For some reason, the Muskbox is mercifully short this week. Maybe Care Bear had something better to do. Like train her flying monkeys to attack that bitch from Kansas. Away we go.

I haven’t been able to follow the Cubs’ spring as much as I’d like to, being on the East Coast, but what are Koyie Hill’s chances of making the team? I know they have Paul Bako and I know how well he handles a staff, but Hill’s tearing it up. Can he handle the staff well enough to make the team?
– Mike J., Northbrook, Ill.

I get it. “HANDle the staff”! Ha ha ha! Because Hill cut off all his fingers with a table saw! Awesome! And then he made that deal with the Robot Devil for new hands, and started hitting everything the PCL! But those hands came at a terrible, terrible price, because the Robot Devil indirectly caused the love of Koyie’s life to go blind, so she couldn’t see his spectacular hitting. And then, the Robot Devil took his hands back. Or maybe that was an episode of Futurama.

CARRIE: Yes, Hill can handle the staff, and the pitchers like him. The pitchers also like Bako. Hill was batting .333 this spring, Bako .167 and Mark Johnson .091. That could be the deciding factor. And, I’m not a geography major, but Northbrook isn’t on the East Coast.

Me-YOW!

As of this point, what do you think the Cubs’ roster/depth chart will look like on Opening Day?
– Noah R., Glendale Heights, Ill.

It’ll probably be a list of twenty-five names with letters next to them symbolizing the positions they play. Sometimes, they will have the numbers of the jerseys of each player on it in a separate column. Perhaps they will even indicate whether the player bats or throws right- or left-handed. Maybe eleven or twelve of the players will be pitchers, and the rest will be position players.

CARRIE: Lou Piniella says he’ll make some final decisions by Thursday or Friday this week. But here’s a possible roster: Outfielders Alfonso Soriano, Reed Johnson, Kosuke Fukudome, Milton Bradley and Joey Gathright; infielders Aramis Ramirez, Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, Derrek Lee, Micah Hoffpauir and Aaron Miles; catchers Geovany Soto and either Hill or Bako.

As for the pitchers, there are starters Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Ted Lilly, Rich Harden and most likely Sean Marshall. As for the relievers, you’ve got Kevin Gregg, Carlos Marmol, Neal Cotts, Aaron Heilman, Chad Gaudin and two to be determined.

Carrie goes WAY out on a limb with the inclusion Joey Gathright. Bold. I’m still not convinced that Aramis is going to go north with the team. With Fontenot getting some reps in at third, and with the team wanting to get more left-handed, look for little Mike to beat out Aramis as the Opening Day third baseman. Also, how DARE she not mention Luis Viscaino as a lock for the Opening Day roster?

There’s a lot of rumbling about who will back up Ramirez at third. Is Bobby Scales getting much of a look? He raked at Iowa last year, and it seems he’s paid his dues. Oh, and the price is right.
– Chris S., Lincoln, Neb.

Okay, which one of you guys wrote this question? What “dues” has Bobby Scales paid? Enduring the awful torment of the guys on the bus to and from Iowa laughing at him and calling him “The Scales of Justice”? Because that’s just mean. Or maybe they called him “Grandpa,” since he’s going to be 31 years old this season.

CARRIE: Scales is one of many extra infielders in camp who are being looked at but hasn’t done enough, or else the team would not have added Esteban German and Corey Koskie. The Cubs also have Luis Rivas and Andres Blanco to consider.

Little does Carrie know that every single one of the guys she just mentioned is going to San Diego in the Peavy Trade^TM.

CARRIE: When you look at the options, Hoffpauir is more likely to be the Cubs’ 25th man. The left-handed-hitting Hoffpauir can play first and the corner outfield spots, and they can use Aaron Miles as backup at third if needed. If Ramirez is sidelined for an extended period, Scales could get a call up. That’s why it’s so important for these guys to make a good impression this spring.

I was not aware that baseball players–nay, all professional people–are expected to perform well in order to get promoted to higher levels of professionalism. Thank God for you, Carrie. Thank God.

How does the unexpected early return of Marmol from the World Baseball Classic affect the closer competition in Spring Training? Will his performance against The Netherlands affect his chances at all?
– Keith B., Alburgh, Vt.

No.

CARRIE: That outing was a great test and something that can’t be simulated in Cactus League games. How Marmol bounces back will help determine whether he’s ready for the job. A closer has to have a short-term memory.

Carrie would make a great closer, then. She only wrote about the closer competition about a month ago, a couple weeks ago, and then again a couple days ago.

Carrie for closer!

With the fifth starting position still open, I was wondering what are the chances the Cubs would go after Pedro Martinez? He looked good in his outing in the World Baseball Classic, and I think he’s looking to join a contending team.
– Johnny P., Chicago

Even though it looks like Pedro is pretty well cooked, and even though I really want Marshall to finally get his shot, this question actually isn’t that stupid. They took a flyer on Ryan Dempster, a guy with a shitty track record, and that worked out well for them. It wouldn’t be THAT ridiculous to gamble that Pedro had a productive year left.

CARRIE: I’m sure he would, but I don’t see it. He’s 38, has had some health issues and the Cubs currently have better options in camp.

Like the NEXT Pedro Martinez, Angel Guzman! I’m glad Angel isn’t pulling his annual “Is this finally his year?” dicktease, as he’s racked up a 14.40 ERA in his 5 innings pitched this spring.