I told Dolan the other day that, considering how he acts now, I was always sort of proud that I never really cared for Steve Stone. I didn’t really have anything against him. I just didn’t think he was as big a genius as he or anyone else thought he was. After he left the Cubs, his descent from tolerable to bitter as hell was swift. There is no greater evidence than that of his Twitter. What’s that? You can’t see his page. Oh, right. That’s because you need APPROVAL to read his Tweets. Stone spews nothing but platinum-crusted gold, 140 characters at a time. You should be so lucky to read about his obsessions: his dog Larry, Milton Bradley, Mark DeRosa, and Jason Marquis being the most obvious. And don’t think it would be a Steve Stone Twitter page without some excellent jokes about paying for lunch! If you don’t want to bother sitting through the requisite 72-hour waiting period, I’ve taken the “best” of the best of Stoney’s Tweets and shared them below.

Has anyone noticed Mark DeRosa has 32 runs batted in and Milton Bradley has 13?
3:32 PM May 27th from web

If I were trying my hand at Tweeting, and I was aware that I had a 140-character limit to my Tweets, the first thing I would probably do would be to try to figure out a simple way to abbreviate “runs batted in.”

Has anyone noticed that Jason Marquis has twice as many wins as both Ryan Dempster and Carlos Zambrano?
3:32 PM May 27th from web

Has anyone noticed that wins are a very flawed statistic for evaluating a pitcher’s worth? Has anyone noticed that Jason Marquis ALWAYS has a solid first half followed by a completely terrible second half? Has anyone noticed that a former Cy Young pitcher should probably know these things?

DIdn’e he used to be a Cub?
3:32 PM May 27th from web

I’m sorry. We were looking for, “Has anyone noticed whether or not he used to be a Cub?”

My dog Larry has as much control over Zambrano as does the Cubs’ Larry.
3:37 PM May 27th from web

And similar control over his bowels.

Milton Bradley is on a pace to drive in 42 runs with his 14 through the first 2 months but I have confidence.
3:05 PM Jun 2nd from web

TO HONOR JACKIE ROBINSON, JERK!

The Cubs continue to try to get Milton Bradley in a game
9:11 AM Jun 8th from web

I don’t understand this Steve Stone Tweet at all. Is it a board game joke? Is he suggesting that Lou can’t spell Milton’s name when he’s filling out the lineup card? Did Steve just rent He Got Game?

Lunch with wgns david kaplan aka americas guest. Looks like i pay again.
12:23 PM Jun 10th from txt

With the constant flow of “pick up the check” jokes that spew from Stone’s mouth, I have to assume that either (1) Steve Stone is the most generous man in the world; (2) every single one of his acquaintances is destitute; or (3) Stone is a real dick to his friends. Thanks, Steve. You just made me defend David Kaplan.

Ernie banks at harry carays. Tells me the cubs year. Also the sun will rise in the east and the north will win the civil war.
1:54 PM Jun 10th from txt

Did you buy him a bottle of wine, you cheapskate?

Derosa hitting 274 with 10 hr 42 rbi. Ibanez hitting 322 with 21 hr 58 rbi. Dunn has 17 hr and 44 rbi. Bradley has 5 hr and 14 rbi. Just …
10:49 AM Jun 12th from txt

Just what, Steve? WHAT!? I’d like to assume at the end of this Tweet, Milton caved in Stone’s skull with a bat.

For milton bradley-baserunning blunder cost 1 out ball lost in sun-incompetence-throw ball in stands with 1 out…priceless
8:37 AM Jun 13th from txt

People who don’t realize that spoofing the Mastercard commercials wasn’t even funny twelve years ago when they were brand-new…PRICELESS.

Minnesota came into wrigley as one of the worst road teams in baseball at 9 wins and 20 losses. Twins have 2 wins in two games.
5:14 PM Jun 13th from txt

Do you see how he was able to slam his two least-favorite teams in 140 characters or less? Take notes, bitter people around the world. THAT’S how you do it.

Gerald perry has been fired by the cubs. Hendry still looking for a scape goat. Could david kaplan be next.
12:01 PM Jun 14th from txt

I sure hope not! Because then Steve will be picking up the check EVERY time!

