Hire Jim Essian

Laugh it up, assholes. Just because I pass on grass doesn’t mean you dorks aren’t still dorks. There are lots of good things in this Roundup thanks, in part, to your tips. But mostly in part to me. Seriously, thanks for all the great tips. Keep them coming. Almost all of them were things I hadn’t seen. If you want me to use your screen name when you send a tip, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll just use your first name. Let’s get at it.

• Thank God the Crosstown “Classic” one-third of the way done. Everyone knows that it doesn’t matter which team wins or loses. All that matters is which team has less stupid fans and more hot fans.
• Speaking of interleague baseball, BYCTOM needs a better acronym, but they don’t need any help with presenting the history of interleague baseball.
• Is Jim Hendry up to the GM task?
• I don’t know if anyone under sixty years old was listening Dave Kaplan last night, but if you were, you would have heard him “scoop” the story that the Illinois state police are going to use cameras to give tickets in freeway and tollway construction zones. The first offense is $375, and the second is $1,000 and a 90-day suspension of your license. That would have been extremely useful information. In 2005. Okay, I promise we’re done making fun of Kaplan for a while.
• Did Mark Prior break our ability to draft? (HT: level5)
• Milton Bradley is a trendsetter.
• Kermit has long advocated having Ron Santo just do the Stretch, but this is even better.
• How do different pitchers approach a “waste” pitch? That’s WASTE PITCH, not PITCH WASTED.
• How well do you know your TV sports theme songs? Considering you all can probably sing the entire theme to Family Ties, you’d better get 100% on this one.
• I’ve watched this bat trick video three times and still can’t tell if it’s fake or not. (HT: Daniel)
• Mel Hall signs a 22-year deal with Texas. No, that clever headline was not mine. (HT: St. Patrick for the link and the headline)
• An umpire ejects an entire crowd. (HT: Daniel)
• I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t drink anything that had been sitting less than an inch under my ass in the hot sun all day.
• Have you ever wondered how to use a lighter to open a bottle of suds? Wonder no more.
• Remember those Holiday Inn commercials with the slacker? Here they are.
• Finally, someone had the idea to compile all of Rothschild’s old tests.
• And all of my emails.
• How well do you know your Spinal Tap?
• I had no idea that Saved by the Bell was so deep.
• Here’s your weekly dose of nightmare fuel.
• I know how much you nerds like comic books and boners, so here are some of the best pairings of both.
• Have you ever wanted to see Muppets (other than Kermit) get horribly mutilated?
• This is the funniest Text From Last Night I’ve read.
• I know I for one have been waiting for a long time for Weird Al to mock Craigslist.
• Thanks to Discover.com, you no longer have to beat off to a clothed Mona Lisa. (NSFW, I guess)
• Here are, apparently, the nine greatest movies made by geeks, for geeks, based on stuff other geeks wrote.
• Here’s a built-in excuse you can use on the ladies when they ask why you’re so pale.
• This might be my favorite low-budget horror title ever.
• Ten movies you either loved or hated in the last decade. God damn, Crash sucked.
• If you only read one thing from the Roundup this week, make it this mind-torture experiment that Seanbaby performed on some Sims.

Okay, kids. I need to get my raincoat on. Not because of the rain. Because Mark DeRosa is in town, and there are a shitload of women in the stands. Also, David Kaplan. Okay, THAT’S the last time we’ll make fun of him for a while. This time, I mean it.

-Sweet Uncle Lou