Dear Ryan Theriot,
First of all, let me say that I think it’s very cute that you’re in the Major Leagues. Watching you scuttle around out there reminds me of the glory days of watching Will Perdue play basketball. I wasn’t quite sure how or why he was out there, but I rooted for him because I was pretty sure I could beat him in a game of one-on-one. Similarly, I’m amazed that you’re a Major League shortstop. Good for you, champ. But I have one request.
Please stop being dumb.
I’ll be the first to admit that your current .458 average makes me want to love you. Your .533 OBP so far this season is terrific. Heck, thanks to your spectacular BA, you’re even slugging .583 so far, even though you only have three extra-base hits. And all of those extra-base hits are doubles. And probably two of them are “hustle doubles.”
I’m just a little concerned that you’re moving your lips as you’re reading this.
I like the way you always try your hardest, and if there were a Participation Trophy in Major League Baseball, you would be the National League winner every single year. You are the king of “Sportsmanship.” The champion of “Most Improved.” The lord of “Punctuality.”
But I suspect that at one point you have attempted to shove all of those trophies up your nose.
I’m not mad about the fact that you threw to home plate last Friday against the Brewers. Some people agree with you that using your noodle arm to set up a nearly-impossible tag play at home plate was your only chance to send the game into extra innings. I am not one of those people, but I hope I foster and celebrate differences of opinion.
By the way, celebrations are what you have on big-boy occasions like birthdays. Sometimes they even have ponies and clowns there.
Like I said, I’m not mad at you. I just want you to be the best baseball player that can fit into an extra-small baseball uniform. I want you to know the game situations. If you’re straight-stealing a base, I want you to avoid the temptation of staring in at the batter halfway to second base. I don’t want you to get thrown out at third base. Ever. For any reason.
Third base is the base that’s one more than second base, by the way.
I want you to avoid throwing the ball over Derrek Lee’s head like you did on Friday against the Brewers, giving them their first run and causing Rich Harden to throw extra pitches. I don’t think that’s a difficult request. Derrek is twice as tall as you are, and you have to crow-hop to avoid skipping the ball to him.
Yes, skipping like when your dad takes you fishing and you skip stones across the pond.
I wish you wouldn’t do things like call off Alfonso Soriano on a fly ball hit between the two of you in that same game. Quite frankly, you had no chance of making that play, and your call caused Soriano to pull up on the ball.
Although I was impressed that you and Soriano have bridged the Spanish-Cajun language gap.
Finally, I don’t want to suggest that you were at blame instead of Mike Fontenot when someone missed a call in the top of the fourth inning on Friday. Fontenot was caught “stealing” second while you were at the plate, not swinging the bat. I’m sure it’s quite possible that Lou Piniella had Fontenot straight stealing second on a 1-0 fastball count with the team down 2-0 and a “slap-the-ball-through-the-right-side-of-the-infield” hitter like yourself at the plate. Fontenot does, after all, have seven stolen bases in his career. So maybe it was Fontenot that missed the sign, and maybe he is the one to blame for the foul-up.
Maybe. But I wonder… Is that a trophy sticking out of your nose?
Sincerely,
Bad Kermit
Are you serious? First of all ‘open letter to…’ posts make the author look like an attention grabbing idiot, no matter what the content. Secondly Theriot has rarely done anything at all to make Cubs fans hate or even moderately dislike him. He’s done nothing but be a great role player, staying quiet and doing his job about as consistently as anyone can ask. He’ll likely never be an all star, but it’s players like Theriot that make me love the Cubs that much more. I hate seeing posts like this that are just unnecessary. I hope you soon realize that we need players like Theriot and Font just as much as a Ramirez and Z. Go Cubs.
@Pulley – The fact that you lumped Theriot in with Fontenot makes me feel sorry for you.
an open letter to bad kermit
dear bad kermit,
please get a real job.
sincerely,
me
@me –
Dear Ryan,
In the future, please sign your letters to me with your name.
Thank you.
Bad Kermit
Dear “Pulley” and “Me”,
Go stick your heads in a meat grinder. It’s satire.
Love,
Mike
Dear All Of Those Readers Without a Sense of Humor:
Isn’t the fact that The-riot is the size of my 6 year-old son hilarious? C’mon! He has a good 3 or 4 years before he needs to start shaving! One thing my son learned when he was in T-ball, was when they were running the bases at the end of practice they would yell out what base they were touching… maybe that would help our little guy! Also, I’m sure once he’s completely potty trained he’ll be able to steal 2nd base without looking, which I’m sure is just a way to get thrown out before pissing down his leg! Lou needs to stop giving him juice before games. HAHAHA!!!
With fatherly love for the little guy,
Sam
I like the “staying quiet” part. That dude is always hunting for the nearest microphone. Even his teammates thought as much last year with the prank they played on him.
I also love the “consistently ” part. That word doesn’t get said enough in baseball.
Well, I think it’s become quite obvious that with DeRosa gone, Theriot is now the Cub that fans won’t hear a bad word about.
Thank God for the endless supply of overachieving white guys to keep the fan base happy.
What about “An Open Letter From” – does that make BK look like an attention grabbing idiot?
Or is it his hat?
Christ, I guess there’s going to be more weeping and gnashing of teeth when Theriot’s scrappy, mediocre ass gets shipped out of town then there was when The Pulse was dealt. Because he’s David Eckstein, folks. Only not quite as good.
I thought it would have thought it would be Reed Johnson.
If by “good” you mean “white”… Then, yeah. This.
