This is the moment you have all been waiting for. This week’s Muskbox is informative, it’s entertaining, it’s exciting, it’s the opposite of everything we’d expect from the Muskbox, and it’s right in front of you. Maybe. Just maybe. Cubs fans are become sentient.

How long do you think Lou Piniella will give Kosuke Fukudome to produce? He was clearly frustrated last year and surprised everyone by playing him in the playoffs. Fukudome was the worst hitter on the Japan team and benched for the championship game [in the World Baseball Classic], so it doesn’t appear he’s straightened anything out. Piniella will start him, but how long will he give him a chance before he pulls the plug?
– Jim O., Twin Lakes, Ill.

That’s a good question, Jim, and it’s nice to see that you’re actually from Illinois, home of the Chicago Cubs. Let’s see how Carrie responds.

CARRIE: I went ahead and asked Lou Piniella whether or not he was going to have a quick hook on Fukudome, and Lou told me that he’ll be patient. However, based on my experience with the Cubs and considering Piniella’s impatience, I’d expect Reed Johnson to get more playing time in center if Fukudome falters. As Piniella said Sunday, Johnson “didn’t come here this spring to share a job. He came here to take a job.” Fukudome has said he expects better results in his second season in the Major Leagues. We haven’t seen it yet this spring. You’re right that Fukudome didn’t start in the World Baseball Classic finale, but that was partly because Korea started a left-handed pitcher. Due to the release point of a left-handed pitcher and the break of the ball away from a left-handed batter, it’s generally more difficult for a left-handed batter to hit a left-handed pitcher.

Wait a minute. Someone asked Carrie a question about Lou, and she actually went ahead and asked Lou the answer directly? Like a real reporter? And then she explained something about the game of baseball that a more casual fan might not understand?

If Rule 5 Draft pick David Patton doesn’t make the Cubs’ Opening Day roster, do they lose his rights since he was taken in the Major League round? And is it true that he’s never played above the high-A level? This spring, it looks like Patton has been very good.
– Paul C., Earlham, Iowa, Illinois

Wow. The first two people in the Muskbox have not only asked coherent and intelligent questions, but they’re also both from Illinois. This is a Muskbox like no other Muskbox.

CARRIE: Yes, they would lose Patton’s rights unless the Cubs make a trade with the Rockies. And it’s correct that he has not pitched above the Class A level. He’s making the decisions tough on who to pick for the bullpen. As of Monday, there were five relievers left for two spots, including Patton.

Wait. Carrie has familiarized herself with the rules of professional baseball, and is applying those rules to a question from someone who might not have the same access to knowledge as she might?

Instead of ambiguously saying that I read something somewhere, I have read on several news sources, including cubs.com and chicagotribune.com, that the Cubs might move to Florida next spring. Is this true?
– Elliott B., Naperville, Ill.

Wow, man. You actually read a rumor on a website and requested a further explanation, or at least a confirmation of the rumor you heard from a source with access to the team? That’s a really good idea.

CARRIE: First of all, I appreciate your question and your interest in the ballclub. However, with Opening Day just around the corner, I feel that this space would be better spent letting you know that the Cubs still have some room to maneuver their roster prior to the start of the season. After the release of Paul Bako earlier this week, their 40-man roster is down to only 36 players. It is likely that the final bullpen arm will be someone already on the 40-man roster, but the empty roster spaces are certainly intriguing.

Wow. Carrie acknowledged that his question was a bit trifling, so she provided us with a nugget of useful and interesting information. This Muskbox is great!

I will be attending the exhibition opener of the new Yankee Stadium. I am completely aware that these games are totally meaningless, and are just a final tune-up for the season as well as a way for the Yankees to sell t-shirts, but out of nothing more than curiosity, have the Cubs said who will start those two games?
– Matt B., Cedar Rapids, Illinois

That’s a pretty fair question. It’s not like Matt B. thinks it matters who is going to start either game, but he is probably just curious to know who he is going to see pitch in the new Yankee Stadium.

