Hire Jim Essian

Originally, the title of this Roundup was going to be something about Geovany Soto having the munchies. But then Soto was upstaged by the death of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. So, instead, it’s time for a tribute song. As always, tips, hints, and suggestions for the Roundup are welcome.

Beat Us, sung to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”

We all assumed that this would be the Cubs’ year.
The bullpen kind of sucks, the hitting’s disappeared.
But the Central’s really bad, so we’re hanging round here.
So beat us. Just beat us.

We cannot run, We cannot catch a fly ball.
Our middle infield’s only four feet tall.
Our team is as tough as we were just last fall.
So beat us, because we are so bad.

Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Beat us like we are your penus!
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us!
Just beat us! Beat us!
Just beat us! Beat us!
Just beat us! Beat us!

Our Rule Five draft pick is an albino man.
He’s one hundred shades lighter than David Kaplan.
Our starting center fielder should move back to Japan.
So beat us. Just beat us.

Coach Lou Piniella doesn’t yell anymore.
I wish he’d just pop off and call an ump a whore.
We suck, but yet you watch us,
Even though we’re a bore.
So beat us, because we are so bad.

Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Micah talks like such a Cletus.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.

Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
That’s the way you like to treat us.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!

Beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Tell your friends, so they can Tweet us.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.

Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Santo has the diabeetus.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.

Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Miles is an aborted fetus.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us!
Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!

• Can you believe it’s been 25 years since the Sandberg Game? Can you believe anyone was so awesome as to have a game named after him? Did that game win him the 1984 NL MVP award? (HT: Luis)
• Some guy has declared us the biggest whiners in baseball using such well-informed arguments as the fact that I allow “Carlos Zambrano to dictate what color jersey he wears, because he is “comfortable” in the alternate blue uniforms.” Have at him.
• Twitter is changing the way we see sports…and our own conception of what is or is not totally pointless.
• Have you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes at the ballpark? I don’t know about any of that other stuff, but I feel for the poor bathroom attendants.
• Bud Selig is seriously going to wait until someone dies to address the bat-shattering around the league. Hey, it worked for his steroid policy.
• Apparently, the Moneyball script is actually pretty good. I haven’t read it yet, but here is the whole thing for your enjoyment. (HT: Andy Dolan)
• My favorite new site of the week is Flip Flop Flyball. They do visual and graphical representations of baseball-related topics, like this height comparison of the Green Monster to other well-known landmarks.
• Why exactly IS the suspended Manny Ramirez allowed to have a rehab stint?
• It’ll be easier to figure out this batting order than any of Dusty Baker’s.
• How badly would you feel if you wrote a song that was later used to torture terrorists? No, this isn’t a hypothetical. I’m seriously asking you, members of Nickelback.
• More evidence of why dogs are better than humans.
• How much do you love your company softball team?
• The truth is right about here:
  
• If you don’t consider aliens a threat to your existence, how do you feel about sentient robots?
• Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t love Pat Fitzgerald?
• Some math dorks demonstrate why you were late for work today.
• How well do you know tiny slices of popular literature?
• Seven man-made substances that laugh in the face of physics. Sinatro’s shit surprisingly did not make the list.
• Some great movie voiceovers with no mention of Fight Club? I am Jack’s engorged disappointment.
• Huey, if you’re so hard up for money, you could have just asked for help.
• Looking for a fun vacation? Suggest this and scare the shit out of your significant other.
• Have you ever wondered how they get the numbers on the credit card I stole out of your wallet? Wonder no more.
• Part two of the Spinal Tap quiz.
• Firefox has a new application that will make it easier for you to lose your internet fights.
• David Patton’s problems in song form.

Well, that’s it for me. I hope I made your Friday less productive than it normally is. Maybe I distracted you so much that you won’t even have time to watch the tickle fight that’s going to happen on the South Side this afternoon. Have a good weekend, jerks.

-Sweet Uncle Lou