Hire Jim Essian

Are we having fun yet? Look, I know there’s time left, but those of you still shouting at those of us who are giving up on the season (if I’m not giving up, why would I ever start Samardzija?) should probably shut up now. The argument earlier in the year was that this team was “too good on paper” and was bound to “get hot.” I got news for you, folks. We’ve played pretty mediocre baseball all season. It’s pretty delusional to think it’s going to miraculously turn around in the last month and a half. Instead, let’s drink and read the Roundup. Thank you all for the great tips, which can be sent here.

• The Wrigley Field beer throwing-douche is still a douche, but at least he had the common sense to turn himself in before he was turned in.
• Speaking of the Wrigley Field bleachers, some truly brilliant conversations take place there.
• Hey, at least Cubs fans still aren’t as dumb as the Best Fans in Baseball.
• Or are they? (HT: RVL)
• Don’t click this link until it’s nearly time for lunch. Seriously.
• Or, if you’re already fat, maybe you should read this article, fatty.
• If the 8th-most and 7th-most ill-conceived product name of all time doesn’t make you laugh, you’re as dead inside as the 2009 season.
• Amazingly, there’s a Major League pitcher who is the grandson of Bozo the Clown, and it’s NOT Ryan Dempster.
• If you suck at parallel parking, maybe you should be as inventive as this guy.
• Congratulations, you’re a mystery of science! An annoying, foul-smelling mystery of science.
• As if this week hasn’t been bad enough, now we have to worry about ZOMBIE BABIES!? Sadly, the baby died soon after. Again.
• Jeff Passon is amazingly creepy-looking, but I found these 25 statistical facts you probably don’t know about the 2009 season interesting.
• Gentlemen, I’m an old man, and it’s quite possible that I may be losing my mind. But I can still offer sage advice from time to time. And one of those times is now. If you ever, EVER find a woman who can successfully handle the Shake Weight, marry her. I don’t care what she looks like. I don’t care how annoying she is. MARRY HER.
• An informative German video for Tony LaRussa’s benefit.
• I could have sworn the least interesting man in the world was Rothschild.
• How well do you know your baseball card brands? (HT: Ginger Russ)
• I clicked through, and none of you creeps are on this list of the world’s weirdest animals (though Irish Yeti came close).
• Some of these license plates are pretty clever.
• Once you’re done with the rest of the Roundup, this should help you make it to quitting time. I printed the list out for the Pirates series.
• Some classic movie plots are wrapped up almost immediately.
• Speaking of movie plots, is it possible to write a comedy movie with no jokes? Yes.
• Since you geeks are always getting beaten up, maybe you should watch these self-defense videos.
• Only in Florida would a guy busted for downloading pictures of underage pussy blame his- Well. His pussy.
• All you STATFAGS will be excited to learn of a new theory by a leading sabermetrician.
• I’m pretty sure that the author of this website is confusing the word “crappy” with the word “awesome.”
• How does your softcore porn get from Netflix to your DVD player and then back to Netflix? Like this.
• My new favorite site of the week is Snacks and Shit, mainly for this reason.
• Those rappers don’t have anything on this. (HT: Tom Trebelhorn)
  

Well, that’s it for me, folks. Enjoy the rest of the 2009 death march. I’m thinking we’ll probably sweep the Pirates and give you guys just enough hope that you keep watching through September.

-Sweet Uncle Lou