Hire Jim Essian

Kermit told me to hits-whore in this week’s Roundup, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do, you tentacle-porn-loving perverts. Asian vagina. Anyhow, sorry I missed the Roundup last week. I was busy fisting the keyboard cat in Tehran. The good news is that you get a lot more Lou to go around this Friday, and even less work done. As always, tips are loved and appreciated.

• I’m shocked to learn that Drew Peterson’s third dead wife didn’t just die of old age. Shouldn’t there be some sort of online PayPal donation fund set up for hiring someone to shank that piece of shit?
• How many of the no-hitters pitched from 2001 to the present can you name? I bet even you idiots can get at least one (and the quiz was written prior to yesterday, so fuck the Sox).
• This version of the National Anthem would be pretty badass if it was played on a violin/fiddle. How do you like it when it’s played on a Louisville Slugger? (HT: Daniel)
  
• Are you one of those people who never goes to the wedding ceremony, but drinks yourself stupid at the open bar at the reception? Well, you’re lucky these people aren’t your friends, because you missed one hell of a show.
• If you’re anything like me, you’re fascinated by the deep seas. Nah, I’m just screwing with you. Nothing fascinates me about the sea except for Quade’s dolphin-like appearance. But if you ARE fascinated by the deep seas, you should read this.
• Fun With Yahoo Answers asks what it takes to be in the NBA.
• You’re all idiots for playing Mafia Wars, and here’s why (P.S. I need Illegal Transactions Records, so add me).
• BCB gets overlooked for yet another award.
• Oh, differences between men and women. Will you ever get old?
• As frustrating as this season has been so far, it could be worse. You could be on Jupiter. Of course, if you were, you wouldn’t even know about the comet or meteor or whatever hit it, as you’d be falling to your death through layers of noxious gas, eventually being either crushed into putty by the gravity, poisoned by the atmosphere, or burned to death by the heat. Or possibly experiencing all of the above, if you’re lucky. I’m just saying, you’re better off watching the Cubs this summer. Probably.
• Josh Brolin grows a beard and teaches a wolf pup to howl.
• My favorite new site this week chronicles the story of a landlord from hell. Make sure you page all the way to the end and read from the bottom up.
• I lied. That’s my second-favorite new site of the week. Straight Cash Homey is my favorite. (HT: Connor)
• Which sort of angry internet commenter are YOU? I’m pointing at my monitor right now.
• Here is the story of the tragic London Beer Flood of 1814. I have a fondness in my heart for the guy who died of alcohol poisoning in his efforts to “stem the tide by drinking as much beer as he humanly could.”
• Carlos Lee makes some friends as Derek Jeter makes a routine play.
• I know I’ve already linked the #5 hilarious work safety video on this list, but the other four are worth watching. And the first one is worth watching again. Plus, the Ghost of Warden Norton GETS HIS in #3.
• The creeping unknown is coming to devour us all. DOOOOOOOM!!!
• Evan Yarbrough’s pop culture art is creepy and awesome.
• Do NOT read the whole of this article by The Commish. Seriously. DO NOT. Just read the headline and the first paragraph. Who the hell pulls a quote from a bad, 12-year-old movie just to use a common phrase that is IN THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE? The Commish, that’s who.
• Speaking of movies, here are 100 movies you’re supposed to see to make you a man. Forget your testicles, just watch these movies.
• Spontaneous human combustion. It doesn’t just happen to me and Milton.
• You missed your first chance to purchase the ECTO-1, but maybe it’ll get relisted.
• Worth1000 makes Star Wars all painty.
• Albert Pujols has a Little Beaver.
• Swearing not only pisses off umps, but it also mitigates pain.
• But apparently swearing at umps doesn’t do me any good. (HT: level5)
• Craigslist tries to end all internet arguments.
• Son of Feeney dives into the dark mind of Michael Bay.
• Gavin took a pretty cool panoramic shot of Wrigley Field.
• How well do you know Milhouse (I’m looking at YOU, Thrillho)?
• Why the hell didn’t ChuckDickens tell me he had his own site? And why wasn’t I informed that the 2009 NL All-GRIT Team was out? (HT: Mike D.)

That’s it for me, funslayers. I’m off to match wits against your favorite Cub manager to ever give 609 plate appearances to Neifi Perez.

-Sweet Uncle Lou