Of all the melodramatic reactionary stupidity that swept across the media over Kevin Gregg’s back-to-back blown saves on Saturday and Sunday (I’m looking at you, Marc Silverman, you couch-slapping, walking panic attack), David Kaplan’s reaction was, predictably, the worst. The worst thing to come of the weekend series loss to the Marlins was clearly the fact that it inspired Kap to write 1,234 exclamatory words in seemingly random order about the state of the team.

Many times when a baseball team struggles you hear the expression, “relax it’s early” or “it’s a marathon not a sprint” but after the all star break it is no longer early and with just 59 games remaining it is indeed a sprint.

Few times when a baseball team is playing 13-5 baseball since the All-Star Break (12-5 at the time of the article) would one actually use the word “struggling” to describe the team’s play.

This weekend was a lost one for the Chicago Cubs as they dropped two of three games to the Florida Marlins and could have very easily been swept. They also could have won two of three just as easily if their bullpen didn’t put up a couple of horrific performances.

Or they could have won all three! Or, they could have won two, and had a rainout! Or maybe split two and had a rainout! It is, Florida, you know, and they get an awful lot of rain down there. They should put a retractable roof over that new park, because then they wouldn’t have so many rainouts! Florida is a weird state. Did you know sometimes alligators EAT DOGS down there!? But, back to the thing about the stupid Cubs bullpen, I think- OH, LOOK! A BIRD!

Friday evening the Cubs received a solid start from Rich Harden only to see the bullpen implode in the 8th inning with Carlos Marmol starting the inning off by walking the first two hitters and then hitting a man. He nearly escaped any damage by getting the next two men before giving up a game winning single. Sean Marshall then entered and allowed a double to Wes Helms that plated two more and the Cubs lost 5-2.

I actually watched that game and understood what happened in the 8th inning. Then, I read this paragraph, shit myself, and blacked out. Upon waking, I had entirely forgotten the 8th inning, my wife’s name, and my social security number.

Incidentally, to the people who are clamoring for Rich Harden to be the closer: Just stop it right now.

Then Saturday night the Cubs had to go to the pen early due to a back injury to Carlos Zambrano who lasted just three innings but departed with a 6-0 lead. The Cubs then stopped scoring after the 2nd inning while the Marlins chipped away and eventually drew within a run at 6-5 entering the ninth inning. The Cubs added two more to take an 8-5 lead into the bottom of the ninth but closer Kevin Gregg couldn’t hold the lead and Florida tied it with two outs. A D-Lee HR to left in the 10th won it for the Cubs but a look at the numbers from the evening are a little disconcerting. The Cubs walked 9 batters, struck out 14 times, and stranded 14 base runners. Those are not the numbers a team with post season aspirations should have. It can happen once in a while but the Cubs offense has been too hot and cold all season long.

What can happen once in a while? They can strand runners? They can strike out? They can walk guys? Kevin Gregg can blow a save? They can win an extra-inning game? Derrek Lee can hit a home run?

Then on Sunday the Cubs suffered one of their worst losses of the season.

Oh, shut up. That wasn’t even the worst loss of the season AGAINST THE MARLINS. Remember this doozy?

The Cubs were leading the Marlins 2-0 in the top of the 7th at Wrigley when Jorge Cantu led off the inning with a solo home run to cut the lead in half. In the top of the 8th, Carlos Marmol threw a ball somewhere into the bleachers on a Cameron Maybin bunt, allowing the tying run to score.

With the game tied 2-2 in the top of the 10th, Heilman managed to allow 6 runs (5 earned) without recording an out. Remember? Lovable dipshit Ryan Theriot couldn’t catch a routine throw from Derrek Lee for a force out at second base, allowing the go-ahead run to score? That was his second error of the night, by the way. GRITTY! Heilman slammed the door by allowing a single, walk, and double to the last three hitters he faced.

Then Koyie Hill, Aaron Miles, and Geovany Soto promptly went down 1-2-3 in the bottom of the inning. Actually, I’m going to suggest any loss in which Aaron Miles had an at-bat and Aaron Heilman had an appearance was a worse loss than Sunday’s.

They had a 1-0 lead in the 7th when Aaron Heilman who sends Cubs fans scurrying for the Maalox every time he pitches gave up a game tying home run to dead center field in a huge park to pitch in, to Cody Ross.

Whale of a sentence, Kap. Keep up the good work.

Jake Fox gave the Cubs the lead back in the top of the 9th and then Gregg came in to close it down again.

Once again he couldn’t get the job done as he surrendered back to back home runs to Dan Uggla (who’s moon shot to left may be orbiting the earth by now) and then the 2nd of the game to Ross whose blast won the game. Here is my problem with Sunday’s loss. Why was Gregg even in the game? He threw 38 pitches on Saturday night and looked awful.

