The Muskbox Gets Clutch

Posted by Bad Kermit
Posted on May 13, 2009

You can just imagine my jubilation when I read the title to this week’s Muskbox. “How Clutch is Theriot?” the Muskbox inquired. “THIS MANY!” Theriot responded, holding up three fingers on his right hand and one finger on his left hand. And that’s how this Muskbox was born.

I know Ryan Theriot has had some clutch hits recently, but very rarely do you see a batting average go up as the situation needs it more. He is batting .346 with runners in scoring position. My question is: What is his average with runners on and two outs? I can’t find that statistic anywhere. Does he lead the team in that category?
– Michael G., Orlando, Fla.

I don’t know. Ask his brother. When he’s not busy giving Ryan rub-downs, playing freeze tag with him, and reading every article written about him on the internet, he’s meticulously recording and memorizing all of his statistics from tee-ball through his Major League career.

CARRIE: Theriot, who is batting .299 overall, was hitting .304 (7-for-23) when there are runners on and two outs, which is great, but not first among his teammates. Theriot was batting .258 with the bases empty; .353 with runners on; .346 with runners in scoring position; .455 with RISP and two outs; and .333 with the bases loaded. Micah Hoffpauir leads the team, batting .455 (5-for-11) with runners on and two outs (and .571 with RISP and two outs), Kosuke Fukudome is batting .444 (4-for-9) with men on and two outs (and .474 with RISP); and Aramis Ramirez was hitting .368 with men on and two outs.

I have no idea what brand of foul witchery is going on here, but according to the incomparable Baseball-Reference.com, Theriot is hitting .353 overall with men on. Coincidentally, he’s also hitting .353 with two outs. He’s hitting .429 with a guy on third and two outs, and he’s hitting .455 with two outs and runners in scoring position.

Add that all up, and by my calculations, Theriot is batting 1.590 with runners on and two outs. Idiot.

With Carlos Zambrano on the disabled list, why wouldn’t Jeff Samardzija be brought into the fifth spot in the rotation instead of Randy Wells, seeing how he battled for that spot in Spring Training?
– Travis M., Kaukauna, Wis.

Battled…and lost. See, that’s the thing about a battle. One battler wins the battle, and the other battler loses the battle. For every Stonewall Jackson, there’s an Ambrose Burnside. For every Sitting Bull, there’s a George Armstrong Custer. For every Hall of Fame Committee, there’s a Ron Santo.

CARRIE: Because Wells had built up arm strength and had been stretched out, innings wise, at Triple-A Iowa much more than Samardzija, who had thrown 3 1/3 innings over five games from April 23-May 5 for the Cubs.

After all the things I’ve said about the Muskbox over the course of our dance together, I will admit that there is one thing that Carrie’s answers are NOT.

Complete sentences.

CARRIE: Wells had appeared in five games, totaling 26 innings. Wells did fine in his first Major League start on Friday vs. Milwaukee, throwing five scoreless innings.

Those five games in which Wells appeared were only 26 innings long? Total? I don’t know what the rules are like in the Pacific Coast League, but I would have thought they’d be similar to the MLB rules. Strange.

Why is Milton Bradley still appealing his two-game suspension? Wouldn’t it have been better for the team and for him to have served those games as long as he was out with an injury? It makes no sense to me that he would wait to serve those games while he’s healthy.
– Nick C., Winfield, Ill.

Whatever, Nick C. Or should I call you THE MAN?!

CARRIE: Because Bradley feels he is being falsely accused of making contact with the umpire. It’s a matter of principle.

“Falsely accused”? How dramatic! Drew Peterson should hire Carrie as his attorney!




I was just wondering about the health, rehab and future of Mark Prior. Any word on how things are going for him?
– John F., O’Fallon, Mo.

Oh dear God. I hope to all things holy that the e-mail system in Missouri is slower than shit, and that this question was sent in 2004. No one should ever worry about Mark Prior again. No one. Even Carl Pavano and Mike Hampton look at the disabled list and say, “Wow. Prior’s still on there?” But if you REALLY need to know the answer to your three questions, here you go:

  1. Prognosis negative.
  2. He’s had a “minor setback.”
  3. He’s going to be happy he ended up getting that business degree from Southern Cal.

CARRIE: Prior was rehabbing at the Padres’ Spring Training facility in Peoria, Ariz., and reported soreness in his right shoulder after a bullpen session in late April. At that time, San Diego manager Bud Black said Prior “might have to take a step back” in his rehab. Prior hasn’t pitched in the Major Leagues since 2006, and has undergone two surgeries to his shoulder since ’07.

Are you like me? Are you looking forward to celebrating the three-year anniversary of the last time Prior threw a pitch in the Majors? It’s coming up sooner than you think! August 10, 2009, will mark the three-year anniversary of Prior’s 2006 loss to Doug Davis and the Brewers. Prior only made it through three innings and allowed 6 runs (5 earned) along with 4 walks and 4 hits. His only strikeout came against Davis himself. It’s worse when you consider the Brewers’ lineup that day:

Brady Clark
Jeff Cirillo
Prince Fielder
Kevin Mench
Gabe Gross
Tony Graffanino
David Bell
Mike Rivera
Doug Davis

The loss ended Prior’s season with a 1-6 record, a 7.21 ERA, and only 38 strikeouts against 28 walks on the 2006 season.

