Hire Jim Essian

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. I’m going to staaaaaaaab this team in the eyyyyyyyyyeballs. And I smell like one, too. If I had one birthday wish, it would be that I would wake up tomorrow morning and realize this whole “managing the Cubs” thing was just a nightmare and that I was still in Tampa Bay. The tips were terrific this week, so thanks for that. Keep them coming.

• These 10 Signs Your Favorite Team is Falling Out of Playoff Contention are spot on.
• Getting hit in the head with a baseball is a real danger to everyone except Ryan Theriot.
• Some Jesus freak apparently JUST started pimping an “end the curse” website and merchandising scheme FOR THE 2009 SEASON. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow) I’m no God guy, but don’t religious folk consider curses dark powers or some crap?
• Dusty Baker’s reign of terror continues. (HT: Taka)
• Truisms are true. That’s why they’re called truisms.
• So, it turns out this lady is the biggest bitch in the world.
• Here is her runner-up. (HT: Jack)
• Reality television sucked UNTIL NOW.
• Give it to a k- Oh, wait. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow)
• Watching us play has been terrible this year, but at least we’re not the Mets. Or Chipper Jones. (HT: Linda) Or poor Jamie Moyer.
• Speaking of Jamie Moyer, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns September 17th. If you’re not watching it, you should be, and here is one reason why. (HT: Alex)
  
• What’s sadder? That a grown man spends his time randomly browsing Google Earth or that a grown man believes that he spotted the Loch Ness Monster while randomly browsing Google Earth?
• Does any of this sound familiar?
• Special effects have come a long way, baby.
• I’m assuming the guy in the Barney suit is dying laughing. (HT: Weebs)
  
• This is fascinating. Someone should write a best-selling novel and direct a blockbuster movie about it.
• Having already exhausted all potential spousal abuse scenarios, Lifetime goes a different route.
• I’m pretty sure the fifth guy in this series is Lurch.
• If the walls of a sorority house could talk, apparently it wouldn’t be stories of tickle fights and sexual experimentation. Dammit.
• Mash-ups are the montages of the 00s. I think.
• Apparently, both Aaron Heilman and Rich Harden were claimed this week. You want Heilman? I’ll flip you for him, but only if I get to choose and do the flipping.
• I really think if we ever decide to move Spring Training out of Mesa, we should choose Jackass Flats as the new spot.
• There’s more than one way to spice up a news story about bears. This is not one of those ways.
  
• If you’re not a dog person, you are a soulless bastard might think this is nuts, but I know a lot of people who would have done the exact same thing.
• If you’ve ever murdered someone and buried them in a peat bog, you might want to hire a good attorney.
• When is it safe to feed your Gremlin (with bonus Phoebe-Cates-in-a-red-bikini picture)?
• My new favorite site of the week is E-mails from Crazy People. (HT: Weebs) Many are good, but I enjoyed the hell out of this one (even if it is suspected that the 4Chan gang hacked this lady’s account (more inappropriate hilarity at the link).

Well, that’s it for me, kids. I’m baking a giant medium-sized cake that Aaron Miles is going to jump out of for my birthday. I didn’t read the directions, but I’m assuming you’re supposed to put him in it and THEN cook the cake, right?

-Sweet Uncle Lou