I was thinking yesterday about some embarrassing moments I’ve had during my life as a Cubs fan. Then, I got depressed, and tried to narrow it down to only those embarrassing moments actually related to my Cubs fandom. There are a lot. I’ve been naive. I’ve been foolishly loyal. I’ve been blind to the team’s warts. I’ve been that fan sitting near you at a game that said something so stupid, you actually considered calling an usher over and having me ejected. And I bet most of you have been, too.
So, I decided to make a regular Thursday-night place for us to come and confess our Cubs sins. A safe place where we can get our crimes of the past in check. The Cubs Confessional. Feel free to comment on my sins, confess your own sins, or make fun of someone else’s sins. But I have to get this off my chest.
In 2001, I was sitting next to a guy who started booing the starting pitcher for not running out a ground ball. I vociferously defended that pitcher’s work ethic and integrity, saying that he had done a decent job with the Cubs. That pitcher?
I still think Corey Patterson should have won a Gold Glove over Lassie.
I once drunkenly talked to a 300 pound female bleacher bum for an entire game.
Upside? She gave me one of her sandwiches.
Downside? It wasn’t bologna.
I had seats along the left field line, in the Bartman area. Todd Hollandsworth was with the Dodgers at the time, playing left field that day. He came charging to grab a double down the line. I met him at the ball and spit on him. Direct hit. It took about eight years before I matured and felt bad about it. I still don’t recognize him as ever being a member of the Cubs organization though. Worst Rookie of the Year ever.
I once bought a White Sox jersey. Does that count?
I…I once said Jose Hernandez would be a better offensive shortstop than Derek Jeter. I was 10! He hit 23 homers in 1998!
I thought Felix Pie was gonna be our Grady Sizemore, and An-hell Goozman was gonna be our Pedro Martinez. Someone should brain me with a Garden Weasel.
I was happy when the Cubs signed Ricky Gutierriez. In my defense, I knew he was the only person to get a “hit” (Fuck you Kevin Orie.) off of Kerry Wood during the 20 K game.
I am the proud owner of a Hee Seop Choi Jersey. . . not only that, but in 2004 a man offered me $25 to buy it right off my back ans I turned it down because I was convinced it would become a collector’s item
I own a Nomar Jersey.
I can’t crap
I once thought Carmelo Martinez was going to be a great power hitter based on his performance during his August-September call-up in 1983. I also thought that Rodney Scott (1978) was going to be the Cubs version of Vince Coleman (even though he pre-dated Coleman by seven years). I also believed all of the hype I used to hear from the Cubs broadcasters about every big rookie prospect from Gene Hiser through Gary Scott. After that, I became a little more skeptical, but was still gullible enough to fall for the Hee Sop Choi sales pitch. May God have mercy on my poor, deluded soul.
I also own a Nomar jersey. Not the best financial decision I ever made.
I also bought a road gray Nomar jersey. I say all us Cubs fan plan a date, get a keg and have a public burning of all our jerseys that we bought that turned out to be absolutely terrible decisions.
From approximately 1993 to approximately 1999, I may have worn my fitted Cubs cap backwards while shouting “Let’s Go Cubbies.”
I feel better already.
I was very, very excited the Cubs landed Nomar. Like “
Morphteenaged girl at a Jonas Brothers concert” excited. And when his groin unraveled like a fruit roll-up, for several weeks I convinced myself that Neifi was a godsend to the team.Also, at one point in time I was proud of the “fact” that Cusack was a “die-hard Cubs fan.” Idito.
I once told a Met fan friend of mine: “Hey, it looks like we both have a couple of rising stars. You have that David Wright guy and we have Matt Murton!” I was pretty pissed when he laughed at me.
I used to defend Sammy Sosa.
“Like “
Morphteenaged girl at a Jonas Brothers concert” excited.” WTF?Also, I was very ANGRY that Jason Dubois was never given a real shot in the starting outfield. Like, MAD ANGRY.
some time around March of last year, i said the following, “Rich Hill will win 16 games for the ’08 team.”
Ryan Theriot game me a wet dream once.
I thought Héctor Villanueva was going to put up huge numbers for the Cubs. He ended up putting up huge numbers as a Denny’s customer.
Would I be allowed to bring my Grossman, Benson, and Berrian jersey’s? I buy your jersey, I ruin your career.
I once looked a a guy’s wiener while taking a piss. I mean, really looked.
I still have a Kyle Farnsworth bobble head from 2002. I used to think that guy was the balls.
I was at the game when Chad Kreuter went into the stands.
I left about 10 minutes before it happened.
After walking out of a silent ,pissed off stadium after game 7 of 03′ playoffs I thought I was getting a deal buying a cubs division champions tee-shirt. When I got home I found out why it was so cheap . . . It read Chicago Cubs 2003 N.L. Champions. I couldnt where it , even as a joke. There is nothing funny about playoff games 6 or 7 from 2003 .
Like Jim Hendry, I used to think Michael Barrett could be developed into a quality MLB catcher.
I am a tad older so, this quote is dated. I once stated “Steve Trout will one day win a Cy Young.”
