In case you haven’t noticed, David Kaplan has gradually been changing color from pasty white to Oompa Loompa. I can only imagine the change is for one of the following reasons:
- The Caucasian race has officially kicked him out.
- He’s so dumb, his skin doesn’t even realize he’s white.
- He’s going on a hunting trip with the Monsters in the Morning this summer, and he doesn’t want to get “accidentally” shot, skinned, and eaten by Dan Jiggetts.
- He’s so embarrassed by his own writing that he’s going to hide from the society in the only place he’s still welcome: Carrot Top’s pubes.
Inexplicably, Kaplan decided that we weren’t getting enough of his total idiocy between WGN’s Sports Central and Comcast Sports Net’s Chicago Tribune Live, so he started a blog called Kap’s Corner, which doesn’t make sense, even if you think about it. To give you an idea of the content of Kap’s Corner, remember that scene in Seven when Morgan Freeman is reading Kevin Spacey’s journals, and it’s clear that Spacey is out of his fucking gourd? Imagine if Spacey had a blog with a creepy picture of him at the top of it. And instead of talking about laughing so hard that he vomits on someone, he vomits out trade ideas that are laughably stupid.
And so, our descent into madness begins.
With their 8th loss in a row now in the books panic is starting to creep into the Cubs clubhouse. While all involved agree that the Cubs have a lot of talent on the roster it is also evident that this is a team that has some glaring weaknesses.
I would be willing to bet that Kaplan has never been in a clubhouse in his life, Cubs or otherwise. In fact, I would surmise that all of his friends built a clubhouse and called it the “NO DAVIDS CLUB.”
KAPLAN: But you let in David Justice!
FRIENDS: Yeah. It’s called the “No DavidS Club!”
DAVID JUSTICE: Ha ha! I beat my wife!
That’s good journalism by Kaplan to use his rock-solid sources like “all involved.” I use that all the time on my wife. “Honey, ALL INVOLVED agree that blowjobs whiten teeth and help you lose weight! Who are we to doubt the collective knowledge of ALL INVOLVED?!”
ALL INVOLVED = Wikipedia.
First, defensively they are less than adequate.
First, this entry is going to read like a high school term paper.
They have no legitimate, everday 2nd baseman on a championship level club.
I’m probably as guilty of typos as anyone, so I’ll let that “everday” slide. But isn’t this article going to be about how the Cubs aren’t very good? I’d probably shy away from describing them as a “championship level” club, as doing so makes no sense.
Observe: “This championship level chili tastes like it was cooked in Larry Rothschild’s cup!”
They are trying to fill in at 3rd with either a player who is too short to play the position (Fontenot and Miles), a player who the Baltimore Orioles so wanted to get rid of that Andy MacPhail is paying ALL of Ryan Freel’s salary, or a player who as of a month ago had never played in the big leagues – Bobby Scales.
Too short? Seriously? It’s the MLB, not the NBA. It’s funny to make jokes about how short the Cubs’ infield is, but they’re just jokes. The difference between a 5’8″ Fontenot versus a 6’1″ Aramis Ramirez is, what- five inches? Wocka wocka. Seriously, though, how many line drives get over Fontenot’s head that wouldn’t get over Ramirez’s? One a week? One a month? One a season?
In regards to Freel, I think he’s pretty useless. But Kaplan, as per usual, misses the more important part of HIS OWN SENTENCE. Yes, MacPhail is paying Freel’s salary because he wanted to get rid of him, but also, MACPHAIL IS PAYING FREEL’S SALARY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GET RID OF HIM. Freel is FREE (and worth every penny so far), you jackass.
As for his comments on Scales, here is a list of players who hadn’t played in the Major Leagues until their first appearance in the Major Leagues. Don’t be such a penis, David.
The bullpen is a huge problem as the Cubs really have only 1 lockdown reliever in Carlos Marmol…
He of the 1.50 WHIP? Of the 18 walks in 20 innings? Marlos is clearly the best reliever in the bullpen, but the only thing he’s really “locked down” so far this season is vagina.
…a youngster who is getting better in Angel Guzman…
He’s 27 years old, for fuck’s sake.
…and very mediocre pitchers in setup man Aaron Heilman and closer Kevin Gregg.