Holy shit, that’s depressing.

Why was Luis Vizcaino released?
– Scott W., Buchanan, Mich.

Gordon Wittenmyer Sez: Because the Cubs front office is RACIST!

CARRIE: Because the team did not have confidence in him.

The team? Or Lou Piniella? Because, quite frankly, I couldn’t care less if Reed Johnson doesn’t have faith in Luis Vizcaino. All I need Reed Johnson to have faith in is apple pie, the steel industry, wearing cowboy hats, and paying for sex.

What’s the new target date for the ownership change, the All-Star Game? It took the founding fathers less time to draft the Constitution than for the lawyers to finalize this transaction.
– Gerry R., Port Byron, Ill.

It only took about 4 months to write the Constitution. I would have gone with, “It took Ryan Freel’s shrink less time to write out his prescription.” Or maybe, “It took Milton Bradley less time to get a hit as a Cub.” Or perhaps, “It’s taking more time than Neal Cotts takes between showers.” But, seriously, God bless America.

CARRIE: There is no deadline. Tom Ricketts has raised $400 million for the deal and planned to borrow the rest. But because of the recession, the Ricketts family has had difficulty getting the financing. The deal also must be approved by a bankruptcy judge. The Tribune Co. filed for Chapter 11 protection last December. The team has won two National League Central titles since the “for sale” sign was first posted. It’s business as usual.

What the hell does THAT mean? That the Cubs are winning because the Tribune Co. can no longer afford to buy those reinforced bun-safe hairpins Carrie’s always blathering on about? Seriously. I don’t even know what she’s trying to suggest.

I’m a soldier in the Illinois Army National Guard deployed to Afghanistan. If I take a picture of me with the white “W” flag flying, would you be interested in posting it on the site?
– Chris C., Sycamore, Ill.

Thank you for your service to our country. I don’t know quite how to say this. Maybe you’ve been gone for a long time. I’m sure your internet access is limited. But- Well, it’s not really that big an honor to be on the Cubs site. In fact, after all you’ve done for your country I consider it to be a great disservice to you to not point out that Cubs.com is full of dopes. And do you know the sort of pictures they put on the site?

Sorts like these:





Now, I don’t really know why Fergie Jenkins is undead, and I don’t think I want to know why Fergie Jenkins is undead. But I can assure you that you don’t want to have your face plastered up on the site next to this abomination.

CARRIE: We’d be honored to do so.

I found it hilarious that the picture wasn’t actually posted on the site. Maybe Chris C. hadn’t sent in the picture yet, but that raises two questions: (1) why wouldn’t Carrie have just responded to him personally and waited to post his question until she received the picture, and (2) why is Carrie such a dumbass?

Over the past few years during special events at Wrigley, I’ve seen a lot of players from the late ’60s and early ’70s (Glenn Beckert, Billy Williams, Ernie Banks, Randy Hundley, Ron Santo, Ferguson Jenkins). One person I haven’t seen is Don Kessinger. Any news on what has become of him?
– Don S., Culpeper, VA

He was eaten by zombie Ferguson Jenkins.

CARRIE: Kessinger is the boss of Kessinger Real Estate in Oxford, Miss., and specializes in commercial, residential and land sales.

Kessinger paid 400 dollars for that pitch. I think it was worth every penny.

I was thinking the power outage at Miller Park was an attempt to stop the Cubs’ momentum in the eighth. Now, seeing the Brewers score a bunch of runs in the eighth, I believe this even more. Are the Cubs going to file a protest?
– Elliott B., Naperville, Ill.

First, you are the dumbest person alive. Second, I think the Brewers were doing the Cubs a favor. The only way the Cub bullpen is remotely watchable is in complete darkness.

CARRIE: No. However, the Klement’s sausage races are rigged.

She’s here all week, folks. Try the Donnie Veal.

Why are the Cubs’ logos crooked on their batting helmets? I know it’s nitpicking, but instead of the ends of the “C” being at the same angle, one is flat and the other is at a 45-degree angle. Originally, I thought it was only one or two helmets, but it seems like all of them are like that.
– Matt P., Tampa, Fla.

Of all the insanely stupid wardrobe questions that get asked and inexplicably answered in the Muskbox, I think this one is the most amazing. Let’s review.





When you’re done counting the individual blades of grass, you OCD psychopath, you might notice that the ends of the “C” are- oh, who am I kidding? You need to get a fucking life.

CARRIE: Since you wrote, Zambrano (hamstring), Ramirez (shoulder), and Chad Fox (elbow) have been placed on the disabled list; the Cubs dealt Joey Gathright for Ryan Freel; the bullpen gave up 10 runs in 4 2/3 innings in two games in Milwaukee, both losses; Chicago relievers have compiled a 5.40 ERA; Geovany Soto is batting .169, Derrek Lee .209, and Bradley .179; and the Cardinals lead the National League Central. You’re nitpicking, Matt.

“Also, your mother has cancer, and I’m carrying your father’s baby. That’s right. I’m going to bear you a half-brother! MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!”

Cubs, Muskbox

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