CARRIE: Ted Lilly was scheduled to start Friday and Rich Harden on Saturday. However, they will not go deep in the game. I almost typed, “This will be their final regular-season tuneup,” but then I realized that it’s ridiculous to type that, since it’s obvious that there are no other games to be played between those two games and Opening Day.

Wow, Carrie. You were on the brink of writing something just for the sake of watching yourrself write something, and then you caught yourself. Very impressive. Your self-editing in this version of the Muskbox is marvelous.

With the construction at the corner of Addison and Waveland making way for the new Harry Caray’s, I was wondering what will happen with all the memorial bricks? Peeking through the construction fence, I can see they’ve been removed. Any word on where they will be relocated? Also, will there be any concessions for people (like me) who bought bricks early to get into good sections (i.e., Ron Santo’s section), but will now be moved into what I can only assume to be Todd Wellemeyer-esque sections?

Just kidding. I’m not retarded. I don’t seriously think about stupid things like this when the economy is in the shitter.
– Kevin L., Chicago

You got me, Kevin! I totally bought into your “Go Cubbies!” shtick, and then you nailed the punchline. Awesome!

CARRIE: The bricks will be relocated on the corner, and if that’s your brick, you’ll get a letter telling you about the new location. There can’t be a bad spot. I’d take a Wellemeyer section over a Mel Rojas one any day. Or a Wellemeyer cock.

Carrie is showing her playful side and insinuating that she likes men! This is a revelation!

I noticed that most of the Cubs are wearing the old style batting helmets. Is that just for Spring Training or do most players not like the “Airflow” helmets? I have run several Google searches and one Alta Vista search to see if I could find an answer for this question without having to expose the fact that I actually notice things like this, but I came up empty. You are literally my last resort.
– Stewart Y., Bettendorf, Illinois

I’m going to give Stewart a pass on this one. This isn’t as much the weekly “wardrobe” question as it is an equipment question.

CARRIE: The Cubs have discontinued the “Airflow” helmets because they kept breaking. They went through 40-50 helmets last year and have returned to the old style ones because the last thing the Cubs want to do is have to raise your ticket prices just so they can buy more helmets. Also, no red bill on their caps.

That’s actually interesting information to know. Also, no verb in that last sentence.

What does a “simulated game” look like? I’ve always read that somebody pitched in a simulated game, but I can’t imagine how it works. By the way, this question isn’t stupid because I’m six years old and English is my second language.
– Gergely H., Budapest, Illinois

Good for you, Gergely. It’s good to see a young, inquisitive mind asking questions about the great sport of baseball.

CARRIE: It’s basically a way to help the pitcher get his work done in a controlled environment. For example, Harden could go to the back field with three or four hitters, and will throw a certain number of pitches each “inning.” The hitters take turns, and the pitching coach is the umpire and determines whether a batter has made a hit or out. The batters usually don’t run the bases, unless they want the pitcher to work on pitching out of the stretch. As you know, it is impossible for pitchers to pitch out of the stretch when they are just pretending that someone is on base.

Don’t botch this at the very end, Carrie. You’re so close!

With the weather being ugly and cold in Chicago and the season about to start, I’m interested to see how the players handle the freezing conditions. In years past, certain players take several weeks to “heat up.” With so many players from warmer climates, I wondered if the clubs are required to spend every last day at camp, or if it could jump-start things to get the club into the conditions they will be playing in sooner rather than later. Basically, what I’m asking is if the Cubs have ever considered playing some of their Spring Training games in a gigantic meat locker.
– Craig A., Chicago

Okay, I’m not entirely sure why Carrie picked this question, but maybe she has a good answer.

CARRIE: You’d have a tough time convincing teams to leave the warm sunshine of Arizona for the cold of Chicago in March. Especially since you’re an idiot.

ZING! I love the Muskbox!