Phil Rogers is out of his goddamn mind. In his first Power Rankings of the season, he ranks Shea Stadium’s big apple as #7. Even MetsMan1980 knows that the apple is at best a fifteen seed. Rogers also ranks “Greed” in his MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL POWER RANKINGS. So, we’re left with 32 slots for 30 teams. Dumb. But if Phildo can do it, so can HJE. So, without further ado, here are HJE‘s first Power Rankings of the 2009 season:

  1. The Color Green. Green is the color of the grass on baseball fields, the Oakland Athletics, and Mike Quade’s underwear.
  2. Jay Cutler. Is Cutler the piece the Cubs need to finally make it to the World Series?
  3. The brims of Lou Piniella’s and Milton Bradley’s hats. Which is flatter? And are either flatter than the back of Kevin Gregg’s head?
  4. Neal Cotts missing his plane from Houston. Take a shower, dude.
  5. The letter “s.” Without it, you can’t spell “Cubs,” “sweep,” or “Series.”
  6. Dusty Baker. Please stay in the NL Central.
  7. Milton Bradley’s high-five. Thanks to RV for the image:




  8. Koyie Hill’s fingers. If I were him, I would have asked the doctor to sew a mini chainsaw to my hand.
  9. Luis Vizcaino. I like him as long as he’s buried in the deepest bowels of the bullpen.
  10. 1995. The last year the Cubs started a season 2-0. Seriously.
  11. The Lost island. It made John Locke walk. Can it heal Geovany Soto’s shoulder?
  12. Alfonso Soriano’s moon shot. Scheduled to land on Friday at 1:18 CST.
  13. The NL Central standings. First place!
  14. Phil Rogers getting locked in the Houston press box and left behind. Hopefully he’s handcuffed to Muskat at the time.
  15. Jose Valverde’s “showmanship.” Take it to Broadway, fancy pants. You’ll be fatter than Alfonseca in three seasons.
  16. This picture of Lance Berkman.





    Thanks to Poon for the tip.
  17. Ryan Theriot getting caught stealing. It’s so cute when the little guy tries to turn his singles into doubles.
  18. The umpiring crew. When they’re not demanding to be the center off attention by yelling, “STRI-YEEEEEEEEEEEK!” they’re blowing calls at first and third.
  19. My Neifiball rotation. Jeff Suppan, Jason Marquis, Bronson Arroyo, Brian Moehler, Joe Blanton, Dave Bush, Kyle Davies, Jose Contreras, Jarrod Washburn, and Brandon Backe when he gets back.
  20. Leaving Houston. The only thing better than beating Houston.