Dolan Penetrates the Muskbox

Posted by Guest
Posted on May 6, 2009

As a favor to me, and because he’s secretly in love with Carrie Muskat, Andy Dolan of Desipio takes his swings at the dumbest Q&A this side of Dave Kaplan’s show. This week’s Muskbox will be covered in due time.

Last week, the Kerms were in lovely Mexico where they routinely vacation. They go there for two reasons. They have a time share in beautiful Mexico City, which is like Milwaukee only with dirtier air and slightly hairier women. In fact, both are on the list of the ten worst cities in the world. So while they were down there risking melanoma and lung cancer and swallowing baggies of heroin, the Muskbag was left unattended.

Remember when I was in Florida a couple of years ago getting married and Kermit filled in at Desipio? Of course you don’t, nobody remembers that, it’s not important, but if I were nice I’d have offered to fill in for Kermit while he was hanging with his BFFs Spencer and Heidi.

If I had done that, maybe Carrie wouldn’t have pulled the shit she did last week. It’s my fault. So, a week late, let’s see what she did.

Are the Cubs concerned about Derrek Lee? I don’t think he’s a viable hitter in the No. 3 spot. He seems to hit into a ton of double plays and does not hit for much power anymore. Does this have to do with his wrist injury from a few years back and is it time to give Micah Hoffpauir a chance since he is younger and a lefty?
– Ryan H., Vincennes, Ind.

You would think Carrie would start off with a strong question, but instead we get this. First off, Lou’s been batting Derrek cleanup lately (which might actually be worse than third), secondly, he hasn’t hit into a single double play all season (of course, when all you do is hit lazy flyballs to shallow left and to Matt Murton’s money spot ‘deep short’, the only way that ends up a double play is if Manny Alexander comes back to the squad). But honestly, if Lee is still suffering the after effects of a wrist injury from three years ago he should have had the Samuel L. Jackson role in “Unbreakable.” By the way, Carrie will not like that you picked on her palsie, Derrek.

CARRIE: For the zillionth time, Lee’s wrist injury is not an issue. What could be a problem, though, is the bulging disc in his back, which forced him out of Sunday’s game in St. Louis. It sidelined him for about a week in May 2007 and again a few days last year. With Lee, Milton Bradley, and Aramis Ramirez out with injuries, Lou Piniella has had to juggle his lineup and, right now, Kosuke Fukudome is the hot bat and doing well in the three-hole. How about a 3-4-5 combo of Fukudome-Ramirez-Bradley followed by Lee? All I know is that Piniella has been scribbling lots of possibilities, and the only thing set is Alfonso Soriano at leadoff and the pitcher batting ninth.

Hah! She showed you, Ryan H! Ya’ll just got served! How does that Musk taste? See, it’s not an injured wrist that’s slowing Derrek down it’s…uh…it’s his back, for the third year in a row. See, that is so much better. You must feel pretty dumb now. Snap!

As an LSU alum and a longtime Cubs fan, I’m thrilled to see the double-play combination of Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. I was curious to know if any other MLB teams had members of a College World Series championship team on their Opening Day rosters?
– Checo C., Murphysboro, Ill.

We should have known you went to LSU when we saw that you don’t even know how to spell Chico. Besides, what the fuck are you doing in Murphysboro, there isn’t even a Home Depot there, so what parking lot do you stand in to try to get work? As for your question, how about you spoon up a big bowl of who gives a shit? You want to know if any other teames have College World Series champions on their rosters. Seriously? How about something just as relevant, like how many teams had players on their opening day rosters with an active herpes lesion? How many teams had players on their opening day rosters who have “Let the Dogs Out?” How many teams had players on their opening day rosters who can’t fucking spell Chico?

CARRIE: Other teams have had two players from CWS teams, but so far no research has shown any other team with a middle-infield combo. Third baseman Tom Satriano and first baseman Dan Ardel played for the California Angels on Sept. 27, 1961; both had played together on the USC 1961 College World Series team. First baseman Ron Fairly and third baseman John Werhas played together on the ’64 Dodgers and were teammates on USC’s 1958 national title team. Theriot and Fontenot won the CWS crown in 2000 with the Tigers.

Hey, Carrie, that wasn’t his question. He just wanted a list of players who played on College World Series champions who made opening day rosters. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Tom Satriano, Dan Ardel, Ron Fairly and John Werhas weren’t on opening day rosters this season. Actually, I think Dan Ardel might have been on the Nats’ roster, and why not he’s only 67, and he played seven big league games in 1961 so he’s well rested.

