What’s better than having Dolan do a guest Muskbox? Well, getting back-to-back Muskboxes, of course! It’s like last week’s Muskbox is scissoring this week’s Muskbox in a loving- ah, forget it. That’s fucking gross. Let’s just dive into this week’s nightmare. I can assure you that it is terrible, as I noticed an awful, awful nugget at the end when I was cutting-and-pasting the text. You’ll see.

How are the Cubs justifying not calling up Jake Fox, who is currently tearing up Triple-A pitching?
– Mike M., Morristown, N.J.

Yeah, he’s absolutely mashing “guys” like Lindsay Gulin. And Chris Narveson. And Shawn Estes. Too bad they didn’t have him here to face Lincecum yesterday.

CARRIE: Fox is a hitter without a position. If he played shortstop or third, he would’ve been up. Fox was batting .420 for Triple-A Iowa with 12 homers, eight doubles and 31 RBIs in just 21 games, and is primarily playing first base. It’s been tough enough for Micah Hoffpauir to get at-bats.

And it’s been even tougher avoiding getting Aaron Miles at-bats.

I don’t understand why Lou Piniella would have Rich Harden run for Big Z after he just left with an injury. I know we have a limited bench right now, but why risk injury to Harden, too?
– Chris L., Woodridge, Ill.

Is it really that unreasonable to expect a professional athlete to be able to run in a 360-foot square without going into anaphylactic shock?

CARRIE: The bench was limited, and Harden is a good runner. He’s already beaten a throw for an infield hit this year. Carlos Zambrano’s injury was a freak thing — watch the video and you can see him stretch with his left leg to reach first base.

Watch the video? Are you fucking kidding? I don’t think even the dweebs at the four-letter record and save every single game, and the MLB has a lockdown on any non-MLB.com video clips out there. Can I swing by yours and Hartig’s next slumber party to watch the clip?

CARRIE: Plus, Zambrano was upset at what happened in the Marlins’ fifth when Geovany Soto threw to first rather than get the runner at third. Who knows if Zambrano was trying to make up for that? I understand the concern, but I also think pitchers are good enough athletes to handle the occasional pinch-running duties.

“When you’re too cautious at times, you’re going to get hurt,” Piniella said. “When you play the game and throw a little bit of caution to the wind, usually nothing happens. You’re always taking chances.”

Well, at least the MANAGER understands that baseball is a physical sport instead of a board game.

Fergie Jenkins totaled more than 300 innings per year. How many pitchers did the Cubs carry on the 25-man roster then? I don’t believe they needed 12 pitchers.
– Ara W., Alpharetta, Ga.

Remember in grade school when you first learned how to write a research paper?

STEP 1. CHOOSE A TOPIC

Good job so far, Ara. You have asked a relatively interesting question in regards to baseball. So, let’s move on to the next step.

STEP 2. FIND INFORMATION

In grade school, this was when they would take us into the school library and learn how to use the card catalog, locate our books, and efficiently using an index. As a last resort, we were taught to use the librarian as a resource.





I guess I can see how Ara was confused.

CARRIE: They typically had 10 pitchers on the roster. The 1969 numbers are impressive. When Fergie totaled 311 1/3 innings over 43 games, there were four primary starters (Jenkins, Bill Hands, Ken Holtzman and Dick Selma) who started all but 16 games that year. The number of starts for the quartet is impressive: Jenkins 42 starts, Hands 41, Holtzman 39, Selma 25. The Cubs used 17 pitchers that season.

Wouldn’t it be wise to point out that, since teams went with four starters back at that time, one would expect them to carry one fewer pitcher than current teams do with five starters? So, carrying 10 pitchers during Jenkins’ era was like carrying 11 pitchers today. And sometimes the Cubs DO carry only 11 pitchers. And, really, 11 and 12 are pretty close numbers, right?

