Your 2009 Cubs.Except for the fact that no one on the team got their foot caught in a bear trap, last night’s game was pretty close to the perfect summary of the 2009 season so far, wasn’t it? Not only was Rich Harden was perfect until the sixth inning, but he had looked brilliant in striking out six Phillies in his first five innings. Yet the first guy to reach first base against Harden scored when the first guy to get a hit homered.

The Cub offense, as is their modus operandi managed to put guys on first and second in the first and second innings and failed to score both times. They stranded runners on first and second again in the third, despite scoring two runs. By the end of the night, the offense would leave another 12 baserunners standing on the bags with their thumbs up their asses, and would only score 3 runs on 10 hits. The Phillies scored 4 runs on THREE GODDAMN HITS.

Yet the Cubs were still in a 2-2 game in the 8th inning when Lou Piniella inexplicably pulled Harden after only 87 pitches, and the 800-pound gorilla in the room entered the fray. When are people going to start getting pissed at Carlos Marmol? I know he’s the Golden Child. I know he’s the third-best catcher-turned-to-some-other-position player on the team. I know he was crucial to the team’s success in 2007 and 2008. But, seriously, fuck Carlos Marmol until he stops pitching like Rick Ankiel. And fuck Lou for babying Harden. And fuck Harden for having a reputation that makes people assume he needs to be babied. It’s August, assholes. It’s time for the pitchers to pitch.

The Phillies could have gone to the plate in the 8th inning with their dicks rather than their bats in hand, and they still would have taken the lead. After walking the mighty Carlos Ruiz, he of the .328 OBP and .369 SLG, Marmol (who has to EARN “Marlos” back) got Greg Dobbs and Jimmy Rollins to fly out to DEEP center. With two outs, he proceeded to drill Shane Victorino and walk Chase Utley to load the bases. He then threw everything but the rosin bag up there in his efforts to walk the difficult-to-walk Ryan Howard on four straight pitches. None of the pitches were particularly close, no matter what Marmol would have you believe about ball four.

Too late, Angel Guzman pitched a perfect inning in the 9th, and the Cubs managed to tie the game by the grace of HORRIBLE, CLUBHOUSE-CANCER, BABY-EATING Milton Bradley’s bat in the bottom of the inning. Poor, shocked Cubs fans were forced to actually CHEER for the monster.

As Cubs fans chewed their cuticles bloody, Kevin Gregg stunningly plowed right through Phillies sluggers Utley, Howard, and Raul Ibanez in the 11th. And here’s where this game got even more retarded. For some reason related to his mouthbreathing knee, Gregg can’t warm up, sit down, warm up again, and go into a game. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, but we all know that this is the case. So does Lou. So, what makes anyone (particularly Lou) think that Gregg can warm up, go into a game, pitch to three batters, sit on the bench for a half-inning while his team’s offense gets completely mystified by SCOTT FUCKING EYRE, and come back into the game? Lou had the faith in Gregg that no one else in the park did. Predictably, Gregg got lit up by Ben Francisco, the Phillies won the game, and SCOTT FUCKING EYRE got the win.

I can see why the reactionary nitwits have been acting like reactionary nitwits all season. This team is maddening, and I’m about ready to start planning the Mathematical Elimination Party. I am going to the game tonight. Jeff Samardzija is making his Major League debut against future Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez. Shoot me.