Well, gang, it’s been yet another great week of comments. I don’t know if you guys are trying to win an award or if it’s just happenstance, but you have REALLY stepped up your game. I’m standing at the top step of the dugout applauding you all right now. I was awful tempted to choose Denton’s comment in which he wished the Super Beetus would destroy all of us. But instead I decided to go with the comedy stylings of Bad News Cubs.

Bad News Cubs has his own website chock-full of homophobic hatred, hilariously flawed analysis of the team, and delusions of his own popularity in the blogosphere. He also apparently thinks his writing gets proportionally more interesting and entertaining with each instance of the word “faggot.” Not content to ruin his own corner of the internet, he came wandering over here like a coked-up Archie Bunker after Mike D. linked his disastrous site in an article. He started off with a bang:

Come to my site and talk shit, you worthless fucking faggot. You stupid bitch.

I’m pretty sure some of the rapscallions from HJE have, in fact, done JUST THAT. However, you were too stupid to realize you were being mocked.

What the fuck is all this Steve Stone shit from you faggots? What the fuck do you care so much? Steve Stone is a brilliant analyst and he really knows baseball. Do you really fucking care about the �gossip� side of things? Of course you do, you�re like an adolescent little girl.

Once Stone stops gossiping and starts analyzing, I’ll let you know!

And who the fuck cares which game was more impressive? They�re both really fucking impressive in different ways. Only idiot sports fans who were never good athletes obsess over garbage like this.

All of us idiot sports fans, and also every major sports network which has ever put out a “Top Ten Anythings of All-Time” list. So, pretty much everyone who has ever discussed sports.

And what the fuck is �Hire Jim Essian�, a fucking Armenian Cubs contingency? Go hire Andy fucking Dick you imbecile. Don�t link to my fucking site until you get up the balls to admit that �Bad News Cubs� is hands down the greatest Cubs blog in existence and that you read every word I write. I couldn�t get past the first fucking paragraph of your bullshit. So fucking boring.

Since Steve Stone wasn’t even mentioned until the seventeenth paragraph of Mike D.’s article, I have a hard time believing that. Freud might have something to say about your bizarre choice of terrible comedian Andy Dick. Not only is he bisexual, but a euphemism for the male phallus is right there in his name! Dost thou protest too much, Bad News Cubs? I think thou dost!

I swear, you faggots are like soap opera fans who hated Alexis on Dynasty. You seriously spend time thinking about Steve Stone. Honestly.

You FAGGOTS are so gay, I bet you don’t even know who Alexis from Dynasty is! Hell, I bet you’ve never even jerked off to the image of a tanned Blake Carrington taking all of Dex Dexter’s manhood into his mouth. You HOMOS!

But why would Bad News Cubs stop with just that one stellar debut of a comment? He still had nuggets of comedy genius to hurl at us from the depths of his underground bunker under the protective layer of his tin foil hat!

(Sigh), as always, the threads that I�m a part of are always the best. It gets proven over and over again that not only am I the best insight into Cubs baseball on the net, but I�m also the most entertaining. Most comments of any thread on this site�s front page.

Of all the ten posts on the front page, it’s true! The one containing your brilliant prose had the most comments! It also currently has 30 more comments than the biggest thread (Oops! Sorry about the link!) on the front page of your site, but who’s counting? Just because 10 of those 26 comments were by you yourself, 3 of those comments were written by HJE readers in jest, and the remaining 13 comments were written by 3 other people, I’m sure it’s your amazing personality and cunning wit that attracts such a large following!

First, Mike D, don�t split hairs like such a fucking faggot. It�s bad enough that you open with a run-on sentence/question, but now I�m supposed to view it as a fucking paragraph. Great.

I’ll tell you what else FAGGOTS split! Butt cheeks! And checks with Dave Kaplan!

Here, I read two paragraphs and stopped once I realized the subject was 20K�s vs. Perfect Game. Does that soothe your precious little ego? None of this changes the fact that I don�t read your shit blog and you read every word of mine like every other Cubs fan online. I only ever came here once when some faggot named Fag Kermit was reporting an exchange with Jim Hendry. Everyone at every blog was linking to it otherwise I wouldn�t have known. His reporting was fine as he happened to be there. His opinions were idiotic.

I think I’ve already proven that you read no fewer than 17 paragraphs, but no matter. Also, I wish Fag Kermit (I’m TOTALLY stealing that, by the way!) knew the difference between reporting factual information and writing an editorial commentary. I also wish he’d keep his horribly idiotic opinions like, “Wood is a badass” out of his writing. What a queer!

