck to be signed, I HAVE TO BELIEVE that you might be reading into it just a bit.

What better place to find that opportunity than on the North Side of Chicago, where he would be greeted with a hero’s welcome? (Especially if he arrived riding shotgun to a new Cubs manager named Tony LaRussa.)

Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Florida, Atlanta, Colorado, and San Francisco.

Duncan might be the only chance that Carlos Zambrano has of ever developing into the superstar that his talent indicates he should be.

I bet that under Dave Duncan’s expert tutelage, someday Carlos Zambrano will throw a no-hitter.

Is Zambrano an ace or a wildly overrated primadonna that is holding the Cubs hostage with his long term, big money contract?

Ace. Next question.

Duncan would be the perfect person to look at Zambrano, highly talented but erratic closer Carlos Marmol, and free-agent-to-be Rich Harden.

One might also make the argument that the current pitching coaches in the Cubs system have done a pretty good job turning two catchers (Marmol and Randy Wells) into two of the top pitchers on the team. As for Harden, why would the Cubs hire a pitching coach to spend time with a guy who will be pitching in Philadelphia next season?

Should the Cubs re-sign Harden who has a 6.21 ERA in his 13 starts at Wrigley Field this season?

And a 1.80 ERA in 7 starts last year. You can argue against re-signing him due to durability and the size of any potential contract, but if Harden’s ERA at Wrigley is your reason for not re-signing him, you are even stupider than I thought.

Keep in mind that he has not pitched more than 7 innings in any game all season and in 1/3 of his starts he has failed to complete 6 innings. That puts a tremendous amount of pressure on your bullpen and on the next game’s starting pitcher who has to be an innings eater to compensate for Harden’s lack of durability.

Wait just a damn minute. This entire article is just a setup for your scheme to bring back Jason Marquis, isn’t it?

Duncan immediately makes your pitching staff better and he helps you figure out what your needs are BEFORE free agency and the Winter Meetings.

Yes, by some MAGICAL ELIXIR (read: steroids), Dave Duncan will immediately make the pitching staff better! The only thing that immediately makes a pitching staff better is ADDING BETTER PITCHERS. Considering the Cub pitching staff has the fifth-best ERA in the National League, are third in the league in strikeouts, and have the fourth-best WHIP, I don’t really see how pitching is that big of a problem, anyhow.

The key, though, is signing LaRussa who might relish a chance to help the Cubs overtake the Cardinals and to accomplish the ultimate dream of winning a World Series on the North Side of Chicago.

I don’t know how to break this to you, but playing football at West Canaan was YOUR- No, wait. I don’t know how to break this to you, but not everyone dreams of one day winning the World Series with the Cubs. In fact, some people dream of one day dying peacefully in their beds safe in the knowledge that the Chicago Cubs never won a World Series in their lifetime.

LaRussa would put more emphasis on accountability and fundamental play and the air of enabling that has gone on this season from Zambrano to Alfonso Soriano to Milton Bradley would never be tolerated.

Yeah, the Genius is SUCH a red-ass. Remember how hard he came down on Julian Tavarez for doctoring the ball with pine tar? Remember what a clean clubhouse he kept in Oakland? Remember when he sat down with Mark McGwire at the end of his career in St. Louis and talked to him about the negative bacne affects of steroid abuse on the body? He’ll turn the team around more quickly than a cloister of nuns!

If LaRussa does leave St. Louis for greener pastures their will no doubt be many pursuers offering him big money to fix their clubs.

I’m still a little fuzzy on how leaving the team with the best record in the National League and second-best record in all of baseball for a team with (1) its ownership situation in flux, (2) an inability to win a single playoff game in its last nine attempts, (3) a lack of organizational depth at pretty much any position, and (4) a window of opportunity that appears to be closing if it hasn’t already closed is leaving for “greener pastures.”

However, Tom Ricketts can offer not only money but input into player personnel and the chance to drive Cardinals management and their passionate fan base crazy by helping the Cubs to a championship.

Or. Ricketts is going to find himself saddled with debt after the purchase of the team and is going to do pretty much everything in his power to decrease expenditures and turn as much profit as possible in the early years of his ownership. I love how people think that Ricketts is going to ride into Wrigley in shining armor and “SAVE OUR CUBBIEZ!” The guy is a businessman, not an idiot.

What better lure to entice Tony with than getting in on the ground floor of the Cubs starting a new way to run a franchise and developing an organizational philosophy?

He doesn’t need to develop a philosophy. He already has one: Whenever two or more of you gather in a bathroom stall in my name with a needle, turn the other cheek.

Lou Piniella is a solid baseball man and he will be remembered as a wonderful manager in his career for a lot of years. But this season he has been forced to work with a bad chemistry mix, and he has also not had one of his better seasons as a field boss.

“HE DIDN’T LISTEN TO MY SUGGESTION TO START SAM FULD IN LEFT FIELD!!!”

His teams look uninspired, they have had multiple incidents that cannot be tolerated such as Carlos Zambrano’s repeated immature acts, Milton Bradley’s multiple incidents that have been a distraction for the team, and Piniella’s stubborn refusal to change his lineup.

Wait, Lou shouldn’t tolerate his own refusal to change his lineup?

LOU: Dammit, Lou, I can’t have you trotting out the same lineup every day! It’s just not getting the job done!
LOU: YOU’RE not getting the job done!
LOU: I’m trying to! I’m in here every day trying to motivate you to change the lineup!
LOU: To what!? These guys all blow!
LOU: You’re out of line, Piniella!

Lou stands up, picks up his chair, and flings it up against a wall.

LOU: THIS WHOLE TEAM IS OUT OF LINE!

Leaving Alfonso Soriano in the leadoff spot as long as he did was ridiculous. Continuing to run Kevin Gregg out there as his closer was a poor decision given Gregg’s propensity for the long ball which is often fatal for a closer.

Lou grabs his desk lamp and then leaps from HIS seat across his desk, tackling Lou to the floor. The two struggle for possession of the desk lamp, kicking over display cases filled with priceless baseball memorabilia. Lou wraps the cord of the desk lamp around Lou’s neck and tightens. Lou’s eyes bulge from their sockets as his legs kick in spastic rhythm. When he is still, Lou stands up. He walks to an oak bookcase. With a mighty heave, he topples it over atop the still-prone Lou.

LOU: I’m finished.

The Cubs have had some wonderful things happen for them under the direction of Lou Piniella but it appears as if he is resigned to the fate of his team which has been saddled with players that have underperformed and in some cases such as Milton Bradley have been a major distraction for the team off the field.

There will be a support group meeting on Thursday night at 8:00 p.m. in the basement of the rec department for survivors of that sentence.

If Tom Ricketts want [sic] to change the culture of his franchise he needs to let everyone in uniform know that it will no longer be business as usual because that plan hasn’t worked. He needs to shock everyone’s system and the first move he needs to make is to hire baseball’s best free agent, Tony LaRussa and his trusty sidekick Dave Duncan.

Batman and Robin are unavailable.

Together they would be a great start to fixing what ails the Chicago Cubs.

Because what’s wrong with the Cubs right now is that Ted Lilly isn’t batting 8th.