So, wait, you Catholics are forced to eat meat now, right? Or you have do drink blood, or something? Well, whatever you have to do, have fun doing it. Mike D. sent me this picture of our cars getting dropped off at Wrigley. I’m not sure why they needed a truck. They should have just driven them all over in the back of Soriano’s ride. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup:

• Who cares if it’s written by George Castle? This cover kicks ass.
• You can all unbunch each other’s panties. Our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN reports that Geovany Soto only has a flesh wound.
• Speaking of good friends, what the hell is the Daily Herald thinking in not letting their baseball beat reporters cover baseball? If I want insight on the team, I read Bruce Miles and PAUL SULLIVAN. If I wanted boring recaps written by someone with zero insight who sat on the couch and wrote what he saw on TV, I’d visit the shithole that is Bleed Cubbie Blue.
• I know it’s only one game, but how much would our offense change if Kosuke Fukudome was even halfway decent this year?
• It’s time to get into full-on FONTEBONER mode. I hope all the people who bitched about getting rid of Mark DeRosa are feeling pretty stupid. Obviously, Milton Bradley is a massive upgrade in right field, but I also have a strong feeling that Mike Fontenot will produce nearly as well or better than DeRosa does this year. And I also predict that he will fill 1/4 of the void left by Daryle Ward as HJE‘s Favorite Cub.^TM
• In case you weren’t yet aware of this fact, Hal Steinbrenner is a loudmouth idiot.
• Let me tell you, there’s nothing more disturbing than Crane Kenney walking up to you in a pirate hat with an eyepatch on and saying, “Want a little Captain in you?”
• Anyone who has ever been to Wrigley Field should understand why no one likes our wieners.
• Alfonso Soriano selfishly wants to take a week off this season.
• My favorite thing about managing the Chicago Cubs is that it’s an organization rich with tradition.
• You ever wonder what happened to Mark Prior? Apparently, he’s still a Cubs fan.
• Somehow, Bugs & Cranks landed an interview with Fergie Jenkins. Meanwhile, Kermit can’t even get Ronnie Woo-Woo to respond to his e-mails.
• Maybe it’s because Ronnie is an “icon” now.
• Matt Clement finally grows normal facial hair and decides to retire.
• Joba Chamberlain’s arrest tape is funny because it’s not happening to me.
• In case you were wondering how the rest of the “Home-Grown vs. Acquired” teams played out, here they all are in one place.
• Tuffy Rhodes is big in Japan. Literally.
• Here’s a photo gallery that will anger up your anger.
• Without skipping ahead, I’ll give you one guess as to what #1 is.
• Maybe if they didn’t start doing crystal meth at 8:00 a.m., this wouldn’t happen (just read the headline, nod knowingly, and move on).
• How old do you feel knowing that Major League is almost old enough to drink?
• More evidence on why Lenny Dykstra is a dick.
• David Chalk and I strongly dislike a lot of the same people we hate.
• At last, the Chads will have something to do in the bleachers while waiting in line for another “ironic” Old Style.
• Who had New Orleans in the “Where will the zombie outbreak begin?” pool?
• That’s it. I’m moving to the UK.
• All other dogs are sissies when compared with this pooch.

Well, that’s it for me. Matt Sinatro is lost on the way to Milwaukee, so I have to go set up some signal flares outside the park.

-Sweet Uncle Lou