When are they making up the St. Louis game that was postponed on April 19?
– Craig B., Grandview, Ill.

Honestly, what’s worse, the assholes who ask the schedule questions or the fact that Carrie answers them? Jesus Christ on a cracker, Craig B. from Grandview, Illinois does your family tree have any branches or does it just go straight up? You apparently know how to access the Interwebs, and Cubs.com, and you can’t figure out how to click on the fucking schedule? I hope a tornado hits your house and it lands tires up.

CARRIE: Anyone who had tickets for the game between the Cubs and Cardinals, which was postponed because of rain, can use those tickets for the makeup game to be played July 12 at 12:05 p.m. CT. All tickets for the postponed game will be honored at the gates for the early game on July 12, which is the first of a day-night doubleheader. There is no need for fans to exchange tickets. However, if you are unable to attend the July 12 makeup game, you may request a refund by sending your tickets to the Wrigley Field ticket office at 1060 W. Addison Street, Chicago, IL, 60613, or by visiting the Wrigley Field ticket windows during business hours.

All refunds must be requested before May 31. The Cubs will announce an on-sale date for refunded tickets shortly after May 31. The makeup game scheduled for July 12 at 12:05 p.m. is now part of a day-night, separate admission doubleheader. The regularly scheduled game will follow at 7:05 p.m. CT. The tickets from Sunday’s game will not be honored for the night game.

Blah, blah, blah. Here’s what Carrie’s trying to say. Instead of having a real doubleheader where you go in once, pay once and see two games, the Cubs want you to show up at noon then get the hell out of the park, so they can find 40,000 other dopes to pay for the next game that day. The only person allowed to stay between games is Al Yellon, so that nobody steals the 27 inch wide piece of plywood he’s parked his side pocketed coulottes on for two decades.

Ryan Dempster has an unusual habit of flicking his glove hand before he delivers the ball. Is this just a nervous habit? When did he develop this? I can think of no other Major League pitcher who does this.
– Thomas C., Franklin, Ind.

Yes, it’s a nervous habit, it’s actually a lot better than the one he has for playoff games, during those he soils his pants before each pitch, most of them balls. Or homers.

CARRIE: Dempster actually started it last year as a timing device and a way to hide his grip.

Yeah, it’s a timing device, because without it, he’d forget when to let go of the ball and just roll off the mound like Rex Grossman going after a fumbled snap.

Mitch Williams wore No. 99 while on the Phillies. What number was the highest number worn by a Cubs pitcher? What was the lowest? I’ve seen Mike Hampton wear No. 11, which seems low for a pitcher.
– Scott J., San Antonio

Is this you, Yellon? Don’t fuck with the Muskbag! Judging by the fact that Amazon says you’ve only sold three copies of your tremendous tome about Cubs’ numbers, this kind of pointless question just seems like that kind of pathetic attention grab you’d resort to. Nobody gives a shit what the highest or lowest number a Cubs pitcher has ever worn.

CARRIE: The highest number for a Cubs pitcher was No. 96, worn by Bill Voiselle in 1950. The highest by a Cubs player was No. 99, which Todd Hundley wore in 2001. I believe Charley Root, who won 201 games for the Cubs, has the lowest number for a pitcher at No. 12, which he wore in 1932. He pitched for the team from 1926-41, but ’32 was the first year the Cubs began wearing numbers on their jerseys. The first No. 1 for the team was infielder Woody English.

Wait, you mean nobody’s worn a number higher than 99? What about Hector Villaneuva, didn’t he wear 332? I mean there was enough room for it. Besides, everybody knows that Tommy Jacobs, old number two (and he played like it) pitched in a game in 1948. Holy shit, just leave these for Hartig, you’re just making a mess of things.

Has anyone asked Greg Maddux if he will enter the Hall of Fame as a Cub, Brave or what? I was Greg’s English teacher at Valley High School in Las Vegas.
– Ken Z., Las Vegas, Nev.

Oh, so you’re the douchebag who is responsible for Greg not knowing what gerund is. Nice job. Also, I like how you gave three options for Greg, he could be inducted as a Cub, a Brave or a what? If I were him, I’d go with what, they have the coolest hats.

CARRIE: It’s not up to the player, it’s up to the Hall of Fame.

Uh oh, Ken, Carrie’s getting snippy. One sentence.

Where does Aramis Ramirez rank among all-time walk-off home run leaders? I heard that his homer on April 18 put him ahead of Manny Ramirez as the all-time leader. Is this true?
– Adrian S., Chicago

This is a good question. Finally. I’d be interested in finding out who has hit the most walk-off homers in history. Is it Babe Ruth? Hank Aaron? Jim Leyritz? Wait, Leyritz just hits people in crosswalks.