“Mediocre” is the new “terrible.” For your convenience, I will now use it in a sentence. “David Kaplan is mediocre at his job, he’s a mediocre writer, and he wears mediocre sport coats.”
Neal Cotts does not belong on this team nor does David Patton who may be solid down the road but currently is far too inexperienced to be forced to help a subpar bullpen.
Sometimes when I get nervous I type confusing sentences with no punctuation and people have a hard time understanding what I’m trying to say even when I’m not really saying much of anything anyhow so I guess it doesn’t really matter whether or not I use good grammar.
While much of the trade talk in the media has centered on Jake Peavy who wants to pitch for the Cubs the prudent thing to do would be to add a bat and at least one bullpen arm.
I agree, assuming that bat is Evan Longoria’s and that arm is Francisco Rodriguez’s.
I wonder what it would take to re-acquire Mark DeRosa and struggling closer Kerry Wood from Cleveland who is in last place in the AL Central.
You know why they’re in last place in the AL Central? Because DeRosa’s one of their better hitters at a very mediocre .267/.332/.450, and Wood has been awful, with a 6.75 ERA and lofty 1.750 WHIP. He’s allowed 18 hits and 10 walks in 16 innings. That’s bad. The Cubs have plenty of bad players already. If they’re going to add to the team, they should try to add good players instead.
DeRosa gives you another bat…
Oh, good. He’s going to bring his own bat, so the equipment manager won’t have to provide him with one.
…a clubhouse presence…
What does that even mean? When Lou Piniella is walking from his office to the toilets to take a shit, he can’t just walk directly through DeRosa? Breaking news. Mark DeRosa is not a vapor. Thank you, David Kaplan.
…and something that the Cubs sorely need…
To kick you in the face?
…a 3rd baseman until Aramis Ramirez comes back.
Incidentally, DeRosa has already made 6 errors at third, good for a .936 fielding percentage.
Wood, while he has had his struggles returns to a more comfortable setting and could give the club a shot in the arm and change the locker room dynamic.
What’s he going to do? Move the furniture around? Buy new drapes? “It’s okay, guys. Kerry Wood is back, and he is going to feng shui THE SHIT out of this locker room! Oh, and if you need flu shots, he’s apparently going to administer those, too.”
Major League sources tell me that GM Jim Hendry is desperately looking to add a hitter and is calling around both leagues with a real sense of urgency.
Really? Because I had lunch with “Major League sources” yesterday, and they didn’t mention talking to Kaplan. In fact, they said they had to block Kaplan’s number and get a restraining order against him, because his awful wardrobe gave them seizures.
Oakland’s Matt Holliday is available but he is a LF so if you add him that means that Alfonso Soriano must move to 2nd base and that would weaken an already suspect Cubs defense.
I know Kaplan has some stupid-ass vendetta against Soriano, but it’s generally not a good idea to trade for a guy who plays the same position as one of your superstar players. Especially since after Holliday stopped playing in Coors Field for 81 games, his power magically decreased. But who could have possibly seen that coming?
I would call Texas and see if I could add SS Omar Vizquel and I would move Ryan Theriot to 2b where he could be an all star. Vizquel improves the team’s defense and that should help relax the pitching staff.
Good idea. Vizquel is only 800 years old and hasn’t been better than an average offensive player since- well- ever. But I’m sure his .468 slugging percentage this year has nothing to do with the fact that he’s playing in Texas. I have a better idea. If the pitching staff needs to relax while watching this team, they should do what I do. Drink.
Then I would call Cleveland and beg them to trade me DeRosa.
Begging is almost always a good bargaining strategy.
Two other names that are rumored to interest Hendry are the Florida Marlins Dan Uggla and Jorge Cantu. Both are excellent hitters but Cantu has had his struggles at both 2b and 3b before moving to 1b this season. Uggla is coming off of back to back excellent offensive season with 30+ HR’s in 2008 but he is hitting just .205 so far in 09′.
And, as you know, batting average is the MOST IMPORTANT OFFENSIVE STATISTIC IN THE WORLD! This must be why Kaplan has absolutely no clue that Soriano is actually a really good baseball player.
Whatever Hendry does it is sure to be interesting over the next couple of weeks but whatever he does he better do it quickly before his team’s season slips away.
