Hire Jim Essian

Hello, kids! I’m all giddy today, because I’m getting ready for our three-game sweep of the Cardinals, now that they lost THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER TO ANY TEAM IN MLB HISTORY. I hope you guys have picked a different Cardinals player to standing ovate this weekend. If you haven’t, may I suggest Todd Wellemeyer? He “played the game the right way” and had a longer Cub tenure than DeRosa did.

You guys sent in some GREAT tips this week, so thank you. There are a couple that I’m hanging onto for next week, so please keep the tips coming.

• The 20 best Cubs transactions since 1990. Notably missing: promoting Jim Essian. Idiots. Anyhow, I have issues with the order of several of them, but the list is pretty solid.
• Can you think of any great baseball rituals other than these top ten?
• Attention, new owner of the Cubs (whoever you end up being). HIRE THIS MAN.
• If you aren’t already horrendously sick of the Cajun Connection, they’re going to host This Week in Baseball tomorrow on Fox, home of such must-see television as Osbournes Reloaded and Secret Millionaire.
• Speaking of quality television, how many of the 26 “Must-See TV” shows can you name in five minutes? I only got 11.
• Was Babe Ruth really calling his shot? A new report suggests that he was not.
• Is there any greater comeuppance than what’s happening to Lenny Dykstra?
• Is Dusty Baker’s lineup construction killing the Reds? Let’s hope so.
• At the risk of angering Chuck to Chuck, I have to allow Mental Floss to explain why Wayne Messmer belts out “…home of the BREAVE!” before many of our games.
• Your steroid update for the week: Roger Clemens and Rafael Palmeiro are still delusional fuckheads.
• Is there trouble brewing in paradise? Get it? BREWing? (HT: Oliver)
• Pre sent in this quiz on the rules of baseball. Take it and see just how stupid our fan base is.
• What’s more fun than laughing at the Mets? Probably nothing. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
• Does your wife keep telling you that you don’t have room for a ping-pong table in the dining room? Well, tell her to shut her stupid face.
• How the turtle got its shell, and other made-up tales about this imaginary “turtle” animal.
• Everything you need to know about what happens to your soft-core porn when you return it to Netflix.
• Here are the crazy and heartbreaking stories of the people who made it off the Lost island by themselves.
• Cracked has seven classic Star Wars characters who are bigger shitheads than George Lucas himself.
• The marketers of beer are all lying to you. For one thing, women don’t want to sleep with you. Here are things two, three, and four.
• Speaking of sleeping with women, apparently your sperm travels faster toward attractive women. Specifically, their hair, chests, and faces.
• There’s only one way to make D-Day funny. Recreate it on a modern beach by yourself. WARNING! There are a couple of French boobies on display. Quit being such uptight Americans and enjoy them for what they are.
• Here are most likely the 15 creepiest ads you’ll ever see. Vintage or not.
• Justin Upton learns about bats.
• Since I know you guys still watch cartoons on Saturdays, here are some great moments of classic music meeting classic cartoons.
• There are some great one-sentence stories at this site. Some are funny, and some will touch you like Michael Jackson.
• Just looking at pictures of the Sears Tower Ledge makes my bowels cold.
• Are you looking to rob a bank in a leotard by knocking all of the cards out with purple smoke and carrying away the money in bags marked with dollar signs? Well, I have just the site for you.
• In these tough economic times, there is only one thing for Americans to do. Fuck with our bill collectors. (HT: Tom Trebelhorn)
• What do you get for the Chad who has everything? Get him Ript. Fuck you, society.
• The next time you’re invited to a wine-and-cheese party, don’t tell anyone, you sissy. Also, bring a keg.
• This guy might want to lower his standards just a little bit. (HT: J-Kerm)
• Some lady with giant cans has a gravestone that’s too sexy. Awesome.
• Would you pay more attention to the safety video on your airline if it looked something like this?
• If Wrigley ever gets a Jumbotron, I demand a Fuck-Cam (HT: Andy Dolan).
• Apparently, I went to the most boring schools ever. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
• My favorite new blog of the week comes from a tip from RV. Unnecessary “quotes.” Outstanding.

Well, that’s it for me, kids. Word on the street is that there might be a new little Friday feature premiering this afternoon, so hold your breath until then.

-Sweet Uncle Lou