Do you know what today is? It’s a very special day. It’s the one-month pre-anniversary of the end of this godawful season. Was there any doubt that we’d get shut out by a rookie pitcher yesterday? Was there any doubt that Alfonso Soriano would whiff three times and make an error? I’ve seen bowling teams better assembled than this one. Did you realize we went 11-17 in August after going 18-9 in July? Roundup tips, as always, are appreciated and encouraged.

• Presenting, the most disappointing baseball team in Chicago. (SPOILER: There are some Cubs on it.)
• Fortunately for you fans, it shouldn’t be a disappointment, because you shouldn’t have had your hopes up.
• You think we’ve had injuries this year? Look at the Mets. Ha ha ha! Dicks. (HT: Pre)
• Why all of your “clever” animal metaphors are actually quite stupid.
• Ten secret foods to make you fatter than you already are.
• You nerds might appreciate the Argentinian news reporting that the most dangerous new drink for kids is the Scumm Bar’s recipe for grog.
• Level 5 did the math and figured out how long it’s going to take Kermit to finish the Top 79 Cub Killers of His Time (not including this week’s entry). Number one will be revealed on July 15, 2014!
• What are your top sci-fi movies of all time? Here are Wired’s.
• Speaking of sci-fi, check out this graph of recent sci-fi themes. Needs more “three-breasted hookers with hearts of gold” stories.
• How many Starting Lineup baseball figures do you recognize? I got seven.
• The love child of Ryan Dempster and Matt Murton gets busy. (HT: Clark)
• This seems like a bad luck. Someone send Aaron Miles up there. Quick!
• This dramatic reading of a break-up letter is an oldie, but a goodie.
• A world without Rambo is not a world worth saving.
• College football season started last night, which is good news for everyone but Notre Dame fans.
• In preparation for tomorrow’s schedule of big games, do your homework on why your favorite team’s opponents are douches.
• Pay attention, ladies.
• This is why old people should Twitter. (HT: Patrick)
• If you’re looking to impress your lady friend over Labor Day weekend, don’t buy one of these.
• Here’s a nifty little time-wasting game for you. (HT: Pre)
• The timeless wisdom of Larry David.
• Hey, look. It’s every YouTube video that has ever been forwarded to you.
  
• My new favorite site of the week is I Had to Post This. Oh, those crazy things that parents say (and the crazy, made-up things that people PRETEND they say).

Well, that’s it for me. I’m going to head up to my cabin for the nice, long Labor Day weekend. Whaddya mean, “I have to coach this weekend”?

-Sweet Uncle Lou