What is it about the Cubs that inspires their fans to make themselves a bigger spectacle than the team itself? Whether they’re coming up with stupid slogans, sucking dick for crack in full Cubs uniform, charging the bullpen, or asking the team to mend their broken hearts, some of them steadfastly refuse to just be a normal fan. Some of these dopes have to thrust their fanhood in your face. If I hear one more Cubs fan at Wrigley Field loudly insist to his section that he’s “the biggest Cubs fan in the world,” I’m going to yank his too-small ringer t-shirt over his head and beat him with his aviator sunglasses. Is it me, or do the Cubs have an inordinate number of these assholes who attempt to link themselves personally to the team? Well, whatever that inordinate number was, add one more.

Meet Daniel Kamen.





Daniel is a chiropractor, meaning he finished dead last in his class in medical school. Daniel has also come up with the very dumbest display of fan loyalty which I have ever seen. Since the All-Star break, this dolt has limited himself to a 500-calorie-a-day diet until the Cubs put together a five-game winning streak. Or until the season ends. Whichever comes first and is more convenient for the alleged Cubs fan (Nice hat! In a few more weeks, it’ll actually look like someone has worn it before!).

That’s right. There’s a Cubs fan out there who actually thinks we give a fuck about his DIET. Thanks a lot, Sun-Times.

From the article, with my apologies for the oldness:

If you’re at the Taste of Chicago Friday, and you see a guy cramming slabs of deep dish pizza into his mouth like there’s no tomorrow, stay out of his way.

Thank God for this advice. Normally, when I see a strange old man shoving food down his gob, I run up to him and say, “Hey, there, stranger! Any room in there for my cock?” Now, I’ll wisely avoid him and just pay Ronnie Woo-Woo’s asking price.

It may well be Daniel Kamen, a Buffalo Grove chiropractor who is vowing to go on a 500-calorie-a-day diet until his beloved Cubs put together a five-game winning streak — something that has eluded them so far this season.

One might say that a five-game winning streak has eluded the Cubs like dignity, pride, and self-respect have eluded Daniel Kamen.

But Kamen, 53, isn’t starting his diet until after the All-Star break in mid-July, and he tends to devour pizza until he’s ready to throw up.

I’m ready right now, Daniel. I’m ready right now.

Kamen, a Cubs fan from age 6, says he’s hoping to shame the Cubs into playing consistently good baseball.

Oh, a Cubs fan from age six? Well, that changes EVERYTHING. Let’s all listen to what Daniel Kamen, the greatest of all Cubs fans, has to say about his eating habits and the suffocating disappointment that his life has become.

“I’m going to motivate them,” he said. “I’m going to embarrass them into winning more games.”

Someone is embarrassed, all right. But it’s not the Cubs, and it’s amazingly not Daniel Kamen. It’s me, once again, for being a Cubs fan.

“They will see me get skinnier and skinnier, until maybe there’s nothing left of me.”

Please win four in a row and then lose one for the entire rest of the season. Please.

Kamen isn’t going to kill himself for the Cubs.

Okay, what’s it going to take?

He aims to shed the 30 pounds he doesn’t need and stick to his diet either until the Cubs win five in a row or the season ends.

Or until the business dies down at his practice, no one interviews him about his retarded fast, and he is as forgotten as Mend My Hearthole.

Noting Cubs manager Lou Piniella’s ample girth, Kamen said he hopes Sweet Lou will join him on his quest.

LOU: “Ample girth”? Who wrote this!? I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!

KERMIT: I got this one, Lou. Go ahead and take the night off.

“It’s an official invitation,” Kamen said. “I’ll show him how to do it.”

I’m sure it’s really complicated. Does it involve adding up the calories you eat in a day and, when you get to the number 500, you stop? How nice of Daniel, though, to offer to meet Lou Piniella personally and give him dietary advice.

This is what Piniella can look forward to each day: a delicious cup of fat-free yogurt, a single egg, and for dinner, some popcorn with a light sprinkling of brewer’s yeast. Mmmm.

He can look forward to that, AND to going to Wrigley Field 81 times a year knowing that about half the crowd in the stands should be wearing helmets, mittens, and water wings.

You know what annoys me the most about these flash-in-the-pan bullshit Cubs fans? The fact that this guy has received more mainstream media coverage for going on a fucking diet and inexplicably linking it to the Cubs than Dolan has for diligently blogging about the Cubs since before anyone knew what the hell a blog was. Yes, the mainstream media is part of the problem, but the bigger part of the problem is that idiots like this just can’t help but make THEMSELVES the story.

And, yes, I understand the irony of ME writing about him, but the saying, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” is bullshit, especially when the public is rooting for you to starve.