If there’s one thing I hate more than people who are famous just for being famous, it’s already-famous people who try to be doubly famous for things at which they absolutely suck. Like Michael Jordan playing baseball. Or Shaquille O’Neal rapping. Or Russell Crowe acting. Number 58 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time is exactly that kind of douche. You may think Bronson Arroyo is nothing more than a Major League pitcher. But you don’t know the whole story.






On February 24, 1977, in Key West, Florida, a child was born who would change the way we think about baseball and music forever. Born Bronson Anthony Arroyo on an alligator ranch into a family of eighteen brothers and sisters, Bronson’s life was a challenge from day one. Bronson’s birth made his mother sterile, and forced the children to take up jobs as singing scorecard vendors outside the local baseball stadium. That’s where Bronson discovered his two passions: music and baseball.

Success in music didn’t come until far later in life for young Bronson, but success in baseball came early. Bronson was drafted by the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 3rd round of the 1995 amateur draft. He made his Major League pitching debut on June 13, 2000, starting and pitching five innings in a 7-6 Pirate win over the Atlanta Braves. Tragically, Bronson did not get credit for the win, sending him into a month-long tailspin which saw him lose his first three Major League decisions on his way to finishing the season with a 2-6 record.

Bronson was angry. He was depressed. He was on a downward spiral with no hope of breaking out. He put idiotic cornrows in his hair. His stupid high leg kick become more and more exaggerated. He started wearing ironic t-shirts and introducing himself to girls at bars not by saying, “I’m a Major League pitcher,” but rather, “I’m in a band.” And then, someone came into Bronson’s life and turned his life around.

The Chicago Cubs.

On days when Bronson would face the Cubs, he was magnificent, posting a 7-6 career record with a 3.18 ERA. He struck out 72 Cub batters in 104 2/3 innings while walking only 29.

His carried his new found relationship with the Cubs to Boston when he was selected off waivers by the Red Sox in February of 2003. Only one season later, he was on top of the world, winning the World Series with the Red Sox.

But in 2006, Bronson was traded to the hapless Cincinnati Reds in exchange for Wily Mo Pena. The trade would have ruined most pitchers, as the Reds were near the bottom of the National League Central. But the trade back to the National League gave Bronson a chance to reconnect with his favorite opponent. The Chicago Cubs.

Inspired by his old friends, Bronson had the best year of his career in 2006, pitching a remarkable 240 2/3 innings while going 14-11 with a 3.29 ERA. Bronson was elected to the All-Star Game, and even garnered an MVP vote.

With the encouragement of the Cubs, Bronson transposed his success on the mound to success with his music, releasing an album of covers and providing vocals for “Tessie” by the Dropkick Murphys. His relationship with the Cubs even helped Bronson survive the rigors of pitching for manager Dusty Baker, who took over the Reds prior to the 2008 season. He was inducted to the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time on April 2, 2009. At his acceptance speech, Bronson thanked three people: his mother, his God, and the Chicago Cubs.

Behind the Box Score: On April 5, 2006, in Bronson’s first start against the Cubs since his return to the National League, Bronson allowed only 3 runs and struck out 7 Cub hitters in 6 2/3 innings of work at the Great American Ballpark. But that wasn’t what made the day memorable for Bronson. Bronson led off the third inning against Cub pitcher Glendon Rusch with his team down 2-1. Not content to let his offense do the work for him, Bronson hit an 0-2 pitch into the stands to tie the game at 2-2. The Reds would go on to beat the Cubs 8-6.

Bronson’s very next start was against the Cubs on April 11, 2006, this time at Wrigley Field. Opposing him again was Rusch. Bronson was even better than he had been the week before. He pitched 7 innings of 6-hit, shutout baseball. Again, Bronson led off the third inning against Rusch, this time with his team leading 2-0. Again, Bronson homered off Rusch. The Reds eventually won the game 9-2. To this date, half of Bronson’s career home runs are off the Cubs. Specifically, Glendon Rusch.

Behind the Website: Like all of the douchebags on the 2004 Red Sox, Bronson remains obsessed with his place in Red Sox history. The introduction to his website doesn’t contain a single picture of Bronson’s days as a Pirate or a Red, even though he has made many more starts with the Reds than he did with the Red Sox. The description of Bronson’s site from Google is also very telling. Bronson is nothing if not classy. Also, unshowered.