Probably because he is the Cubs’ closer and is responsible for attempting to close down games in save situations. Before you ask, Kap, here you go:

Save opportunities. When a pitcher 1) enters the game with a lead of three or fewer runs and pitches at least one inning, 2) enters the game with the potential tying run on base, at bat, or on deck, or 3) pitches three or more innings with a lead and is credited with a save by the official scorer

If this team has hopes of going to the playoffs and contending once they get there I do not believe they can keep Gregg as their closer. He is not an overpowering pitcher and he has a penchant for the long ball that is often fatal because when he pitches the game is almost always on the line. He has surrendered 10 HR’s in the closer’s role which is the most in baseball by any closer in the Top 15 in saves by a wide margin.

Gregg is also IN the top 15 in the MLB in saves, which is pretty much the definition of “average.” In fact, Gregg is only one save behind fat Bobby Jenks, who, by the way, also recently blew saves on consecutive days. Moreover, Gregg is tied for Kerry Wood, the guy about whom Kaplan wrote his Who I Want to Be When I Grow Up essay, in blown saves. And Gregg has had more save opportunities. If we’re going to start bitching about the bullpen, it needs to start with Aaron Heilman. He is LEADING THE LEAGUE in blown saves with 6, and he’s not even a goddamn closer. Compare those 6 blown saves with his 1 save and 8 holds. Heilman has been third-degree terrible.

I have long thought that Carlos Marmol is the future closer of the Cubs but his lack of control cannot be trusted in such a high pressure situation as the ninth inning. So what should the Cubs do? Many of you have e-mailed me saying that the Cubs should have traded for a closer at the trade deadline.

Chuck, will you PLEASE stop e-mailing him under different accounts? You’re making him think he’s reaching the people.

That simply was not going to happen for a couple of reasons. One, there were no closers traded at the deadline. Two, the Cubs could not take on a large contract with their ownership situation still unsettled.

Three, they already have a closer who has done a decent, if unspectacular job. Unless you’re a delusional nitwit, “decent, if unspectacular” is exactly what you should have expected when the Cubs acquired Gregg. He is on pace for about 33 saves this year. In his last two seasons as the Marlins’ closer, he had 32 and 29 saves. The problem is that Gregg’s home run rate is way up. Therefore, the runs he surrenders and the saves he blows are usually in spectacular, pants-shitting fashion. This causes the brilliant Cub fan base to grab their torches and pitchforks every time Gregg gives up a run or (God forbid!) coughs up a lead.

So who do I give the job to?

No one. You are not in a position to give the job to anyone.

I would give Angel Guzman an opportunity to win the job.

He had that opportunity. In 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009.

He has electric stuff and a look at his recent performances shows an ability to get the job done without walking a lot of batters. Since returning from the DL on July 7th Guzman has made 13 appearances and he has allowed just 3 runs. He has 36 strikeouts in 45 innings this season and he seems to thrive on pitching in high pressure situations.

“Since returning from the DL…” And therein lies the rub. Everyone’s biggest concern about converting Kerry Wood from starter to closer was whether or not Wood was going to be able to take the ball three or four times in a row. Frankly, it was a small miracle that Wood was as healthy as he was last year. Why take the same chance with Guzman, the only reliable pitcher in the bullpen other than SeanBearPig? Speaking of which, where is the “Sean Marshall for closer” contingent? Out of the bullpen this year, Marshall is holding batters to a .176 BA, .291 OBP, ridiculous .257 SLG, and .547 OPS. That opponents’ OPS is actually 60 points lower than Guzman’s. If he gets guys out, who gives a shit if your closer throws hard?

I believe that the Cubs have to start to look at who is performing when it comes to making out the lineup card. Instead of just automatically playing the guys making the big money give the players who are performing more chances to play. Can someone honestly tell me that Jake Fox doesn’t deserve to be in the lineup almost everyday?

Yes. Alfonso Soriano, Milton Bradley, Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee, and Koyie Hill can all honestly say that. Because those are the only positions where you can even TRY to hide Fox’s horrendous defense. Alfonso and Milton are both hitting very well right now, Aramis and Derrek have been terrific pretty much all year, and Koyie has done an outstanding job with the pitching staff. Obviously, Koyie is a huge step down from Fox at the plate, but what he lacks in offensive numbers, he makes up for by saving the pitching the staff the exhaustion of having to cover home every third pitch while the ball rolls around by the backstop.

Moreover, remember when some people last year were saying, “Can someone honestly tell me that Mike Fontenot/Micah Hoffpauir doesn’t deserve to be in the lineup almost everyday?” How did it turn out when those guys got some more at-bats against Major League pitching?

