How long has the Muskbag been back in Muskbox form? A couple of months? Why is this still at the top of every single one?

The mailbag is back, but it’s now the Inbox…

Are there people out there so hopelessly confused that they can’t find this column?

Some Dipshit’s Thoughts:

I think I’ll head to my favorite site, Cubs.com, to see if Carrie Muskat answered my question, ‘Do you think the Cubs will ever give Zambrano a chance to start in center field?’ I see here that Opening Day is only thirteen days away. That’s interesting. This article here says, ‘Cubs Inbox,’ but I’m looking for the ‘Cubs Mailbag,’ so that can’t be it. What’s an MLBlog? That looks like no word I’ve ever seen. Oh, dear! Why is there a video playing?! I didn’t click on anything!

Anyhow, this week’s Muskbox caters to just that dipshit. Enjoy.

The Cubs traded Mark DeRosa, Michael Wuertz, Ronny Cedeno, Rich Hill, Felix Pie and Jason Marquis this winter. Who among the players the Cubs received is making an impact this spring?
– Johnny G., Pleasanton, Calif.

When you take DeRosa out of the equation, if the guys the Cubs received actually manage to find their way to Spring Training, then the Cubs have come out ahead. I hope the rest of those guys all have major impacts, too. Specifically, meteors impacting with their houses.

Incidentally, when I’m “blogging,” as the kids call it, I will often go back through the article and add “tags” to each “post.” Generally, I just put in the names of the guys or the teams mentioned in the post. Each and every time I type in “Rich Hill,” “Felix Pie,” or “Ronny Cedeno,” I think to myself, “Fare thee well, [WHICHEVER JACKASS I JUST ENTERED]. This will most likely be the last time I ever have to enter your name as a tag on HJE. Yet every. Fucking. Week. I have to tag at least one of those names thanks to this godforsaken Muskbox.

CARRIE: You forgot the Jose Ceda-for-Kevin Gregg deal in November…

Yeah, that’s because we all made fun of that deal since Gregg looks like he eats his own boogers.

CARRIE:…and I’d have to pick Gregg.

Of course you would.

CARRIE: He could get the closer’s job over Carlos Marmol.

He certainly could, but not because he’s more talented than Marmol. Because Marmol is a very valuable guy to have in the bullpen to get the 3-4-5 hitters in any lineup. If they come up in the 8th inning, so be it.

CARRIE: Those two need to pitch in back-to-back games before Lou Piniella decides his closer. After that, it’s Aaron Heilman (from Seattle for Cedeno). He was a candidate for the rotation but now will be slotted into the bullpen along with Luis Vizcaino (Marquis deal). The three Minor League pitchers acquired for DeRosa are in the Minor League camp as is Richie Robnett (Wuertz deal) and pitcher Henry Williamson (Pie). The Cubs have yet to receive a player for Hill.

The NSBB guys are still holding out hope that the PTBNL in the Hill deal is Adam Dunn.

If Mike Fontenot gets the nod at second base as a starter, would Piniella insert him into the No. 2 spot in the lineup? Fontenot is a good contact hitter with some power and speed on the bases, which is necessary at the top of the lineup. Also, it would fit the right-left-right combo like Lou wants.
– Tony P., Chalmette, La.

That would make sense. Which is probably why Carlos Zambrano is going to be hitting second. I’m stunned you didn’t ask that question for the thousandth time in Muskbox/bag history.

CARRIE: Piniella is leaning more toward putting Kosuke Fukudome in the No. 2 spot for all the reasons you stated plus he can bunt and help move runners over.

Plus, he started at right field on the BEST BASEBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD. If that doesn’t mean he’s the best right fielder in the world, I don’t know what does.

CARRIE: If the lineup comes together the way Piniella wants, there will be a left-handed bat in the second, fourth and sixth spots. Milton Bradley, a switch-hitter, would bat fourth and Fontenot sixth.

And they will have ghost batters in the first, third, fifth, seventh, eighth, and ninth spots. They’ve already inquired about Bobby Sturgeon’s availability.

With the news of No. 31 being retired in honor of Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux, what do you think the chances are that Maddux goes into the Hall of Fame as a Cub? I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up with the Atlanta “A” on his cap and plaque, but it would be a shame not to see a “C.”
– Chad W., Brownsburg, Ind.

Zero percent, and I’ll take the under.

CARRIE: The Hall of Fame determines what the players wear on their Cooperstown plaques. Since Maddux won three of his four Cy Young Awards with the Braves and spent 11 seasons with Atlanta, I’d guess he’ll wear an “A” cap.

But you can always pretend the “A” stands for “Awesome.”

