Ryan Braun is a Tw@

Posted by Bad Kermit
Posted on May 14, 2009

Before any Brewers fans catch wind of this and freak out, I want to clarify something right off the bat. I don’t care if the Cubs throw at Ryan Braun. I don’t want the guy’s blood like a lot of people do. It’s the Cubs’ prerogative if they think he was showing Ryan Dempster up after his display last week up in Milwaukee (thanks to the guys at Brew Crew Ball for the video), and if they feel compelled to defend their honor by drilling him in the ass with a heater, go for it. With that already said, this needs to be said: Ryan Braun is a bug-eyed cockface.

It’s not just because he murders the Cubs. He does. But he also murders pretty much everyone else in the National League, so that doesn’t bother me. It’s because he acts like a petulant little twelve-year-old kid.

EXHIBIT A: Boom! Headshot!

On Saturday in Milwaukee, Ryan Dempster threw a pitch up and in to Braun for a foul ball strike. Because when a pitched ball hits a batter’s bat and goes into foul territory, it is ruled, what is called in the baseball industry, a “strike.” Unless, of course, you are Ryan Braun (or Lance Berkman) and pretend that you were hit in the head. Observe:





At the time of the “hit by pitch,” the Cubs were down 3-2 and Braun was leading off the inning. Dempster is a clown, but even he knows that it’s a bad idea to put leadoff runners on base, particularly when your team is down. Moreover, I have to suspect that if Dempster wants to hit a guy, he hits him in the ass. Most likely, the pitch got away from him and buzzed Braun’s tower. As Len Kasper pointed out in the video, when a guy gets beaned in the dome, he probably lays down for a little while. Maybe a trainer would come out and asks Braun things like, “How many fingers am I holding up?” Or, “Why did your people kill Jesus?”

But none of that happened. Instead, Braun couldn’t wait to jump up, run to first base, and cry gallons of tears from his bulbous eyes to Cubs first baseman, Micah Hoffpauir. But just like that kid faking a leg injury who limps on the wrong leg, Braun couldn’t even do that right.





Not only is it lame to steal first base, particularly by one of the elite hitters in the National League, but it’s particularly shitty to make Ryan Dempster worry that he hit a guy in the head. Careers have ended from that. Hell, people have died from that.

EXHIBIT B: Wait until you can see the whites of his eyes. Okay, now.

I have no issue with Braun admiring his home run. For one thing, it was quite majestic. For another thing, both Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano are just as guilty as admiring their blasts as anyone. Hell, Albert Pujols does it all the time, and I’ve never called him a twat in writing. Of course, Pujols probably can’t even see his home runs through the cataracts or remember them due to the Alzheimer’s. I do, however, take umbrage to Braun staring down Dempster as he rounded the bases.





Never mind the fact that Dempster didn’t actually hit him, or that no one with half a brain would think that Dempster had any intention to hit him, but Braun’s little staredown is the sort of crap that starts bench-clearing fracases. It’s not tough. It’s dumb, and it made Braun look like a dipshit, particularly since it was clear that Dempster didn’t even look up to acknowledge that he was getting the stink eye.

EXHIBIT C: His clothing line.

Thanks to PenFoe for bringing to my attention Braun’s ridiculous clothing line, Remetee. I’ll just let the picture make my argument for me.





Braun is a twat. I rest my case.

Around the MLB, Cubs, NL Central

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