Next, who the fuck is smarting over my not going by Mike here? Idiot. I don�t presume anyone here to know me as �Mike�. And if someone�s going to trash my blog in a link, I�m going to state my blog�s name proudly.

You should start a Pride Parade!

And what the fuck is this �Milton Bradley has ZERO wins� shit? I haven�t made any comments since my first one last night. God, I�m always getting fucking impersonated. Flattery. Mike Dildo could use the IP addresses and recognize that I�ve made no other comments until now.

Everyone knows that FAG Kermit can’t trust Mike DILDO (amazing!) with access to any IP addresses! Mike DILDO will probably just print them out, roll them up, and ram them up his ass, while FAG Kermit jerks off in his hair!

But, it brings up a bigger issue. You idiot statfags lump every non-statfag into the same person. Stat snobs. Little girls:

�Duh, he probably thinks Theriot�s good because he�s small and white! Duh � huh� he probably thinks he�s scrappy. Duh� he probably thinks Bradley sucks because he�s racist� duh � he probably thinks Soriano�s lazy� duh, he probably thinks Z sucks� duh duh��

Ooo, I love the theater! I assume we are playing the part of the speaker of the above quote, and that we’re saying this to you. Does that mean you like the one white player and hate the three far-more-talented minorities? Homophobic AND racist so far! I sure hope Sam Fuld watches his back!

I�m generally really positive about the team. I don�t think I�ve dissed a single player this year. I believe Soriano�s not leadoff material and that he�s not worth $17 Million, but I don�t act like he�s a shit player. He�s valuable, so�s Bradley. Z�s the shit.

Well, now the method acting we did above makes absolutely NO sense.

I�m actually most pleased with something Lou said about the biggest Cubs problem, Heilman. He said he was happy to see those solo shots given up the other night as opposed to walks. I agree. Relievers need to throw strikes. Make the other team beat you. If you�re not confident to throw strikes, you won�t be successful.

I’d give you Heilman’s percentage of strikes thrown on the season, but that might be too faggy, and I don’t want you to try to mount me.

And what are these social attacks about �no friends� through the internet? Let me tell you this. I probably spend the least amount of time on this shit as any of you people. I write my shit in two seconds. I guarantee there�s a converse relationship between online friends and real world friends. But anyway, I have my best friend, my girlfriend, some other close friends, and some acquaintances. I wouldn�t want anything beyond that. People with �loads of friends� don�t have any real ones. I don�t want a lot of friends. No one can be a good friend to a lot of friends.

That sounds exactly like something a loser with no friends might say. Tell me. If it takes you only two seconds to write shit on your own blog, how long does it take you to write 1000-word comments on MY blog?

Next, this is not an advertisement. I couldn�t give a fuck less if none of you people ever visited my blog. But, for the people who think I�m a homophobe, I�m tired of the issue. I�m so fucking sick of PC straight white guys acting like moral police all over the fucking place. So, read THIS. It�s my super gay ass blog post.

This is not an advertisement. I don’t want any of you FAGS coming to read my blog, anyhow. However, I demand that all of you come to read my blog post right now, in which I use the old, “I don’t hate gay people! I have gay friends!” defense. I also encourage gay men to flirt with me and list my top ten hottest baseball players. Seriously.

It amazes me how many people out there can quote my schtick all the fucking time. It just proves who�s the most influential blogger by a long shot. One guy does a whole comment of impersonation. One guy does �takes your mom nine months to take a shit�. �Quasi Papal�. On and on it goes. Oog, aka Goy Wonder, probably has my whole fucking site memorized by now.

It’s true! We quote your shtick all the time around here! You are truly the Anchorman of Cubs bloggers! Scotch scotch scotch! Hilarious!

Aren�t you people ashamed at your lack of originality? God, if nothing else on this planet, don�t be boring. You people are a terrible bore and this is the last good thread I�ll provide for you.

Except, I’ll wager, this one.

You don�t know baseball for shit, you follow baseball gossip like little bitches, you pretend you�re moral authorities, and you�re hopelessly boring. You stupid fucking faggots.

Plus, your throbbing, veiny cocks barely even fit into my mouth!

And also, lighten the fuck up. No one has more fun blogging than I do.

I agree with him on this point, guys. Can we try to keep it a little lighter in here? I really think everyone is taking themselves WAY too seriously.

Fags.