The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #59: “Cryin’” Ryan Klesko
I’m going to be honest here. Ryan Klesko didn’t particularly kill the Cubs any more than he did any other team. He didn’t rise to the occasion against Cub pitching. He didn’t perform well in Wrigley Field. In fact, Klesko was actually worse against the Cubs than his career averages suggest he should have been. In fact, Klesko helped the Cubs quite a bit, as he performed well against many of the Cubs’ NL Central opponents. But in the world of irrational hatred, none of that matters. For not only did Ryan Klesko have one outstandingly Cub-killing moment in his career, but I also just flat-out fucking hate him. For that reason, his whiny bitch-ass checks in as #59 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.
Ryan Klesko was born on June 12, 1971 in Westminster, California to an alcoholic father and a dirty whore of a mother. Probably. When he was delivered, all of the nurses in the Westminster hospital declared him the dumbest-looking baby in the whole of California- nay, the world.
Klesko spent much of his youth catching starving, stray dogs, cutting their tails off, and trying to feed them back to themselves. When he wasn’t busy with that hobby, he was making fun of special needs children and having sex with your mother. When he grew bored of all that, he spent his time growing out the stupidest mutton chops in the whole of humankind. He also practiced throwing small bunnies in the air and hitting them with a broom handle.
That last hobby led to him getting drafted by the Atlanta Braves in the fifth round of the 1989 draft. He made his Major League debut with the Braves on September 12, 1992, in a 9-3 win over the Houston Astros. He celebrated that victory, the first of many he would experience as a Brave, by gluing quarters to the sidewalk outside of a local homeless shelter near the Astrodome.
Klesko’s debut against the Cubs didn’t come until 1994. The Braves were in Wrigley Field in a pitching matchup for the ages, with Tom Glavine taking on Anthony Young. Klesko was hitting third for the Braves and playing left field. He went 3-3 with 3 walks, 4 runs scored, 3 RBIs, a double, and a 2-run home run. Klesko’s stellar day helped power a 24-hit, 19-run attack by the Braves, who humiliated the Cubs 19-5.
As impressive as that performance was, you know what’s really great about Klesko? Throughout the course of his career, he never took a called third strike. Not once. Oh, sure, some umpires along the way might disagree, but in Klesko’s opinion, those assholes don’t know what they’re talking about, and are just trying to screw him.
You see, Ryan Klesko is that guy playing darts at a bar that won’t give you credit for a winning bullseye because “the dart didn’t fucking STICK, bro!” He’s the guy who separated the shoulder of your 48-year-old uncle last Easter while playing a “friendly” game of “touch” football. He’s the guy playing co-rec slow-pitch softball with batting gloves and metal cleats. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a premature ejaculator. Oh, and he hits batting practice directly at fans. FANS!
Worst of all, he is the 59th Top Cub Killer of My Time.
Why You Should Hate Him: August 2, 2001. It’s been a long time since I originally made this list, but I’m pretty sure this game is the only reason Klesko made the T79. That, and my hatred for him. The Cubs were in San Diego for the rubber match of a three-game set. The Cubs were still in first place, though both the Cardinals and the Astros were charging up behind them. At the start of the day, the Cubs held a 4.5-game lead over the Astros.
Not at the end of the day.
Jason Bere pitched absolutely brilliantly for seven innings, giving up 0 runs on 3 hits and 2 walks while whiffing 12 Padres. Then, Jeff Fassero happened. The man who had bailed out the team with his shocking consistency at closer in the early part of the season came in to the 8th inning with the Cubs leading 3-0.
He gave up a hit to D’Angelo Jimenez. He gave up a hit to Alex Arias. He whiffed the 63-year-old Rickey Henderson. He walked Mark Kotsay to load the bases. And then he threw Ryan Klesko a 1-2 pitch that Klesko hit to Hawaii. 4-3 Padres. The Cubs went meekly against Trevor Hoffman in a 9th inning which ended, fittingly, with a Todd Hundley strikeout.
I attribute that game to the Cubs’ late slide at the end of the 2001 season. They went 26-29 for the last two months while watching both the Cardinals (39-17 in that time frame) and the Astros (34-20) pass them in the standings.
Thanks, Klesko.
Did You Know? Klesko is a big hunter. A MILF hunter. Ha ha ha! Seriously, though, he should definitely be on that site. Apparently, Klesko was hunting in Colorado with Barry Bonds when Barry found out that he was being indicted. And he used to have a show on the Outdoor Channel called Ryan Klesko’s Adventures, in which he did all sorts of stupid and illegal things.
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
That was a reoccurring theme that season.
I still can’t believe we ended up rolling him into the Cardinals bullpen like a grenade with its pin already pulled.