Inspired by their desire to prove that Kaplan has absolutely no clue what he’s talking about, the Cubs are undefeated since this pile was posted. I predict that the Cubs will finish the season 140-22 and Soriano will hit 80 home runs, all of which will be declared “selfish” by Kaplan.
Is THE SHIT in the same category as BOBBY SCALES now?
When I read
“What’s he going to do? Move the furniture around? Buy new drapes? “It’s okay, guys. Kerry Wood is back, and he is going to feng shui THE SHIT out of this locker room! Oh, and if you need flu shots, he’s apparently going to administer those, too.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Funny stuff.
Maybe Kerry Wood can become the club’s drink dispenser mechanic. After all, he is a pitcher and the the pitching staff seems to be the one’s with the problem with the Gatorade. That is in addition to the feng shui duties, of course! But seriously bring back DeRosa now!!!!
I love how he notes that the Cubs need a third baseman, then lists exactly one guy who’s even remotely good at playing third base. And ignores the fact that there’s basically nowhere to put a “hitter” right now except maybe second base, only the shallowest offensive position in the game.
I found this article.
Will this be a regular feature, like the Muskbox? Only one minor quibble–”I would be willing to bet that Kaplan has never been in a clubhouse in his life, Cubs or otherwise. ” Kaplan used to be a college basketball coach, although predictably a lousy one.
@psychoch – I might have exaggerated a bit on the clubhouse comment. I don’t know if this will be a regular feature, but I do know that I put Kap’s Corner on my RSS feed. If there’s anything as bad as this (there will be), I think you guys are entitled to know about it.
Hey, it’s $95 for a bat these days! Every penny counts!
I was against trading DeRosa and still wouldn’t mind having him back, .267 average and all, but I’m also more than willing to embrace Bobby Scales as the third base solution until Rami comes back. I have nothing against Mike Fontenot playing there either, so long as he hits. I know neither of them is going to hit like Ramirez, but wasting prospects on a temporary solution doesn’t make sense. So as much as I’d like to have DeRosa back or say Garrett Atkins (really wouldn’t want him, but he’s probably available), if I’m Jim Hendry I don’t make a desperation trade when I’ve all these guys in the minors who probably can at least tread water until Rami’s back. Moving Soriano to second is defensive suicide, especially considering we have a shit load of guys who can play the position (If only Jake Fox could play 2nd!!). Alfonso is a much better left fielder than second baseman and he’s cut down on the number of times he does his stupid little hop. I’ve never understood the Soriano hate. He’s not selfish, when he’s hot, he puts up video game numbers, and he’s a serviceable left fielder. The only yhting I don’t like about him is the lenght of the deal Hendry gave him. And even that will be a bargain in a few years if the economy rebounds. Kaplan needs to shut his piehole.
Funny stuff, BK. I had forgotten that Guzman was a youngster so I’m glad I could have Kap fill me in here. If I were Kap, I’d stick to radio or TV where my idiocy is fleeting and is not in writing where it remains for all to see.
@Arcturus –
There is no Soriano hate, but I have come to realize that those video game numbers you speak of come against the crap pitchers that put it over the heart of the plate. What I saw yesterday was the same exact thing the Dodgers did last post season. If you can throw the ball low and away about 5 to 10 inches of the plate, our $15,000,000 stud superstar is an automatic out.
You’re right he is unselfish and seems like a great guy, but unless Gerald Perry teaches him to not swing at that crap he will forever be a complete waste. That’s not hate, that’s fact.
I don’t sense any vendetta against Soriano from Kaplan.
If Mark DeRosa were still here, he would want to play 2b and have someone else at third. One of the reasons the Cubs traded him is that, despite being versatile, he preferred 2b, and played other positions while grumbling. I originally questioned playing Mike Fontenot at third because he had never played there in MLB, and would be unfairly criticised for not being Ramirez.. After one bad day, he seems to have settled down and plays the position rather well. All of the other players, and even the batboy are taller than Fontenot, but are afraid of playing third. Mike, who is actually 5′ 5″ tall (according to the team tailor), plays the position better than any of the others. It is possible that once Ramirez returns, his shoulder may need surgery in the off season, and he may not return to third base, but to a position that requires a shorter throw – think 2b, in order to have his bat in the lineup. He could play 1b, but then where would D Lee Play? Lou Piniella is smarter than he is given credit for, and Fontenot plays like someone much bigger.