In the Thursday game when the Cubs ran out of infielders and put Koyie Hill at third, was any thought given to moving Aaron Miles from second to third and bringing Alfonso Soriano in from left field to play second?
– Pete V., Xenia, Ohio

Yep. Right after the trapeze artists, but just before the motorcycles drive around on the inside of that giant, spherical cage.

CARRIE: Yes re: Soriano, but Hill has been taking grounders at third for more than a week and was better prepared for the move. I haven’t seen Soriano take grounders at second this year.

But we’ve already established that you don’t actually watch baseball.

How many of the last 10-20 World Series winners were in first place on April 30 of that year? Just wondering, because there seems to be a lot of downers about the Cubs, and I still believe they can win this year.
– Jamie G., Naperville, Ill.

And what makes you believe that? The fact that they’re not even 1/5th of the way through the season? The fact that they’ve already been riddled with injuries to key players? Or the fact that several of their players have vastly underperformed?

CARRIE: I checked back to Piniella’s 1990 Cincinnati Reds, and since then, 11 of the last 18 World Series champions have been in first (including one tie — the 2006 Cardinals). The biggest deficit was 6 1/2 games, which the 2002 Angels overcame. Piniella’s Reds had the largest lead at 4 1/2 games.

World Series Champions’ records on April 30

2008 Philadelphia Phillies: 15-13, half-game back

2007 Boston Red Sox: 16-8, 3 1/2-game lead.

2006 St. Louis Cardinals: 17-8, tied for first.

2005 Chicago White Sox: 17-7, 1 1/2-game lead.

2004 Boston Red Sox: 15-6, three-game lead.

2003 Florida Marlins: 14-15, four games back.

2002 Anaheim Angels: 11-14, 6 1/2 games back.

2001: Arizona Diamondbacks: 13-12, two games back.

2000 New York Yankees: 15-8, 1 1/2-game lead.

1999 New York Yankees: 14-7, 2 1/2-game lead.

1998 New York Yankees: 17-6, half-game lead.

1997 Florida Marlins: 15-10, four games back.

1996 New York Yankees: 13-10, half-game lead.

1995 Atlanta Braves: 4-1, one-game lead.

1993 Toronto Blue Jays: 13-10, 2 1/2 games back.

1992 Toronto Blue Jays: 16-7, two-game lead.

1991 Minnesota Twins: 9-11, four games back.

1990 Cincinnati Reds: 13-3, 4 1/2 game lead.

So, about 61% of the World Series winners were in first place at the end of April. Of course, 100% of the World Series winners were in first place at the end of September. You know. When it mattered.

CORRECTION: Last week, Scott J., of San Antonio, Texas, asked what the lowest number was worn by a Cubs pitcher. I said Charley Root, who wore No. 12. But according to a new book, “Cubs by the Numbers,” co-written by Kasey Ignarski, Al Yellon and Matt Silverman, it seems the answer is No. 2.

That’s it, folks. The unholy alliance of Muskat and Yellon is complete. Prophecy states that in nine months, a child will be born that knows so little about baseball, that the MLB will actually implode upon itself, and the game as we know it will cease to exist. And on that day, the brass band that plays in the stands at Wrigley will blow its horns in succession, and a crack will form under Wrigley Field and the earth shall swallow the ballpark whole.

Walt Lanfranconi wore No. 3 when he pitched in relief against the Phillies on Sept. 12, 1941. Seven years later, Tony Jacobs took the mound wearing No. 2, and gave up one run on three hits over two innings in an 8-1 loss at Ebbets Field. He pitched once more, two innings in one game in 1955 for St. Louis, and that was it. The lowest numbered Cubs pitcher to record a win was Johnny “Bear Tracks” Schmitz, who wore No. 7 on Sept. 10, 1941, just prior to Lanfranconi’s game. Schmitz switched to No. 31 the following year. Thanks for the help.

You have to give it to Carrie. When she’s wrong, she’s epically wrong. She didn’t just ignore the existence of one guy. She wiped four humans completely off the planet.