Went to harry carays with comcasts david kaplan. Hes springing for water and butter.
9:19 PM Jun 15th from txt

Tanning butter, I assume.

Its the crosstown showdown tonight with pride on the line. The teams are under achieving but the cubs are doing it more expensively..
11:02 AM Jun 16th from txt

Not on the Cubs’ payroll: Stone, Steve.

Updated steve stone.com today check it out. Rain in the forcast so we could be in for a long night. I wonder if zambrano is a mudder.
12:55 PM Jun 16th from txt

A mudder fucker who’s totally out of control, AMIRIGHT, Steve? Also, do check out Steve’s site if you enjoy smarm. His bio is outstanding, and you can even contact him for public speaking (presumably so long as you pick up the check).

Rain in the offing at wrigley field. Sox are red hot and cubs smell like my dog larry which is not real good.
12:41 PM Jun 18th from txt

Maybe you should- oh, I don’t know- bathe him.

Its off to cinci to face bustbuster bakers reds. For those of you who have eaten cinci chile your probably still heaving.
5:41 PM Jun 18th from txt

Interesting. I could have sworn Stone blamed everyone BUT Dusty for the 2003 and 2004 collapses, but I could be wrong. Also, what the hell is wrong with Skyline Chili? Not kosher enough for you, Steve?

We come home 5-3 on this road trip in 3 NL cities. Things going pretty well but detroit fails to lose. Cubs clubbing the indians. Go woody.
3:26 PM Jun 21st from txt

Wait, he hates the Cubs, but he also hates Kerry Wood. I don’t know how to interpret this, unless he’s watching Toy Story.

Cubs ramirez getting ready-my guess is after the allstar break. Ramirez has 16 rbi in 18 games. Bradley has 16 in 2 and half months-nice job
10:08 AM Jun 23rd from txt

10:08 AM, eh? I assume Stone’s morning checklist reads something like this:

  • Wake up to the smooth sounds of Mully and Hanley.
  • Stare at self fully nude in full-length mirror.
  • Shower. Blow-dry and tease hair as mercilessly as I used to tease Chip.
  • Prank call Kerry Wood; ask how his used car lot is treating him.
  • Figure out way to trade Donny Veal into my pants.
  • Insult Milton Bradley.

Sox win a thriller-pardon my michael jackson words.cubs have lost 4 straight on the road. Geo soto tested positive for marij, 30 lbs heavier
9:31 PM Jun 25th from txt

Good job using the character-saving “marij” as opposed to the totally-incomprehensible “weed” or “pot.”

After the marijiuana revelations about geo soto he will be featured in j.d. Salangers sequel-catcher in the pie.
9:50 AM Jun 26th from txt

9:50 AM. I hate to break this to you, but Stone texted this gem to Twitter while he was standing fully nude in front of a full-length mirror.

Cubs win first of three. Soriano misses ball in the sun and steps on blanco. Almost cost cubs the game. Fates intervened.
7:11 PM Jun 26th from txt

Fates, Zeus, Harry Potter, or just the scoreboard.

Bradley says he feels isolated on the cubs-no real bonds nobody to vent to-in between eruptions mt. Vesuvius is peaceful-then boom. Lol milt
8:54 AM Jun 27th from txt

YOUR TEARS OF LONELINESS AND ISOLATION ARE SWEET NECTAR WHICH STEVE STONE DRINKS FROM HOLLOWED-OUT PUPPY SKULLS!

Cubs miss out on derosa who joins albert pujols in st. Louis. Cards had need and got some. Cubs needed lefty rbi guy-pass abreau-dunn-ibanez
11:13 PM Jun 27th from txt

I don’t care how good Pujols and DeRosa are. The Cardinals should really consider filling out those last 23 slots on their roster.

Its the complete cub experience-zambrano comes unglued-bradley hits like stevie wonder-soriano loses ball in sun-cubs shutout 6-0.
5:41 PM Jun 28th from txt

And Stone makes a douchey comment, so now it’s the complete Cubs experience circa 2004.

Sox win as do the cubs. Bradley drove in a run and then made quacking hand signs at pirate fans. 17 rbi near july. Big run producer my butt.
9:51 PM Jun 29th from txt

Please get hot, Milton. For the love of God, if only to shut him up, PLEASE get hot.