Glad to read something interesting for once..I was reading a post at BCB (shame on me) about the Suntimes article on Racism….Sweet Jesus I wanted to Hulk out on some of those Idoits over there…
hey, Theriot has lots of grit and hustle! and if joe morgan has taught us anything (which he hasn’t) its that those are the two most important parts of a team.
also, when he gets thrown out, he’s not clogging the bases any more, is he? dusty would be proud of him, and so should you.
Get off speed racer’s back. His red socks are cool.
Some people are iditos. Pure iditos.
Nice open letter, Kerm.
@PenFoe – i hate his hat!
@Pulley – I think starting his own blog makes the author look like an attention grabbing idiot.
I’d be really curious to know what you think, Huey.
@PenFoe –
Spider: I thought you said “I’m all right, Spider.”
Tommy: I’m not all right, ya stuttering prick, ya!
Theriot sucks!/No he doesn’t! Fuck you!
See Kerm? This is fun.
He did it AGAIN?!????
WTF? I thought this was kind of a funny story – Theriot is an idiot, hahahahaha. But he does again today?!? In a 5-2 game with nobody out in the ninth, he gets caught stealing third? WTF, people, WTF?
Worst baserunner ever??
Yeah, I was ambivalent about Theriot’s baseball intelligence until the last couple of games. Getting thrown out trying to steal 3rd in the 9th today tore it. Watching Theriot and Fukudome run the bases this season is going to be like watching Woody Page and Skip Bayless argue about dialectical materialism. Forever.
Is your last name “Shine”? Or did you have too much of that while watching the game and mistaking Theriot for that other midget from LSU, Fontenot?
I think this unseasonably cold weather is putting everyone on edge here.
Let me make it worse: I think Derek Lee should be released and Micah Hoffpower should play everyday at first!
According to ESPN’s Play-by-Play the average IQ of the Cubs is 84…
Haha! You are right. I can NEVER get those dang Louisiana types straight. I always mix up the dang Cajun jockeys at Arlington Park, too.
D’oh!
@Mike D. -
Somehow, I am certain Pulley has a Mark Grace jersey and he wears it to every game.
People are seriously defending Theriot? I’ve watched this guy get thrown out so many times it isn’t funny anymore. The Riot may be fast, but he has no base running acumen whatsoever. He takes too many chances and gets thrown out way too much. Theriot’s got the speed to be a leadoff or #2 hitter, but not the baseball smarts to do either. I won’t cry if he ever goes somewhere else. Give me a Jimmy Rollins, Troy Tulowitzki, or Hanley Ramirez any day. I like his little Cajun Hobbit buddy, Fontenot, though. I do miss Mark DeRosa and wasn’t happy about the trade, but only because I think the team will miss DeRosa’s versatility. I know they got Miles, but Miles ain’t no DeRosa.
Where’s the open letter to Neal Cotts? Make sure you tell him to watch out when he’s crossing streets because I plan on pushing him in front of a bus before the season is over. I hate that little turdlet.
Wow, finally someone feels the same way I do. I have hated Theriot from the start and it makes me sick that everyone is always all over his nuts for being amazing. It’s sad because I love the Cubs, but I actually root for him to do poorly. It’s a sickness.
@Chris – I don’t hate him, but I really don’t understand the fawning love for him.
To the writer and all of the haters,
It takes those of you that dont have the ability to voice your opinions about the play of a guy or guys that are where you want to be. Theriot will be the first person to tell you when he made a mistake, and he will be the first one to go out there and try to make sure that it doesnt happen again. Its easy to sit on the sidelines and be a critic, but here is a question for you, do the Cubs want you to be there shortstop or Theriot? Hmm, how about they have been in the works of a contract extension for the past year and have gotten rid of how many other prototype shortstops that havent been able to make an impact. To be the shortstop of the Chicago Cubs, is a great award within itself, just like being the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, or shortstop for the New York Yankees, well he has been the guy for the last 2 seasons. Baseball is a game of learning by failure, which is why you can hit .300 and be a hall of famer. Regardless if he gets singles, doubles, triples or homers, the point of the game is to score more runs than the team in the other dugout, well he does that.
You said you dont hate him, but you dont understand the fawning love for him….how about this, how many guys playing the game right now in a town like Chicago, New York, Boston, Atlanta, or Los Angeles with a deep history can you say play the game as hard, as consistent, or with more passion, than he does. Or how about the way he gives back just as much as he receives from the game. He is a role model, and inspiration. Ryan being 5’10″ 180lbs doesnt measure the size of his heart. He plays the game the right way, and thats with respect for those before you, those to follow you, and with 100% nonstop, so while you can sit infront of your computer or in the stands, just remember one thing, you arent half the baseball player he was when he was the shortstop for the YBBR 11/12 yr old Yankees. I have been along side of him since we were lil leaguers in Baton Rouge, and he has always been criticized for not being 6’3″ or not being the best, but hmm, he helped lead Broadmoor High to 3 District Titles and Quarterfinal appearances, 2 Summer League World Series Championships, NCAA National Championship with LSU, a 2001 3rd Round draftee of the Cubs in 2001, oh and for schilltz and giggles, back to back NL Central Championships with the Chicago Cubs. So in closing, remember if you were better at what he does, then why arent you doing what he does instead of writing about it. And yes, Ryan Theriot is not only my best friend but also my brother.
@TD – “Well, he’s better than YOU are” remains the stupidest fucking argument in the history of sports arguments.
@TD – Last time I talked about my brother, I called him by his first name, Barack. Not his last name. I’m sure you’re his brother.
It’s the Rob Dibble method of argument: “You weren’t a big leaguer, so you can’t criticize them.”
He then goes on to bash movies, music, etc.
Last time I talked to MY brother, I also called him by his first name: Indiana!
LOL!