CARRIE: Aramis has four, Manny has three.

Nice job, Carrie. Now how about you answer the fucking question? He wanted to know where he ranked among the all-time leaders. Your answer implies, through sheer laziness and shitty writing, that E-ramis’ four are the most ever. And that Manny’s three are second all-time. This is likely false. Maybe that sparrow who nests in your hair bun pecked a little medulla oblongata? Might want to have that checked.

My girlfriend asked me if there has ever been a pitcher who could throw with both arms. I had no idea and was hoping you might be able to settle this for us.
– Clayton L., Eau Claire, Wis.

Clayton, it’s pretty clear that one or more of these things are true:

a) You don’t have a girlfriend and just want to play pretend
b) This dumbass question is yours and you know it’s lame so you’re blaming it on your imaginary girlfriend
c) People in Eau Claire are drinking paint thinner again

You know what pitchers can throw with both arms? All of them except Jim Abbott and Dave Dravecky. Your vaguely worded horseshit question basically wonders if they’ve ever thrown a ball with their less dominant arm. You didn’t even bother to ask if they’ve pitched with both arms. I’m sending Greg W. Harris over to your house and he’s going to kick your ass with both legs.

CARRIE: Tony Mullane, who pitched in the 1880s and ’90s, wore no glove and would face the batter with both hands on the ball before throwing it. Greg Harris used both arms when he pitched one inning of scoreless relief for the Montreal Expos on Sept. 28, 1995, against the Cincinnati Reds. He faced four batters — two as a right-hander, two as a lefty. There is a switch-throwing pitcher in the Yankees’ Minor League system now, Pat Venditte Jr. He did so for Creighton’s baseball team in 2006 and wore a glove that had two thumb holes and four finger holes. Venditte would have to declare which way he was going to pitch before each batter stepped into the box. If he was facing a switch-hitter, one of the Creighton coaches would signal to Venditte which arm to use, based on scouting reports. He was drafted by the New York Yankees and, last year, posted an 0.83 ERA in 30 games. This season Venditte is pitching for Class A Charleston and is listed as a right-hander.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What? Huh? My favorite part of this answer is that Pat Vinditte Jr. (and we all know how famous Pat Vinditte Sr. is) needs a signal from the bench to know which hand to throw with. It’s so hard to remember to pitch lefty to the lefties and righty to the righties. Next year they’re going to write it on his arm to speed things up.

Every time Fukudome gets on first base, Matt Sinatro is seemingly telling him all sorts of information. How much English does Fukudome speak? Or, did Sinatro learn Japanese?
– Joel Y., Chicago

Why Joel, we have a transcript of Sunday’s game when Kosuke reached first on a walk early in the game.

Sinatro: Good job Fukky. Good eye.
Kosuke: Huh?
Sinatro: OK, we got one out. Watch out for Nolasco’s move, it’s pretty good.
Kosuke: Huh?
Sinatro: Anything on the ground you are running, don’t commit on a liner.
Kosuke: Huh?
Sinatro: Holy crap, check out the tits on that blonde over there.
Kosuke: Yeah and she just eye fucked the shit out of me! Banzai!

CARRIE: Fukudome knows enough English to understand Sinatro, who says he’s not fluent in Japanese.

He’s not? Shit, I thought Sinatro could speak five or six languages. Even if one of them isn’t English.

Micah Hoffpauir homered off Micah Owings on April 21. Just wondering how many times a Micah has homered off a Micah in Major League history?
– Courtney W., Quincy, Ill.

You didn’t really wonder that. You don’t give a shit. Nobody gives a shit about this, not even either of the Micah’s gives a shit about this. You just knew that this is the kind of obvious question that Carrie always crams in her Muskbox.

CARRIE: That was believed to be the first time.

It’s believed to be the first time? Why do you even do this if you’re going to be this lazy? It took me all of three minutes to prove this, not to mention the fact that Len Kasper and Pat Hughes both commented on this during that game.

In Major League Baseball history only four men named Micah have ever played. Micah Bowie, Micah Franklin, Micah Owings and Micah Hoffpauir. Bowie only got four hits in his career, no homers. Franklin hit two homers but never faced Bowie. So that leaves the current Micah’s, and since Hoffpauir has never pitched, the only way it could have ever happened was the one you saw with your own stigmatism. Hoffpauir hitting it off of Owings.

Way to phone this Muskbag in, Carrie. I don’t know how Kermit does it. I just did one and I feel dumber for the effort.

Cubs, Muskbox

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