You panicky little nerds. Do you feel better now that we’re only a half game out of first place? Does it bring you joy to see us win four in a row? Are you wetting the roomy crotches of your pants after the bullpen actually managed to string together some outs? Are you ready to climb right back up on the ledge if Randy Wells doesn’t manage to beat Houston in his second Major League start today? Truth be told, I don’t care about the answers to any of those questions. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup:

• First and most importantly. Ladies, if you are looking for tickets to today’s game, I suggest going here and submitting pictures of your racks. If you just want a good time, send those same pictures here. (HT: Right Field Bleachers)
• Tony LaRussa is pissed in 140 characters or fewer.
• Forget for a moment the fact that they’re charging $289.99 for a Mark Prior picture. How in the world are they charging $20 MORE for a Prior picture than an Alfonso Soriano picture? (HT: Oliver)
• Son of Jim Essian Steve had an interesting tidbit for me. Apparently, on Wednesday night, there were no vendors in the stands for our Padres game. No beer. No cotton candy. No hot dogs. Nothing. Did anyone else notice that? Anyone have any explanations or conspiracy theories? Is this part of Houston’s SNEAK ATTACK?
• Congratulations to the Blackhawks for advancing to the Western Conference championship against the Red Wings. If you don’t follow hockey at all, this is almost as big as if we were playing the Cardinals in the NLCS. Almost.
• The league reduced Milton Bradley’s suspension from two games to one, but Milton would still like to reduce someone’s FACE for having to be suspended at all.
• Speaking of Milton, are you wondering how far his home run went the other night? Wonder no more. (HT: Cubs f/x)
• Speaking more of Milton, I love Milton.
• The Tale of BOBBY SCALES grows more epic with each passing day.
• Carlos Zambrano pre-apologizes for not being able to run through a wall when he gets back (which should be right on schedule). At least not right away.
• Alfonso Soriano is sort of good at this leadoff hitting thing.
• DeLuca the one who shoved crayons too far up his nose.
• Roger Clemens is still just as stupid as you remember him.
• The MLB reviewed Ryan Dempster’s “beaning” of Ryan Braun and ruled it strike one. Fuck you, Braun, and fuck you, Ken Macha for bitching about it.
• Hey, HJE got a random Deadspin shout-out. Very random.
• The easiest way to tell that even Phil Rogers knows he’s retarded is when he writes a follow-up column to try to explain why his earlier column wasn’t the stupidest thing ever put to ink.
• Here is a list of 22 teams more racist than the Cubs.
• Speaking of race, Troy O’Leary, the guy you could have sworn was white until he took his first at-bat as a Cub, is starting a reality show to get scrubs like you idiots invited to Spring Training. I guess that’s better than actually having Troy O’Leary at Spring Training.
• Jeff Blauser and Jeff Fassero make the All “Jeff” Team. (HT: Oliver)
• This is why I keep a live mongoose in my bathroom.
• Learn something about curveballs, you idiots.
• Nerds get excited about the strangest things.
• And, finally, who are YOUR Top Ten Sports Movie Characters? Let’s hear them in the comments. I don’t want to sway the vote, but…

Well, that’s it for me, spuds. I’m off to assure Randy Wells that it’s okay to throw 80 pitches an inning as long as he can make it through 6 of them.

-Sweet Uncle Lou