How could anyone not like you?Hey, Milton. What’s up, man? Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something. I know you have a really rough life, what with a busy travel schedule necessitated by the fact that you play baseball for a living. And I know it’s sometimes probably tough to figure out who your friends are when you have about $25M in the bank and are going to get paid about $50M by the time your contract with the Cubs runs out. And I know it’s probably exhausting living with so much anger that you hate your own goddamn name.

But, seriously, shut the fuck up.

I have defended you all season. I was at the game against the Twins when you tossed a live baseball into the stands because you can’t count to three. When the stadium erupted in a chorus of boos, I didn’t join them.

When people pointed out that you have only one more home run than Aramis Ramirez in nearly twice the games, I responded that you were still doing a great job at getting on base.

I know RBIs aren’t an individual statistic, but that doesn’t stop people from mentioning to me that Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot have more RBIs than you do. Even though they’ve played about half the number of games you have, Jake Fox is only one behind you, and Aramis Ramirez is ahead of you. Christ, Milton, MICAH HOFFPAUIR is only 10 RBIs behind you, and he hasn’t played since August 2nd. Also, he sucks. And, I didn’t want to bring this up, but people have been mentioning that the pitchers on the team have 21 RBIs, and you have 35.

Just based on your numbers as a Cub, do you know how hard it is to explain to some people that you’re a valuable player even when you’re NOT acting more sensitive than Larry Rothschild’s nipples after jogging out to talk Carlos Zambrano off the ledge on Tuesday.

So, you can see why it might make me a tad upset when, as your unofficial PR guy, you continue to insist that the world is against you and say things like this.

When I go home and look in the mirror, I like what I see. My family is there I have people I can talk to who are very supportive, in spite of everything and all the adversity and the hatred you face on a daily basis. But I’ll be all right. I always have.

Is one of those supportive people to whom you are talking a highly-qualified psychiatrist? Because if there’s one thing you are NOT, it’s “all right.”

You know what, Milton? Maybe all the waiters in Chicago who you claim hate you have a right to do so. I don’t know. Maybe it rubs those guys the wrong way that they’re working ten hours a day serving turkey wraps only to get home, pick up the paper, and read a comment like this from you:

All I’m saying is I pray the game is nine innings, so I can go out there the least amount of time possible and go home.

But maybe it’s not the waiters, after all. Clearly you don’t know what either waiters or misplaced modifiers are:

I’ve got to listen to the waiters badmouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant.

Grammatical missteps aside, surely he understands that personally attacking Cubs fans will do nothing but lead to MORE awkwardness between him and the fans in the bleachers, right? Especially in a colossally disappointing season due, in part, to Milton himself, right?

I regret that there are idiots in the world, that’s what I regret.

Me too, Milton. Me too. Defending you, Milton, has become about as appealing as chugging a Gatorade cooler full of ball sweat.

You’re on your own, you fucking crybaby.