Hi to the greatest group of overemployed literates this side of the San Francisco Bay! It’s me, Skip.

Lou sent me a quick e-mail this morning, and I thought I’d help him out:

From: Lou Piniella [mailto:sweetunclelou@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 11:29 AM
To: Jim Essian [mailto:skip@hirejimessian.com]
Subject: Roundup

Essian,

No, nothing new has opened up here, for Christ’s sake. Hey, I’ve got my hands full this afternoon with that prick LaRussa in town drinking all my red wine, Larry Vanover running Milton Bradley and us out of fucking games, our fucking asshole pitchers not throwing fucking strikes and getting their asses kicked. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and Bad Kermit won’t stop calling me reminding me about this fucking roundup.

Meanwhile, we have douchebags that write stories about how Wrigley Field resembles Jim Crow’s Alabama because fans have been hard on black players who suck at baseball, and I am still opening old mail from that gladhanding sonofabitch mayor governor who’s going to be getting ass raped in prison soon. Turns out that fucking guy wants to manage this fucking club. “Have I thought about batting Soriano third?” Well, shit, Blago, had you been paying any attention to games? I had batted Soriano third a few times. What an asshole!�� I have Blagojevich on my shitlist, and Gordon Wittenmyer. And Bad Kermit. And Larry Vanover. And Kevin Gregg, who’s driving me to drink … more. And Bad Kermit who keeps bothering me with texts and pleas for me to write his goddam roundups. And editorial cartoonist Jack Higgins who compared me to Blago. See, we have agame and I have a lot of asses to beat.

Oh fuck, I better write out the lineup card.� Anyway, can you do the roundup?

Thanks,

Lou

I guess it hasn’t been the best of weeks for Lou, but it’s still early in the season, buddy. Just stand on the top step of the dugout and clap a little! There’s plenty of things to smile about! To wit:

• Rod Blagojevich wrote that letter to you on May 31, 2007. I’m sure Blago fantasizes about replacing Trammell as your bench coach (shudder). But let’s look at what happened since he wrote that letter to you. Lou Piniella has gone 166-118 (including the six playoff losses) and won two division titles. Rod has seen his support in the General Assembly evaporate, his friends and his own dumb ass arrested and indicted and himself thrown out of a job. Advantage: Lou.
• Milton Bradley doesn’t see racists when he comes to Wrigley Field. He does seem to see the location of pitches clearly, however. While Bradley hasn’t been putting the numbers up thus far, it looks like you have a guy who will get the numbers to match his intensity. He’s sort of the anti-Ben Grieve, no?
• The home opener was as good as any the Cubs have had in recent memory.
• The Blackhawks have taken care of 1/16th of their playoff work. Even Dempster likes their chances in the Western Conference.
• The Bulls have made the playoffs and get to face the Celtics minus their best player, Kevin Garnett!
• Finding and intimidating this group of 30 shouldn’t be so hard, Lou.
• You won’t have to contend with any Bears game traffic during your postseason. Unless, of course, you play the Braves or the Reds in October. (Fat chance on the latter.)
• Even The Onion gives a proper sendoff to a gentleman who was at the mic when I made my debut, Harry Kalas.
• Oh, and that “awful, awful baseball player” Alfonso Soriano hit his fifth homer this afternoon to lead the Cubs past the Cards, 8-7. Of Soriano’s five homers, four have put the Cubs in the lead, three times for good. The fifth homer tied the game (in the ninth inning). Two of his go-ahead homers were in the team’s final at-bat. The other two led off the game. Terrible, huh?

So, Lou, order an extra drink tonight and enjoy the victory. You have a big weekend ahead. Enjoy the beautiful weekend, everyone!