Every day is “Pick on Phil Rogers” Day at HJE, so this will be no exception. As you know, in early February Phildo predicted the Houston Astros were planning a “sneak attack” on the Cubs. This is, of course, inordinately stupid. But after the Cubs beat the Astros last night to win their first opening series since they beat the Mets in 2003, let’s spend this Thursday trying to unravel what, exactly, their “sneak attack” strategy is.
- Going with a one-man rotation. That man? Roy Oswalt.
- Praying for a hurricane to hit Chicago.
- Dressing Evan Longoria in a Jeff Keppinger jersey.
- Putting together clever middle-of-the-orders so Len Kasper can make jokes like, “I’ll have a BLT. Berkman, Lee, and Tejada.”
- Praying that Kaz Matsui can be as good as Kosuke Fukudome.
- Paying Aramis Ramirez to knock their opponents’ runs off the scoreboard instead of just knocking off whatever he wants to.
- Getting individual buffet tables for both Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee.
- Getting 30 starts out of Mike Hampton.
- Inviting George and Barbara Bush to come to every single home game.
- Finally breaking the color barrier in Houston.
What do you think the plan is for the Astros’ sneak attack? Let everyone know in the comments.
Petitioning for the game to be replaced by a hot-dog eating contest.
Using Hurricane Ike as an excuse….all season.
Changing the name of Minute Maid Park back to Enron Field in hopes of the Cubs bus getting lost on the way to the park.
Erecting retractable Crawford Boxes around the entire outfield for use in the bottom half of innings.
After they signed Pudge I honestly thought the L’Astros might show up this season. Seeing Cooper bat him 2nd for an entire series while watching Pudge give off a dazed look like the Hypnotoad is on the mound any time a pitch with movement goes a foot off the plate quickly ended that thought.
I’d pay money to watch a Mule fight a Puma. Or El Caballo fight Fat Elvis. It would be ten times more entertaining than Cecil Cooper go with a strategy of starter by committee.
Have any of Dr. Phil’s predictions actually been right? The man’s incompetent…
Koyie Hill is my favorite lobster.
I guess their sneak attack is looking like they suck, but somehow not actually sucking? So far that doesn’t seem to have worked all that well beyond the first part.
Bill Parcells told me that since Fukudome is a “sneaky Jap” (direct quote), he sensed what was afoot and was able to prevent the sneak attack, which was planned and led by the sinister and Japanese Kaz Matsui.
Those pro sports insiders get all the good dirt.
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan is going to distract Z while the Honkytonk Man sneaks up and smashes him over the head with his guitar. The fatal flaw? No way a balsa wood guitar is going to be enough to take Z down, not when he breaks several bats over his own head each morning, just for fun, so he will just get angry and start posing for the crowd.
You kidding? Their sinister plan is to have Ichabod Pence tell everyone the story of the headless shortstop…scary stuff.