You can’t make up the explanation for the return of the Muskbox.

More than a few Cubs fans in Southern California said they missed the Inbox, and so did several e-mailers, so it’s back.

Well, thanks a LOT, California. You already gave us USC, horrible earthquakes, The Hills, and a cyborg governor who took the first major step for the machines toward enslaving humanity. Now, you gave us the return of the Muskbox. Fuck you, California.

I think I speak for a lot of Cubs fans when I say that I’d like to see Fox in the lineup more often. With third base and left field pretty tied up, any chance we see Fox get any time at second base?
– Mike P., Indianapolis

I think I speak for a lot of Cubs fans when I say, “Anyone need two for tonight? I’ll give them to you for $10 under face.”

CARRIE: Fox’s fan base is growing, especially after his 4-for-4, two-RBI game on Sunday in the Cubs’ 3-1 win over the Dodgers. Fox says he’d play second. Of course, he’d do anything if it meant he was in the lineup. I’m not sure he has the range or dexterity to handle second.

Neither do Mike Fontenot and Aaron Miles, and those two are too busy on their quest to Mount Doom to even bother learning to hit. When has “being a shitty defender” ever stopped the Cubs from playing a guy?

CARRIE: Despite the career-high four-hit game, Fox may not be in Tuesday’s lineup.

Luckily for Fox, he was right in the middle of last night’s shit fest, following his 4-4 game with a nifty 0-4 performance.

CARRIE: Manager Lou Piniella said he plans on relying on the veterans for the stretch, so Fox may have to learn how to contribute off the bench. That’s been a difficult adjustment.

Good job getting that quote, Carrie. It’s getting more and more difficult to catch Lou between naps.

This might just be me, but whenever the Cubs start Hill, they always seem to win. Geovany Soto is not having a productive year and the Cubs seem to play better when Hill is in the lineup. Is there any way Piniella will start Hill more games down the stretch and potentially give Hill more starts than Soto in September?
– Michael K., Highland Park, Ill.

That’s a great idea. It will give Geovany more rest as he gears up for the playoffs.

CARRIE: The Cubs are 31-20 when Hill starts, and 31-40 when Soto is behind the plate. Piniella has said he’ll rotate the two, depending on the situation, but does seem to be leaning more toward Hill. Soto has had a disappointing sophomore season and was 5-for-36 (.139) in 12 games this month.

So, if Koyie started every single game, that would put the Cubs at a 98-64 record, and Koyie would only need all of his other appendages sewn back on at the end of the season. Incidentally, I like Koyie as a backup catcher, but MY GOD is he impotent at the plate.

With the way that Randy Wells is pitching, he has to be in the running for Rookie of the Year. Last year, Soto won the award, and I thought of an interesting question. When was the last time the Cubs had back-to-back winners of the Rookie of the Year Award? And which two players accomplished the feat?
– Derek A., Wichita, Kan.

“I have dispatched four of my fastest riders toward all four points of the compass carrying this question under my wax seal. If this message reaches you, please respond post-haste by carrier pigeon. If you are first to answer, my hand in marriage and a substantial dower await as your reward.”

You could have saved yourself a lifetime of misery and a huge tract of land, chump.

CARRIE: Billy Williams and Ken Hubbs won the National League Rookie of the Year Award in consecutive seasons, 1961 and ’62. One of the best stretches for an NL team was 1992-96, when the Dodgers dominated the ROY award (Eric Karros, Mike Piazza, Raul Mondesi, Hideo Nomo and Todd Hollandsworth). Other Cubs ROY winners include Jerome Walton in 1989 and Kerry Wood in 1998.

By this declaration, I hereby confer my jus primae noctis on all of my worst enemies.

How long can an injured player stay on a rehab assignment? David Patton has been on rehab for several weeks. Will the Cubs be able to keep him on a rehab assignment in the Minors until Sept. 1 when rosters expand or will they have to make a decision about keeping him or returning him to the team from which he was selected in the Rule 5 Draft?
– Paul B., Indianapolis

Are you- How should I put this? Are you seriously concerned about the well-being- No, that’s too harsh. Are you pining for the pasty- No, too personal. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT DAVID PATTON?

If I were honestly legitimately concerned about how long a player could stay on a rehab assignment, I would rather completely fabricate a player than mention Patton by name. In fact, if I were to utter his name just two more times, he would magically appear behind me and cleave me in twain.

CARRIE: Patton has been hurt (groin) and is now pitching at Triple-A Iowa. He’ll be back Sept. 1 for sure, if not before.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS, PEOPLE! THE SEASON IS SAVED ON SEPTEMBER 1ST! I like how Carrie adds, “…if not before.” Like getting Patton back into a Cub uniform is priority number one. I’m sure they have a team of doctors and a lone shaman covering him in leeches and electricity to get him back into the bullpen. His fiery hair is godlike to the religious.

After Pinella was ejected in the second inning, a friend asked me a hypothetical question that I didn’t know the answer to and have not been able to find anywhere online. If the Cubs had come back and won the game, would Lou have gotten the statistical win?
– Justin K., Brooklyn, N.Y.

The win? Yes. The loss? No. Whenever possible, they pin losses to Ron Santo. Seriously, though, are Cubs fans such stupidly doe-eyed optimists that he couldn’t have just phrased this question, “After Lou got ejected in the second inning, did he get the statistical loss?”

CARRIE: The game would count toward Piniella’s career won-loss stats. He’s the manager of record, whether he’s in the dugout or watching from the clubhouse after he’s tossed.

Or if he’s, say, listening to the broadcast on the radio on his way to the bar.

Now that the Cubs picked up two lefties (John Grabow and Gorzelanny) for the bullpen, any chance Sean Marshall will move to the rotation for a while?
– Clint E., Hartford City, Ind.

You know, as bad of a season as 2009 has been, I really like the addition of Gorzelanny. He’s actually been pretty solid as a starter all year, not just with the Cubs. And I could see him fitting into a rotation that-

Oh, fuck it. They picked up Dante from Clerks and Sloth from Goonies to replace their failed man/bear/pig hybrid. This is progress?

CARRIE: There won’t be a spot for either Marshall or Gorzelanny once Carlos Zambrano returns on Tuesday.

Sure there will be. Zambrano’s return to the rotation opens up at least one spot on his Forest Park softball team (go ahead and ignore the content of the article).

CARRIE: I don’t think Piniella would be against having three lefties in the bullpen, as long as they get guys out.

I’m okay with anyone in the bullpen who can hang his head in shame as well as Aaron Heilman did last night when he served up the grand slam to Elijah Dukes. He looked so miserable, that Charlie Brown actually had to come out immediately after that pitch to cheer him up. Looking at him was more depressing than every Amy Winehouse picture ever. His sad eyes reminded me that Aaron Miles will make more this year than I might in a lifetime.

Is it possible for the Cubs and Bears to make a trade? I think the Cubs should send Jeff Samardzija to the Bears for a player to be named later. The Bears need a legitimate No. 1 wide receiver, and I’m not sure what the Cubs need.
– Mike M., Frankfort, Ill.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Die.

CARRIE: Samardzija says he’s done with football, although I’ve seen him catching passes during the receivers’ early cardio workouts. Any suggestions on what the Bears should give up for Samardzija?

JAKE UTLER!!!