On a team starved for consistent offense here is a guy who just shows up and plays hard everyday and delivers big time offensive production. Many times his big hits come in key situations and drive in big runs that help the team win.

“CLUTCH,” “KEY,” AND “BIG HITS” ARE NOT MEANINGFUL FUCKING STATISTICS.

Do you realize that Jake Fox has played in 44 LESS games than Milton Bradley and he has more RBI’s, the same number of HR’s, and he is hitting 50 points higher? Compare Fox to Kosuke Fukudome and you will find a guy hitting 38 points higher with more HR’s and just 8 less RBI’s in 51 LESS games. Fox just plays hard wherever you put him. His bat needs to be in the lineup. Give him the opportunities to play and see if he can indeed hit in the big leagues on a regular basis.

Okay, now I see where Kap is going with this, and it makes perfect sense. Fox should lead off and play center field, right field, AND left field, because then you have THREE hard-playing, hard-living chubby guys manning all of the outfield positions.

Since Kap is incapable of any sort of rational thought, at the bottom of this shit heap is as good a place to mention this as any. Since Lou figured out that Fukudome would be better suited to lead off and Soriano should be a middle-of-the-order guy, they have done the following:

Fukudome: .333/.447/.551, good for a .998 OPS
Soriano: .329/.389/.573, good for a .962 OPS

To be fair, I think Soriano just got hot and likely would have put up a similar line in the leadoff spot. But it sure is nice that he heated up once Lou moved him down. It shut up all the, “He can’t hit anywhere but leadoff!” bleaters. Be advised, Soriano will go into slumps in the 6th spot, too. Streaky hitters go on streaks. Weird, I know.

The Cubs have to be in the “earn it” business not the “my salary means I should play” business. Kevin Gregg has not earned the closer’s job.

Except for the part when put up a 0.00 ERA in 10.1 innings pitched to beat out Carlos Marmol for the closer’s job in Spring Training.

He was simply given the opportunity to try to keep it and he has not proven to be worthy of holding such an important position on a team with championship hopes. There are 59 games left in the regular season and the Cubs need to ask themselves this question on EVERY decision that they are faced with the rest of the way: Does the person that we are playing give us the best possible chance to win the game that we are playing.

Question mark?

Period, end of story.

Oh.

I love how Kap acts like this WILD “playing your best players” strategy is some sort of revelation. He acts as if Lou doesn’t struggle every day, poring over matchups, splits, trends, defensive capabilities, health status, and weather conditions to put the best lineup together. Lou’s livelihood is based on his ability to field a winning team. His entire life has been spent around the game of baseball. I think he has it covered.

But, hey, I’ll pass Kap’s turd of advice on to Lou the next time I see him. “Hey, Lou? Have you ever considered putting all your good guys on the field instead of all your bad ones? I think it would give you the best possible chance to win. Period. End of story. Why are you swinging your fist around in a windmill like th-?”

I really don’t care to hear about lefty/righty matchups as much as we do.

It’s official. He’s schizophrenic.

That stuff is vastly overrated in most situations. Both home runs that Kevin Gregg surrendered in the 9th inning yesterday were to right handed hitters.

Those “vastly overrated” splits would have told you that righties are slugging .533 against Gregg in 2009, while lefties are only slugging .310. Righties have hit 8 home runs off him this year, while lefties have hit only 2. So, those “vastly overrated” splits would have predicted that a right-handed batter was far more likely to hit a home run off Gregg than a left-handed batter. But, you’re right. It’s far more fun to pull shit out of your mentally retarded brain.

The home run that Aaron Heilman gave up to tie the game in the 7th inning was also to a right handed hitter.

Sigh.

Split           G  PA  AB  R  H 2B 3B HR SB CS BB SO SO/BB   BA  OBP  SLG  OPS TB GDP HBP SH SF IBB BAbip tOPS+ sOPS+
vs RHB as RH   48 136 114 29 31  5  1  5  0  0 13 28  2.15 .272 .346 .465 .811 53   3   1  6  2   1  .313   106   124
vs LHB as RH   42  92  73  9 17  2  2  1  0  0 18 15  0.83 .233 .380 .356 .737 26   1   0  0  1   2  .276    90    93

In addition, if the game is close and the Cubs are leading in the 9th please put someone in for Alfonso Soriano defensively.

SOMEONE LIKE JAKE FOX!!!

I know that he has been hitting better as of late but if you have the lead in the 9th you need to have your best defenders on the field to give yourself the best chance to win. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings or having a player feel disrespected. When you make 18 million dollars a year that paycheck should be all the respect that you need.

So, how much is YOUR paycheck, Kap, that you have absolutely ZERO self-respect?

Just play the players that have earned the right to be in the lineup. Nothing more and nothing less.

Coming soon! Baseball for People Who Get Tutored by Idiots, by David Kaplan.