I meant “Morph at a Jewel concert.”
I too.
I just bought a Jim Edmonds jersey because it was 20 bucks and I want to wear it in St. Louis some day.
I enabled my sister-in-law to be an obnoxious Cub-fan stereotype by helping her cheat on a trivia question at Miller Park. (“Name a member of the 1908 Cubs.”)
I want a Steve Ontiveros jersey because he hit a GW home run the day I was born.
I got super-excited about getting Doug Dacenzo’s autograph at Cubs Convention this year.
I went to Cubs Convention this year.
The only Grand Slams he’s getting now is during their breakfast shift.
I’m the guy who was booing Tavarez.
He was throwing a no-hitter at the time.
I’ve fervently believed at least 60% of the above. Considering I’m not quite 30, you can imagine how much of the “in my lifetime” shit I must have swallowed hook, line, and sinker to hit the 60% overall mark.
I’d like to believe that I’ve become a little wiser, maybe sacrificing some enthusiasm in the process, but I’m no longer the sucker I used to be before the cockpunch of ’03. I’m wrong and I know it.
I confess that I’ll be right back at square one with the next glimmer of hope. Damn.
I used to go to Cubs games and root for the Dodgers.
Is that wrong? The Cubs were really lousy!!! LaSorda was Manager!! He was really fun. You could talk to him!!! At the game!! There was maybe 1000 people at the game!! We bought bleacher seats and sat right behind the Dodgers dugout.
I’ve always felt a little disloyal because of that.
I saw you today in the Loop with your Edmonds jersey on, didn’t I?? I saw SOMEBODY today with an Edmonds jersey on!!
For a tenth of a second, I once doubted BOBBY SCALES.
I thought the Cubs could beat the Braves in 98 (why are 11 year olds so stupid?) , thought they would beat the Marlins in 03, was sure they”d win A GAME against the D-Bags, and convinced they’d win the World Series last year……
Oh, and I once thought that it would’ve been a good idea to bring back Sosa. Im sorry
I thought David Kelton was gonna be starter for 10 years
In 2003, it is rumored that I once said something along the lines of, “Dusty has been there before, he knows what he’s doing.”
Also, when I was a youngster, I got Ronnie Woo Woo’s autograph. It was embarrassing when I had to tell the kids at school I missed because I got hepatitis.
Other than these things, I’ve been dead on balls accurate about the Cubs. Oh no wait, I was also pumped about the acquisition of Candy Maldonado.
I own an “In Dusty We Trusty!” shirt. To be fair, I think it was my brother’s.
I thought Juan Pierre was fucking awesome. I even had a Juan Pierre shirt.
Did I mention that the Julian Tavarez start that Kerm is referring to was also Fred McGriff’s debut with the Cubs? And that I was actually excited about it?
I once thought that when my 1989 NL Eastern Division Champions plaque fell to the ground during a Cubs/Braves series in 1992…that it somehow was responsible for the Cubs’ offensive ineptitude for the remainder of the series…I didn’t realize that it was probably Glavine, Liebrandt, and Smoltz just dominating an inept offense. The Cubs didn’t score one run for four complete games.
I once convinced myself that an outfield featuring Willie Wilson and Candy Maldonado could win a division.
I once convinced myself that Jerome Walton would get out of his slump in 1990.
I once convinced myself that the Cubs and Sox were definitely going to play each other in the 1991 World Series.
I once argued that Mark Grace was better than Frank Thomas…okay, not once…many times.
I also yelled at Ryan Dempster prior to a game in 2006 that he should buy Glendon Rusch a Slim-Fast…without realizing that Rusch a life-threatening blood clot…AWKWARD!
I turned my back on the Cubs in my adolescent and teenage years and cheered for the Cardinals.
“I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for. “
And you didn’t even mention the time he was with the Rockies and you shouted from the LF bleachers?
“Hey Todd, it’s me, your gay lover! I just got back from the doctor. Turns out I got full blown AIDS so you better get yourself checked out! Not so much the needles as it was the gay butt sex!”
I was, too.
There is absolutely no shame in that, sir. Even guys who knew he sucked were happy to have him on the Cubs, solely so he couldn’t hit .683 with seven homers and 22 RBIs against us every year.
As for me, I once convinced myself that Amaury Telemaco was closer material, if only the bastards in the dugout would give him a chance…
Oh, and does stuff you did as a kid count? Because if so, I once got WAY too excited about getting Steve Lake’s autograph after a game in 1985…
On Friday, May 8th, as Aramis Ramirez lay clutching his shoulder..I uttered, for the first time, “Damn, I wish we’d kept Mark DeRosa”.
All through Mark Prior’s first year, I spoke constantly of “the chutzpah that dude has”. Two things. First, I’m a fairly Waspy dude who grew up in a Waspy area, so saying “chutzpah” is a punchable offense in the first place. Second, you know, all the riveting footage of ol’ Guts and Glory Prior really whipping the hell out of that towel he was using to simulate throwing a baseball in simulations of simulated games.