You panicky little nerds. Do you feel better now that we’re only a half game out of first place? Does it bring you joy to see us win four in a row? Are you wetting the roomy crotches of your pants after the bullpen actually managed to string together some outs? Are you ready to climb right back up on the ledge if Randy Wells doesn’t manage to beat Houston in his second Major League start today? Truth be told, I don’t care about the answers to any of those questions. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup:
- First and most importantly. Ladies, if you are looking for tickets to today’s game, I suggest going here and submitting pictures of your racks. If you just want a good time, send those same pictures here. (HT: Right Field Bleachers)
- Tony LaRussa is pissed in 140 characters or fewer.
- Forget for a moment the fact that they’re charging $289.99 for a Mark Prior picture. How in the world are they charging $20 MORE for a Prior picture than an Alfonso Soriano picture? (HT: Oliver)
- Son of Jim Essian Steve had an interesting tidbit for me. Apparently, on Wednesday night, there were no vendors in the stands for our Padres game. No beer. No cotton candy. No hot dogs. Nothing. Did anyone else notice that? Anyone have any explanations or conspiracy theories? Is this part of Houston’s SNEAK ATTACK?
- Congratulations to the Blackhawks for advancing to the Western Conference championship against the Red Wings. If you don’t follow hockey at all, this is almost as big as if we were playing the Cardinals in the NLCS. Almost.
- The league reduced Milton Bradley’s suspension from two games to one, but Milton would still like to reduce someone’s FACE for having to be suspended at all.
- Speaking of Milton, are you wondering how far his home run went the other night? Wonder no more. (HT: Cubs f/x)
- Speaking more of Milton, I love Milton.
- The Tale of BOBBY SCALES grows more epic with each passing day.
- Carlos Zambrano pre-apologizes for not being able to run through a wall when he gets back (which should be right on schedule). At least not right away.
- Alfonso Soriano is sort of good at this leadoff hitting thing.
- DeLuca the one who shoved crayons too far up his nose.
- Roger Clemens is still just as stupid as you remember him.
- The MLB reviewed Ryan Dempster’s “beaning” of Ryan Braun and ruled it strike one. Fuck you, Braun, and fuck you, Ken Macha for bitching about it.
- Hey, HJE got a random Deadspin shout-out. Very random.
- The easiest way to tell that even Phil Rogers knows he’s retarded is when he writes a follow-up column to try to explain why his earlier column wasn’t the stupidest thing ever put to ink.
- Here is a list of 22 teams more racist than the Cubs.
- Speaking of race, Troy O’Leary, the guy you could have sworn was white until he took his first at-bat as a Cub, is starting a reality show to get scrubs like you idiots invited to Spring Training. I guess that’s better than actually having Troy O’Leary at Spring Training.
- Jeff Blauser and Jeff Fassero make the All “Jeff” Team. (HT: Oliver)
- This is why I keep a live mongoose in my bathroom.
- Learn something about curveballs, you idiots.
- Nerds get excited about the strangest things.
- And, finally, who are YOUR Top Ten Sports Movie Characters? Let’s hear them in the comments. I don’t want to sway the vote, but…
Well, that’s it for me, spuds. I’m off to assure Randy Wells that it’s okay to throw 80 pitches an inning as long as he can make it through 6 of them.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
Is it just me or does this seem like the “Everything’s Fuckin’ Rosey Since We Swept The Fuckin’ Padres” Roundup?
Top 10 Sports Movie Characters
1. Judge Elihu Smails
2. Pedro Cerrano
3. Reggie Dunlop
4. Morris Buttermaker
5/6. Gale Sayers/Brian Piccolo
7. Eddie Harris
8. Nuke Laloosh
9. Spaulding Smails
10. Lacey Underall
So the cardinals are the most racist team…. shocking
What about: Jake Taylor / Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn / Willie Mays Hayes?
Bah, those three don’t touch Cerrano and Harris. I’d put the inanimate Jobu over any of those characters.
Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Roger Dorn: Shit, Harris.
Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?
I disagree.
The Hawks vs. Shitwings series is going to be much better than anything I have seen out of the Cubs vs. Tards.
Even if we meet them in the NLCS.
@Blackhawks – Oh, come on. A Cubs-Cardinals NLCS would be ridiculous. There’s over 40 more years of history between the Cubs and Cardinals than the Hawks and Wings, yet they haven’t met in the postseason since the 1800s. Remember the 5-game series toward the end of 2003? Imagine the outcome of that series meaning a trip to the World Series. I think the Hawks-Wings series is going to be amazing, but a Cubs-Cardinals NLCS would be insane.
The vendors were all sent home Wednesday because of the high winds and crappy weather expected. Fact.
Lance Berkman just applied to be a vendor at Wrigley. Fact.
I was at the game Wednesday night and noticed the same thing about the vendors. However, to correct your point above, cotton candy was the ONLY thing that was sold by the walkaround vendors.
I asked one of the concession stand workers why this was the case, and they said it was because the game was delayed by rain. Then I said, well that’s usually a great chance for them to make more money on beer and food, since it will extend the game and people need something to do, like drink.
I have to say, I kind of enjoyed not having the vendors around. Although, there’s not much gayer than vendors only selling cotton candy.
On the other hand, yes it could be a sneak attack by the Astros. I’m sure it takes a lot of hot dogs to satisfy the Puma.
A little Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous or Charlie Conway anyone? Anyone???
Every character in every baseball movie ever played by James Earl Jones.
Ever.
And Hannibal Lector, but only because I’m assuming his character was based off of Ted Lilly.
They changed my La Russa twitter to twitter.com/nottonylarussa… I got bored and quit posting on it, but now Tony will feel my wrath against frivolous law suits. Fuck Molina.
I don’t need any stinkin’ bullpen to make me wet my pants! I’m old. I can do THAT on my own!
Roy Hobbs has to be on the list.
The Hanson Brothers.
Shooter.
Bert Gordon, Fast Eddie Felson and Minnesota Fats.
/Almost threw you with that Bert Gordon reference, didn’t I? You were thinking “Who the hell is Bert Gordon?” for a second.
Jonathon E!
Jonathon! Jonathon! Jonathon!!
I had foveal chops for lunch one day. My date was impressed.
It’s true. I was at the game and asked one of the beer vendors who was also watching the game. He was pissed because he lost a game’s worth of commission. He mentioned he’d never been through that before, where they were just sent home.
Also, there were some cotton candy and novelty vendors.
1. Reg Dunlop – “Dunlop, you suck cock.” “All I can get”
2. Morris Buttermaker
3. Judge Smails
4. Pop Fisher – “C’mon Hobbs, knock the cover off the ball!”
5. The Hanson Brothers
6. Babe the Pig
7. Lou Brown
8. Raymond Stoller (Breaking Away)
9. Mike Engleberg
10. Jim Carr
For some reason I like managers better than players.
Tanner Boyle
Billy Hoyle
Jack Parkman
Randy Quaid’s character in The Slugger’s Wife.
It was you? Outstanding work, my friend.