There are times when my mind wanders to the question, “What is Kyle Farnsworth doing right now?” Usually, I assume the answer is, “Pouring itching powder into David DeJesus’ jock and giving Mike Aviles a swirly.” But I would have been wrong yesterday. Because yesterday, Farnsworth was getting eaten by his own dogs.

Farnsworth was always good for a laugh, which is why there has to be more to the story than this:

“My dogs got in a fight this morning and I just tried to break it up and they bit me in the process,” Farnsworth said. “I reached in there and started grabbing dogs and throwing dogs. And one of them got me.”

Yeah, dogs generally don’t like getting thrown. Mostly because they’re not capable of flight. Also, remember how Farnsworth got hurt drop-kicking a baseball? Something tells me the cause of this injury wasn’t something as simple as a wrestling match with his dogs.

I think this was Farnsworth’s real quote:

“I was fighting over a steak bone with my dog. By fighting, I don’t mean we both had opposite ends of the bone in our teeth and were trying to rip it out of each other’s mouths. I’ve done that before, but not this time. No, by fighting I mean I had a crossbow that shoots rattlesnakes and my dog had a bow-and-arrow that shoots throwing stars that I custom-made for him, since he doesn’t have thumbs.

“Did I mention we were both suspended by our necks from high-voltage cables over my piranha pond? Because that’s going to be important later. Anyhow, it was really windy, so neither one of us were hitting our shots at first. But then I got my hand stuck in my quiver of deadly, deadly rattlesnakes, giving Rambo the opportunity to really take aim and let fly. I tried to block my valuable pitching hand with my face, but my worthless non-pitching hand got in the way of the throwing star.

“My blood started dripping into the pond and really riled up the piranhas, who leaped out of the water to get at me, so I wriggled myself out of my electric-cable noose, dropped to the ground, and threw the cable into the pond, killing all of the piranhas. Anyhow, that’s why I’m late for the game,” Farnsworth said.

If you don’t believe that my account is more accurate than what Farnsworth said happened, bear this in mind. The names of his dogs are STRIKE and RAMBO. It’s times like this that I sort of miss the big meathead. Especially when he does his “I pitch well in odd-numbered years” thing, like he’s doing again this year.