Jim hendry made countless mistakes this offseason-look at brewers Casey McGehee. 5 hr-21 rbi- 336 ba. Cubs lost him on waivers for 50,000.
8:41 AM Jun 30th from txt

How DARE Jim Hendry not predict that Aramis Ramirez would miss 50 games of the season, and that the no-hit, bad-glove, 26-year-old third baseman would put up numbers almost as good as…Jake Fox’s!?

Jason marquis is 10-5 leading NL in wins. Cubs spent 5.3 mil to trade him. Zambrano and dempster cost 30.75m combined. Their win total-8
1:43 PM Jul 1st from txt

TRANSLATION: “I don’t really understand how baseball works.”

This is completely unbaseball related. I just met the cleveland cavs newest addition–big SHAQ. He is a very guy with hands like lobsters.
2:45 PM Jul 1st from txt

Oh, Lobster Hands, you’re so very GUY!

For those cub fans that do not know a lot about sam fuld, i saw him tear apart the arizona fall league. Hendry liked felix pie. Nice choice
9:33 AM Jul 2nd from txt

Didn’t he choose Fuld OVER Pie? Isn’t Pie on the Orioles now? And isn’t Fuld still in the system? You’re a weird dude, Steve.

Cubs just traded for rockies utility man jeff baker. Insurance for ramirez. The lost casey McGehee on waivers to brewers. How would he look.
12:35 PM Jul 2nd from txt

Fat, bald, and not as good as Jake Fox.

The white sox are on a 6 game winning streak. The cubs won vs brewers. As of this moment 4 teams in the NL central have 38 losses. Parity.
6:13 PM Jul 3rd from txt

The AL Central, on the other hand, is a total powerhouse. At the time of that Tweet, EVERY SINGLE TEAM IN THE AL CENTRAL had at least 38 losses except for the Tigers, who had 35. The Sox had 38, the Twins had 40, the Royals had 46, and the Indians had 49. At that time, the Cubs, Cardinals, and Brewers all had 38 losses. The Reds had 39. Houston had 40. The Pirates had 43. Maybe look at some stats, you smarmy prick.

The sox conclude their 7 game trip with KC. Sox 5-1 with one to play. Casey McGehee was 4-5 with 5 rbi. Bradley trails him in every category
10:02 AM Jul 5th from txt

Except for number of obsessed Tweets written by Steve Stone. Bradley is crushing him in that statistic.

Jason marquis pithed 8 strong scoreless innings as the rockies shutout the nats 1-0. The cubs paid 5.3ml to trade him. His 11 wins lead NL.
10:42 PM Jul 6th from txt

But look out, Milton. Marquis is making a run at this thing.

Tony LaRussa has dropped his lawsuit against twitter. I can now criticize cards. I cant do it because they spent 77ml on team. Cubs 135ml.
9:04 AM Jul 8th from txt

So, you can or you can’t criticize the Cardinals? It’s easier to express yourself in 140 characters or less when you’re not mentally retarded.

Here is todays trivia question. What pitcher leads the major leagues in wins. Matt cain-no, tim lincecum-no, halliday-no,its jason marquis.
9:19 AM Jul 8th from txt

Is this because Marquis and Stone go to temple together?

Milton bradley is benched for the first of the 4 game cardinal series. I wonder if he will take it as well as soriano the other day.
1:22 PM Jul 10th from txt

Let’s just hope he can take it as well as Stone took Kent Mercker’s criticism during the 2004 season. Or at least as well as he took Chip’s dong that year.

Jim hendrys choice bradley 6hr 20rbi 238ba–dunn 23hr 62rbi 269ba–abreu 308ba 57rbi 17sb–ibanez 22hr 60rbi 312ba. All lefty rbi guys.nice
10:15 AM Jul 12th from txt

Bradley is a switch hitter. But let’s not let facts cloud our Bradleyhate.

Stone was smug and arrogant when he was with the Cubs. It’s gotten far worse since his departure. Hey, Steve? No one thinks you’d be a good GM. No one thinks it’s amazing when you “predict” a slider low and away on an 0-2 count. I hope you rot in baseball hell with Hawk for the rest of your bitter career.