Sorry, but here’s another reason Ryan Klesko sucks:
http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/ATL/ATL199809300.shtml
@T.J. Brown – Eh. So they would have lost 3-1 instead of 7-1.
Cooperstown called, and it wants this paragraph immediately.
So he’s Weebs?
@morpheus – Or TDubbs.
He was also one of the whiny little pussy Padre hitters bitching about the dimensions at PetCo park when it first opened up. Do some HGH and shut the fuck up all ready, Ryan.
Kerm,
You need to eventually add another player to this list. Cub killer in the making- Joey Fucking Votto on the reds
@theHawk – Klesko was the NL version of Paul O’Neill. They should compete in a bitch-off.
Sadly, this is one of those “Cub moments” where you know for the rest of your life exactly where you were when disaster struck. I had broken my collar bone a week earlier, was still in a ton of pain, and was going to an Italian restaurant with the wifey.
@Forklift – Paul O’Neill? Wasn’t he the motorcycle dude in the Village People?
Why is it that most men have always hated/hate Ryan Klesko? Hmmmmm. Ryan Klesko had a good career, not a super tremendous career, but a good career nonetheless. The stats kinda do speak for themselves afterall. Plus he’s such a bad ass, his intensity was one of his best traits. Yet, Men don’t seem to ever want to give Ryan Klesko the credit he’s due. And most men hate him. Men say Ryan whines. Any man who is well, a real man, knows damn well that if they were at the plate and felt the pitch was not a strike, they would be bitching at the umpire too. Of course the men who hate Ryan Klesko are typically not MLB ball players, thus Ryan Klesko obviously had something these hating men do not – he was a PRO ball player. Ryan was a good ball player and a player that only played for 3 teams in his entire career (with all but one season with two teams) which implies he was pretty tolerable in the clubhouse… So, the only logical conclusion for this hatred that men have for Ryan Klesko is fairly simple: Jealousy. Yes. Simple Jealousy.
I love it. The more you trash talk Klesko, the more threatened by him you appear to be. It’s okay to hate him for hitting a home run and ruining your team’s chances, but you still give credit where it is due. He hit a home run due to the pitcher’s mistake. Good pitching will always trump good hitting and any seasoned baseball fan knows this even if they don’t care to admit it.
Not only is It juvenile, but the jealousy is plain obvious when someone calls his mother a whore, and describes his hobby as cutting stray dogs’ tails off. What are you? 12 years old?
If you want to put him on this list, put him on it for hitting two grand slams during crucial times in your team’s season. However, given his stats against the cubs… why is he on this list again? Because you hate him? Really? Why do you hate him again?
Every man that i have come across that hates Ryan Klesko, and I have come across many in the past 16 years, don’t personally know him and never gives a reason for truly hating him. I love it. Do you hate him because he bitches at the umpires? And this is coming from a fan of the team that has Lou Pinella as their manager?
This post is the best thing I’ve read all week. Thanks for the laugh.
I personally know Klesko and he is one of the only standup guys I ever met..He is sown to earth and cares about people..being a pro atherlete NEVER pretenious..loves kids and kicked ass on the field…get a life…what do you do for a living wwrite a sorry column….come on buddie read a book and learn and dont waste anybody else time/energy on your jealous BS!!!!!!!!!!
The article is out of humor, though it rips him,it also gives credit to Ryno. The comments about his mother and father were not appropriate ( not to mention, not true ) even if it was an attempt of humor. All that aside, I have to agree with Kyle Douglass. The guy is flat out a solid dude. Worked hard to get where he got, dedicated himself to his craft, and developed his God given talents. He is also by the way, one of the most down to earth people I have ever known. And for being as successful as he has been, that is quite a compliment. I respect him, and know for a fact that he is a good human being.
@Rich A ( WHS Lions ) – You should start a blog about how great Ryan Klesko is, and then I’ll come to your blog, read one thing, and act like I know what the hell is going on. WON’T THAT BE FUN?
Why so sensitive Kermit? Jessica went on for a day and a half about how Ryan may as well be a Saint, and Kyle Douglass personally attacked you. My summary speaks for itself. Humorous, gives Ryno his due credit, but borderline slander, and possible attention of Ryan’s attorney.
@Rich A – I couldn’t even understand your first sentence, so maybe that was part of the problem. In print it’s libel, by the way. But I wouldn’t know anything about that.
I have an idea! Why don’t I write an article about how great of a blogger you are, except in it, I talk about what a whore your mother is, your father is a child molester, and you jerked off so much as a child, that you grew up with no friends. Do you understand that? And it is slander. Moron. Talk to an attorney, that is if you have ever had enough money to need one for anything positive.
@Rich A – I am an attorney. Look up the definition of “slander” versus “libel.” I can’t wait to read your article!