Take THAT, English language! After a three-week hiatus, the Muskbox is back! One forgets how much one truly loves the Muskbox until one goes three weeks without one. And then, when one is one question into said Muskbox, one recalls why one enjoyed the three-week respite from it. One.

I’ve always been a Reed Johnson fan from the day the Cubs signed him. I’m curious why manager Lou Piniella seems to play him so rarely when Reed has the spark of energy and hustle and continues to make great plays in the field. Is his bat really that big of a drop from Kosuke Fukudome’s?
– Brian B., San Anselmo, Calif.

Whatever, consumer. I was a Reed Johnson fan way back when I saw him play up in Toronto. His early stuff was WAY better than the sell-out crap he’s put out in Chicago.

Also, in case you haven’t noticed, Kosuke Fukudome is sort of the best only good hitter on the team.

CARRIE: The only reason you haven’t seen Johnson every day has been because of all the right-handed pitching the Cubs have faced.

That, and the fact that he’s the fourth outfielder, and the Cubs aren’t in a slow-pitch softball league.

CARRIE: On Sunday, he did start against Cincinnati right-hander Bronson Arroyo as Piniella tries to find a lineup that works while waiting for Milton Bradley and Aramis Ramirez to come back. Piniella does prefer lefty-vs.-righty matchups if he can. Johnson has a career .313 average against left-handed pitchers and .268 average against righties.

Johnson’s facial hair is batting .800 against both righties, lefties, and GOD HIMSELF.

David Patton was a Rule 5 Draft pick, and I know he has to be on the 40-man roster, but is it for the year, or a specific amount of time? He had a couple of bad innings, and now he is rotting on the bench. Why won’t the Cubs send him down?
– Antonio K., Chicago

This is a great question. Why IS Patton on this team? Honestly, until yesterday, I had almost erased Patton’s existence from my mind entirely. I also almost forgot Jose Ascanio was on the team. You know why? Until they both materialized in yesterday’s game, neither of those guys had pitched since May 31st. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal until you realize that three of the Cubs four games in that time period were extra-inning games. This bullpen really fills you with confidence, doesn’t it?

CARRIE: The Cubs have to keep Patton on the 25-man roster for the entire season and do not have the option of sending him down to the Minor Leagues.

Sure they do. There’s just a chance that he might get taken back by Colorado for half price. You know. In case the Rockies need a reliever with a 6.06 ERA and 1.776 WHIP.

CARRIE: He did pitch May 25 for the first time in 16 days and did well, throwing two scoreless innings. He hasn’t been “rotting” — he’s been doing a lot of sidework. Remember, this is a kid who hasn’t pitched above Class A until this year.

Including Patton’s May 9th and June 7th outings, he’s made four appearances in over a MONTH. I don’t think Antonio assumed that Patton’s skin was actually decomposing right there on his bones. I don’t think Antonio is suggesting that Patton hungers for human brains (and, if he does, I suggest he avoid the Muskbox). I’m pretty sure you can qualify 4.2 innings pitched in 34 days as “rotting.”

I’ve heard rumors that the Indians might be considering trading Mark DeRosa for some pitching options. With the early struggles by the bench, do you think there’s a chance the Cubs would be interested in bringing DeRo back? I know I’d love to see him in a Cubs uniform again.
– Pablo P., Guatemala

I bet you would. I bet you’d also like to see him in a half shirt and biker shorts. STOP WITH THE FUCKING DEROSA QUESTIONS, FOR WOOD’S SAKE!

CARRIE: The Cubs traded DeRosa because they needed to trim salary. Unless the Indians are willing to pick up a large part of his $5.5 million salary, he won’t be back.

There’s a lot of trim in Chicago longing for DeRosa’s large part. Wait, what?

What is with Alfonso Soriano waving his hand in front of his face after he hits a home run?
– Steve O., Arlington Heights, Ill.

He’s just saying, “Hello, there, you handsome man.”

CARRIE: Soriano picked that up from the WWE’s John Cena, whose taunt is, “You can’t see me.” There’s a YouTube video of Soriano at a recent WWE match in which Cena tries to get him into the ring. Soriano declined.

Now, I don’t follow wrestling, but I do follow the laws of people being individuals with their own bank accounts and credit cards, and not being other people. Is it safe to say that John Cena =/= The Miz? Or was Soriano called into the ring by TWO different wrestlers on separate occasions?

I’m confused by the severity of Ramirez’s injury. Reports say he’ll be out four to eight weeks depending on his recovery, yet the Cubs only placed him on the 15-day disabled list. Is there something I’m missing here?
– Jeff T., Maple Grove, Minn.

Some semblance of timing, for one thing. Considering today already marks the one-month anniversary of Aramis’ injury. If you’re looking for gift ideas, I think the modern one-month anniversary gift is a diamond-studded watch.

CARRIE: First, Ramirez, who dislocated his left shoulder May 8, is not expected back until the first week in July. Second, teams almost always put players on the 15-day DL first. The player can be out longer than the 15 days, but what if Ramirez is ready in 50 days? If a team automatically puts him on the 60-day DL, then it’s handcuffed.

First, when one starts numbering the points in their answer, it really comes off as snarky. Second, I probably would have at least pointed out the advantage of putting a player on the 60-day DL instead of the 15-day DL. Third, if the Cubs were to move Aramis to the 60-day DL, they can add another player to their 40-man roster. Fourth, otherwise, teams would just put a guy on the 15-day DL four times in a row. Sixth, I suck at counting.

Everyone knew Jake Fox was hitting lights-out. And we knew we needed depth at third, and that he had the makeup, but not experience. Why wasn’t he getting reps at third at Triple-A Iowa? It seems like a no-brainer. What am I missing?
– Ben L., Bloomington, Ill.

You can hit lights-out now? What does that mean? He hit a ball so far that it hit a light standard and blew up the transformer?

CARRIE: When Ramirez was hurt, Fox did ask Iowa manager Bobby Dickerson if he could play third and was told no. And that isn’t Dickerson’s fault; it was a directive from above. Fox is taking grounders every day at third and working with bench coach Alan Trammell just in case he’s needed there.

Especially if he’s needed there in the past, like maybe on May 28th and May 31st. He’s going to need more than help from Trammell, though. He’s going to need a flux capacitor and a DeLorean.