Bob Brenly and Len Kasper had a discussion recently about pitchers hitting in the middle of the lineup. Has Lou ever considered moving Carlos Zambrano to the middle of the order on the days he’s pitching? Although some of the concern was mitigated by offseason acquisitions, a reliable switch-hitter among your right-handed power bats is never a bad thing.
– Eric D., Richfield, Minn.

I swear to God, I wrote the Zambrano batting second before I even made it to this question. These are your fellow fans. Embrace them until they stop breathing.

CARRIE: Piniella has been asked, and says he won’t do it because he feels it’s an insult to the other hitters. Zambrano certainly wouldn’t oppose it. On days he’s not pitching, Big Z usually is first with a bat in his hands just in case Piniella wants a switch-hitting pinch-hitter.

Hey, other hitters? If you’re not as good at hitting as Carlos Zambrano, you SHOULD be fucking insulted!

You listed Chad Gaudin as one of the relievers expected to make the roster. Don’t you think he’s pitched himself right out of the mix? I’m thinking David Patton, Jason Waddell and either Randy Wells or Esmailin Caridad perhaps for the spots you identified as “Gaudin and two to be determined.”
– Steve M., Albuquerque, N.M.

I also think Phillip Johannes, Carlton Weimer, Mathis Workman, and Billy Farson should get some consideration. See? I can make up a bunch of names and pretend they’re Cubs prospects, too!

CARRIE: That’s why I don’t like picking a final roster on March 16. Since you wrote, Caridad was sent down to the Minor League camp, so you can delete him from your list. Wells has options left and would have to really dominate to make it. Waddell does not have options left and would give the Cubs another lefty. See the next item.

Do I have to?

Do you think David “Rule 5″ Patton has a shot at one of the two spots left in the bullpen, or will he be returned?
– Perrie C., Ft. Myers, Fla.

Is he trying to give him the nickname “Rule 5,” or is that already his nickname? If it’s the latter, that fucking sucks for Old Rule Five.

CARRIE: Patton definitely has a shot. He’s thrown strikes, and, what’s impressed Piniella, showed no fear. You have to wonder why he never moved up higher than “A” ball in the Rockies system. The relievers who are set include Gregg, Marmol, Neal Cotts, Heilman, Vizcaino and most likely Gaudin. I’m guessing Patton and Jeff Samardzija are competing for that final spot.

Wait, Vizcaino is seriously going to make the team? And Cotts? And Gaudin? This bullpen is trash. Is Chad Fox still in camp? Maybe they can coax Joe Borowski out of retirement.

I recently read a report on ESPN that the Cubs are still interested in acquiring Jake Peavy because they are concerned with the health history of Rich Harden. Is there any validity in this?
– Tyler H., Wilmington, N.C.

I wonder if he read that right after ESPN reported the Cubs had acquired Ivan Rodriguez. Or that Peter Gammons had, in fact, died in 1986.

CARRIE: If that report was prompted by Harden being scratched from his start, then no. Harden missed a start because of some bad chicken salad, not because of his arm.

Oh, thank God there’s nothing wrong with Harden’s- Wait, what? Bad chicken salad? Seriously? Well, shit. Now, I’m forced to assume one of the following: (1) Harden is too cheap to purchase high-quality chicken, (2) Harden is too stupid to realize that chicken salad shouldn’t foam, or (3) someone (possibly Tony LaRussa) is trying to POISON RICH HARDEN.

CARRIE: You’ll probably read Peavy rumors until the Cubs’ sale is completed, and after that, there could be daily news updates. The Cubs and Padres have not talked since the Winter Meetings, and I don’t see Tom Ricketts being introduced as the new owner in May with Peavy at his side.

Mostly because that would be weird. Tom would be standing up there saying, “I’m excited and proud to take ownership of one of the most historic franchises in the history of- Jake, please stop pulling on my sleeve. In the history of Major League- Please stop. Major League Baseball. In the coming years, I plan to- What?! What is it, Jake? No, you can’t have a King Cone. No- No, you’re going to have to wait until- I’m trying to give a speech, Jake. I’m. Trying. To. Give. A. Speech. Go ask the coach. Yes, if Coach Lou says it’s okay, then you can have HALF of a King Cone. Okay. Have fun. AND DON’T FORGET TO WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE YOU COME BACK IN!”

I think it’s awesome that No. 31 will be retired to honor both great Cubs pitchers who wore it. I hadn’t realized how few years were between the end of Jenkins’ Cubs career and the beginning of Maddux’s. I think this is fantastic.
– David C., Duluth, Ga.

Good question, David. You’re the smartest person to come out of Duluth since Michael Vick and Lil’ Bow Wow.

CARRIE: I agree.

TRANSLATION: “Call me, Greg! Or Fergie! I’m not picky, and I’m very lonely.”